Owning your own birthday.

[Bargebill19]

Ok. Historically my birthdays have been forgotten or last minute remembered by friends and family. My own parents argued that my 21st wasn’t my 21st and that I was actually celebrating 8 months early. I had to get my birth certificate out to prove it was in fact my 21st birthday that day. So the bar for a good birthday is fairly low!
That’s fine. I have got used to it. I do always get others nice gifts - something to do with their hobbies or something they’ve asked for.

Today is no different, it’s my 50th. I have received out of date cake and biscuits from my best friend and a couple of generic cards. Dh texted at 2am. His birthday card was left jammed in our door when I arrived home - I guess he forgot until the last minute. (We are both on night shift ).

I want to own my birthday from here on. So I’m going out next week for a nice lunch and to treat myself to a really nice everyday watch. It’ll be something I’ll be doing every year from now on.
What have you done to turn any crap birthday into a decent one?

Happy birthday! My DS is 21 today and I've been stressing about how to make it special (we are both at work today, his dad died when he was 18 and his friends are all skint and living away from where we are), I remember my own 21st was rubbish because I was heavily pregnant and in hospital with oligohydramnios, so wanted him to have one to remember. He probably won't though. Your family sound a bit crap

I also come from a family crap at birthdays. Often forgotten, but one remarkable one was aged 9 years; random supermarket stuffed animal and story book, which I "unwrapped" by unloading the shopping.

As an adult I tried hard to have birthday parties. Friends were willing to join in but i moved around a lot and so had to organise it myself, and the history of my birthdays meant I was always cringing or trying too hard to enjoy it. Pics of those events drove it home. I had to do something different and stop trying to make it what it wasn't. So, for most of a decade now I've had a good think and design it based on what is in my control. I take the day off work, two of I can, I usually ask my partner to take the day off to be with me, but not always. I sometimes order a cake, we go for a meal or get a takeaway or go somewhere, I ask for specific presents (we have a set financial limit) so that I'm not disappointed by things I bin or take to a charity immediately and end up feeling let down. I also buy myself special things.

My OH comes from a reasonably happy family and very stable background. He gets loads of cards, presents and invites to celebrate from friends and family. I am envious, of course I wish I had that, but I can whole heartedly celebrate the wonderfulness of that with him knowing I'm no longer pretending I'm the same, and the shame that brings. I know he's sad on my birthday, angry that my family continue to forget, but he keeps it to himself and tries to make my day nice so I just take this as love, rather than a reminder that the sadness and anger are just, I'm thankful for what I've made for myself.

I'm sorry your OH hadn't stepped up. Is he good for you? I don't think we should be with people who don't want to mark the occasion of our birth. Taking yourself for a meal and buying a watch sounds perfect.

My birthday tomorrow. All 3 kids in isolation (old enough to look after themselves) so I suggested me and DH go to the cinema. No he didn't want to do that. So I also suggested a lovely dog walk and a pint tomorrow and was told only if we go to the X because he won't pay the prices at Y. FFS. I'm done.

For quite a few years I’d book a weekend away for myself near my birthday to explore somewhere new. Just me and a good book. I’d still do the obligatory friends night out or family dinner but I honestly loved my yearly treat to myself. Spent a weekend in London looking at museums and eating street food, 3 nights in Rome, a short break in Dublin… so many amazing trips and honestly it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Even though I’m married I still tend to take myself away for a day or two near my birthday as a little refresh!

Sorry your family have been shit! I like to take myself off. DH always works and I never ever work on my birthday, always take AL. I like to go to an arboretum or a gallery or something I can just enjoy by myself. Get a hot chocolate (winter birthday) and a cake/sandwich and just enjoy the peace and quiet and my own company

Celebrating yourself is definitely the way to go. I now buy myself Christmas and bday presents. I have no partner...my brother always forget these days. My parents are getting on and mum does her best but I only really get anything from them.

I felt a whole lot better since I started getting myself treats I like ☺️

Happy Birthday, @Bargebill19 🎉🎉

This is an inspiring thread. I’ve had some shit birthdays and this years is set to be worse as I’ve lost friends since covid. I’ll follow your example.

There’s a prevailing narrative across online and traditional media that ‘celebration’ is, and can only ever be, a group activity; the young mother blowing out her candles in the midst of her nuclear family - handsome husband bearing a breakfast tray,tiny angelic children carrying home made bouquets; or the gang of bikini-d women racing towards the beach; or the enormous, effortlessly thrown together barbecue that the whole village attends. It can take a few years, if that’s never you, to carve out a truer and more satisfactory model of what celebration can mean.

Sorry, rambling ... Why? Lots of online John Lewis browsing for the university-bound teen - I keep stumbling upon vast canteens of cutlery and realising I’ve never owned anything like that because I’ve never provided people with the correct reason to give me such a thing. I could live and die without ever owning a completely ordinary consumer item - or I could buy one for myself.

My own view is there is so much crap in the world that we should take every opportunity to celebrate the good stuff. A birthday is a great opportunity to visit a posh restaurant or buy a special item that you wouldn’t normally spring for… I don’t mean diamonds but maybe the artisan bread or extra special pastry or perfume or whatever does it for you. I also don’t have a huge group of friends that are going to spring a party on me but my DH and I always take the day off and do something. Even as a single woman I would take the day off and go to an art gallery or get my hair done. The thought that someone’s life partner wouldn’t take a day off or quibbles about the price of drinks in a pub or won’t go to see a comedian makes me sad. I like the idea of a weekend away on my own… now I have a family I can really see the appeal in that.

Happy birthday! I totally get it. I am not materialistic at all and don’t enjoy being the centre of attention, but feel I always make such an effort to make friends and family feel really special on their birthday that it really hurts for it not to be reciprocated.

I now am very clear with DH - I want a cake like this, I want you to buy me this and I want this for dinner.

I always treat myself to a really lovely gift, usually a piece of jewelry .

With my bday being 28 Dec there has for my entire life been year upon year of celebrating my bday on my own. Everyone is too busy around xmas and with family to want to meet up and just expect me to move it because it shouldn't matter right, whilst they get to celebrate their bdays on their actual day.

Stuff that!

I've always done my own celebrations usually a trip to cinema and nice lunch. For milestone ones I've promised myself to go do those big holiday trips I want to do (might not be on my bday but present to myself) such as road trip to visit the canyons in Utah or go to the Cook Islands.

I also buy my own xmas presents just don't bother wrapping them up haha

Life is so much happier this way, never let down or feel disappointed. Best of all since my friends don't bother getting me a present because rthey forget, I don't bother getting them any either, leaving me with more money to spend on myself.

Happy birthday OP - its mine today too. DH is working away so have been on my own all day. I went for a nice breakfast this morning, had a look round the shops, bought myself a new blouse and a Colin cake jar from m&s plus a bottle of exoensive wine I liked the look of. Now watching a film with my cake and wine.

Betsythecheshirecat

I have a friend who goes all out for her birthday. She's single and says that she has no partner to soil her so she does it herself. At first I was a bitbut actually aside from her being ott about doing stuff it makes sense

Your friend knows how to have fun 😆

Happy birthday OP and everyone else who's celebrating today.

Happy birthday everyone!🎂🎂

Well, it will be a memorable one for me. Apparently we are no longer essentially a couple after 30+ years. More just housemates. If I wanted something I should just get it myself or do it by myself. I confess things have been rocky and lacklustre for a year or so.
So that’s me put in my place.

Off to work, and a lot of thinking about how to move forward and place me first. (I’ve had a stonking good cry and pulled up my big girl pants).

Happy Birthday x

That’s a harsh realisation to come to, especially on your birthday, OP. I’m sorry . He did sound spectacularly uncaring and dickish from your earlier posts. Sounds like you could be a lot happier without this unappreciative fun sponge. Start of a new life?

@SparklingLime
Yep. I think a ‘new life’ order will have to be placed with the universe.
No more birthdays, instead freedom to be me day.

Bargebill19
Sorry that this happened.
My ds and dm are good to celebrate my birthday but dh is hopeless.

When people don't put thought into my birthday, I pull back from going 'all out' for their birthday.

I always try and book a day off work, sometimes 2. I have a cake with dh and dcs, some nice wine that I have bought and chosen myself.

I try and go away shopping for a half day, eat a nice lunch either alone or with dm, ds or a friend.

You have to own your birthday, pull back from friends and dh who don't reciprocate. Don't be afraid to tell them the reason if they comment that you are putting less effort into their birthday.

[quote Bargebill19]@SparklingLime
Yep. I think a ‘new life’ order will have to be placed with the universe.
No more birthdays, instead freedom to be me day.[/quote]
Go for it. I’m sure getting there will be difficult at times, but it sounds like you have so much to gain, @Bargebill19. Next year could be a double celebration.

How are you doing, @Bargebill19?

Happy birthdays!

My birthday was on a Saturday a couple of years ago and I was excited to do something nice but DH had something on that he wasn't prepared to forego. Git. So I took myself off for a tour of Buckingham Palace by myself which was lovely (and if I'd known there was a load of cash in the card DH had given me but hadn't opened yet, I'd have bought that tiara from the gift shop ).

Sorry to hear that OP, it does sound like it might be time to make some big life changes, not just your birthday.

@SparklingLime

Doing overtime at work and avoiding dh. Perhaps not the best way of tackling things, but at least a) money in my bank and b) headspace to think of a plan.

Sounds a good interim plan, @Bargebill19.