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Original poster

Has social media made us worse friends?

15 replies

Iom92 · 20/08/2021 09:17

I’ve been musing over this for some time now. I rarely use social media (never upload photos/statuses anymore, only occasionally share fundraising or local ‘news’ stuff, I do ‘like’ friends’ posts and wish people happy birthday/anniversary if I’m online and it pops up in notifications). Because my profile is set to max privacy, I don’t have my dob or anything on there. This is my deliberate choice and I acknowledge that in the busyness of life people will forget my important dates as a result (eg friends post a status and wedding photo on their anniversary and get lots of ‘happy anniversary’ messages. I don’t, so I don’t. That’s fine, and par for the course).

However, i have a close/best friend who lives her entire life through social media. Everything she does is recorded on there for people to know about and you know what she’s doing every minute of her day. Again, fine, if that’s what makes her happy! We’re all different. Arguably, she’s using it for what it was designed for! But here comes my but…she never contacts me anymore. If we meet up, it is always instigated and arranged by me. If I don’t instigate, it doesn’t happen, end of. If I text her, asking how she is, I’ll get a perfectly fine reply but she never, ever texts me. Yet is on social media morning, noon and night, ‘chatting’ to all and sundry.

I’m sure if I was active on social media, there wouldn’t be a problem! But I’m not. I’m not sure whether this is a friend problem or a social media problem now I’ve typed it all out! I guess my bugbear is how hard is it to connect with a friend by dropping them a text when you’re online all day anyway?!

OP posts:
AbiJo · 20/08/2021 09:21

I've got friends like this too and it makes me feel sad. There are friends who never text anymore, and likewise, I have to initiate all the contact. Yet, they seem to be on social media constantly. I don't know what the answer is. It's a shame though, as 10 or so years ago we'd have been chatting on text and much more in each other's lives.

FreezerBird · 20/08/2021 09:25

I've been musing similar things recently. I've been feeling very isolated since Covid (shielding combined with living a long way from where most of my friends live these days) and I don't think social media helps in a way.

One friend in particular, as you say - I know all the ins and outs of her life but haven't actually spoken to her for months and months. Strangely although we get on very well in person (have been friends for nearly 30 years) the way she presents on social media drives me up the wall and I've muted her for a month at the moment. Because we haven't spoken or met in person I can feel the friendship fading.

Of course it works both ways but as you say if it's only ever coming from one side you do get to a point of giving up.

And from what you say I'm more active on social media than you are!

Itstheprinciple · 20/08/2021 09:31

I agree with you. I think because people see what is going on all the time on SM, they think they are 'in touch' with people but actually it's very superficial and they don't bother to get in touch with people individually. And I you're not on there, it's a case of out of sight, out of mind.

I do use SM and I post quite a lot BUT I carefully decide what I post and there are huge areas of my life that I never post about. I think 'friends' probably think they know what is going on in my life so don't get in touch much.

millievanille · 20/08/2021 10:32

I think about things like this quite a lot too because I find it interesting. I think some people become addicted to harvesting as many 'likes' as they can, so talking to one person doesn't give them the attention and gratification they enjoy. The result is they can neglect private friendships in favour of social media.

HarrisMcCoo · 20/08/2021 10:43

I think it's the way of the world (as I type on MN😂). People too busy with their lives. More convenient to chat on SM.

FreezerBird · 20/08/2021 11:32

@HarrisMcCoo

I think it's the way of the world (as I type on MN😂). People too busy with their lives. More convenient to chat on SM.
But I think the thing is people don't chat. They present their lives so you see it and feel you know what's going on (but you don't really because in a lot of cases what's presented is quite carefully selected), but there's no meaningful conversation happening.
HarrisMcCoo · 20/08/2021 12:05

I take your point, FreezerBird. I use a pseudonym on FB so I don't have friends. I only use it to access a few private groups to do with health/education.

I talk over the phone with family, any acquaintance/friends via WhatsApp.

shumway · 20/08/2021 12:13

My sister used to text me all the time and tell me about her day. Now if I ask what she's been up to she's all check out my insta and it makes me feel like I'm the same as a stranger to her.

Ponkypig282 · 20/08/2021 13:35

Definitely. I dont use social media and I might aswell have dropped off the planet. Friends just don't think to send me their news separately to what's put on FB. My own fault really but I refuse to give in to it. I just try and make more effort with them to compensate.

Original poster
Iom92 · 20/08/2021 16:46

It’s sad isn’t it? I’m not really sure what the solution is, other than engage with people on social media in that way. But I definitely agree with all of your comments. It’s a very superficial way to maintain contact and is really just a show reel rather than meaningful connection. I guess I feel like it’s got to the point where it is all about the likes for her, and quantity of ‘friends’ over meaningful friendships. Which hurts when we’ve been friends for almost 30 years. Maybe I need to move with the times!

OP posts:
minipie · 20/08/2021 16:48

There have always been some people who prefer lots of shallower friendships, social butterflies I guess, and others who prefer fewer deeper ones.

SM has just exacerbated this I think.

Original poster
Iom92 · 20/08/2021 18:04

That’s a really good point, I hadn’t thought of it like that.

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AnaViaSalamanca · 20/08/2021 18:41

Same here @Iom92 it feels as if different levels of closeness and intimacy has now faded away and everyone is one the same least common denominator superficial level of friendship. It’s more about what goes on in a person’s life like where they have been on holiday and what they had for dinner. There is no space for deeper friendships and discussions any more.

sociallydistained · 20/08/2021 18:48

I agree, I came off social media for 8 months I just went back on and I’m sort of hating it (mostly my addiction to it came back instantly!! And I hate that). In those 8 months I chatted to only a few people and I’m someone who looks as if they have loads of friends. Many times I reached out and had to remind people no I didn’t know what’s been going on as people put everything out there and expect that you know.
It’s amazing how when I came back I had so many comments and messages from people on social media but these people had my number and didn’t get in touch for the entire 8 months.

Tbh it was a lot more peaceful and I’m pretty sure that second lockdown with the kids off I got through better because I was off SM! I hate seeing how it affects my mental health. I just feel like a zombie more than anything.

Original poster
Iom92 · 20/08/2021 20:09

Yes, I would love to come off altogether, but I’m on a couple of groups for work that are useful. Sometimes I long for the days pre-mobile phones and social media! Especially for my kids!

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