What to do about name calling!

[boeballs]

Hi
Wise mumsnetters I need help and google is not delivering!
My 7 year old DD has been going to holiday club and the boys there have been calling her a not nice name. They keep persistently doing it. She has told the club staff but it’s not stopped. It’s upsetting her and today she has refused to go to club. This is her regular holiday club and after school club so I am now worried it’s going to seep into regular school!

What do you tell your 7 year old about how to deal with name calling. I have told her to ignore it but it’s obviously hard for anyone to really do that let’s face it. I am so worried to is is going to knock her confidence or cause wider issues. I was bullied (when I was older than this) but I don’t want my experience to cloud my judgment of how to deal with this.

I want to help her cope with these things and not have the answer that she can not go to club, which today I have allowed her to stay home.

I need some wise words please help. What can I say to my 7year old about how to deal with this. It is such a funny age for kids.

I can't believe the play leaders aren't doing anything about it. This is bullying, pure and simple and they have a duty of care to tackle it. Your poor DD!

Tell the club staff yourself? The fact she doesn't want to go suggests she either hasn't told them or she hasn't been believed.

Hi I am looking more for what I tell my child about how to handle it. I already spoke to the staff but thank you.

Kids who bully are often very insecure and/or jealous of the child they pick on. Make sure your daughter knows that she isn't whatever it is they are saying about her. Encourage her to tell them that what they are saying isn't nice and she doesn't want to play them. There will be other children she can play with instead. If they continue when she's away from them she tells them to leave her alone. Better to take the higher moral ground than try to get back at them although it can be really hard to that especially if she's feeling upset.

The club staff should be making sure she isn't put in the same group as these children and/or splitting them up if they're a bad influence on each other.

It's bullying and it's not up to your daughter to learn how 'to handle it'.

Tell the club to sort it out now otherwise you're going to Ofsted. The parents of the kids involved need to be told and it's their responsibility to deal with it.

We had similar at holiday club, even though the play workers tried to deal with it the kids didn’t give a shit because there isn’t the same framework for being accountable for behaviour eg traffic light system etc. In our case DS managed to put a stop to it by not reacting, rolling his eyes at them etc. I think often they want a reaction to feel powerful and if they don’t get it they stop. Obviously it needs to be escalated further though if it continues.

Primarily, I agree with those saying it really isn't up to your DD to "handle" it. Bullying needs intervention from adults. But I understand you wanting to be abel to provide your DD with some advice while you're pursuing that.

Teachers and adults dealing with groups of kids seem to like the "ignore", "say 'stop' in a calm way", "walk away", "tell an adult" advice because it means situations don't escalate, which would be a bigger problem for them in a classroom/group environment. If there is adequate adult intervention that prevents the bullying, it can work well, but often it can be a terrible strategy if the adults aren't able or willing to step up and put a stop to the bad behaviour.

So the advice to ignore isn't necessarily good, though showing upset or anger is probably one of the worst responses. Bullies aren't necessarily just looking for a reaction, they can also be looking to boost their own sense of power and their social standing and a reaction from the target isn't essential for that. Passive responses can make you more of a target because if you don't respond the bully knows it's pretty safe to focus on you.

What your child needs is more power of her own. If she is quick witted then a cutting response can sometimes work or making it into a broader joke that takes the sting out of it. Another alternative is for her to befriend more people with higher social standing who can 'protect' her (by standing up to the bully for her, for instance, or just because the bully doesn't want to take on that particular social group). There may be other things she could do that would lift hr status within her peer group and make her less of a target. Also, sometimes self-defence lessons can give children confidence that comes through in their day-to-day interactions which might put a bully off.