I have a 14 month old who still sleeps like a newborn.

[Its4am]

NC. Quite a regular poster.

DS wakes up multiple times per night. 3 or 4 times plus is standard, often more. He screams and cries and refuses to re-settle unless I either stand and rock him or breast feed him. This charade can go on for 20 or 30 minutes, to buy us another 2 or 3 hours of sleep, to then repeat. His cot is still in our room, moving him into his nursery increased the wake ups to hourly and I became a complete insomniac.

We’ve slept trained more than once. Both gentle and less gentle ways. Takes ages, sticks for a very short time, before unraveling. He self settles at bedtime no problem. He’s too stubborn for crying based things - he just never stops crying.

Co sleeping doesn’t work as, if he’s next to me, he just wants to be latched all night as I was duped into thinking breastfeeding was the right thing to do. He’d happily suck for 12h straight. Refuses a dummy. If he’s next to me and not sucking he also screams and cries.

I’m so touched out and done tonight I’ve left him to it. I’m sat on the landing typing this at 4am. He’s been howling with my husband for close to an hour and half now.

I often fantasise about being knocked off my bike en route to work so I don’t have to feel like this anymore. I feel physically ill and my mental health is in tatters. It’s destroyed my dreams of having any more children. DH and I haven’t had sex since he was born as we are both just trying to survive.

I’m just so so tired and I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate myself for saying this but I wish we had never had a child.

That sounds so tough and relentless, no wonder you are at breaking point. I've been awake a few hours now because I have a teething 2yo who takes comfort sleeping on me. She's asleep but she's too big/heavy for me to be comfortable under so feel some of your pain.

How is his eating and day time naps? Did he ever suffer reflux?

Is there anyone who could take him for a night to let you sleep a little?

I'm so sorry - you poor thing. You sound exhausted, bless you. Some children really are just nightmare sleepers. I know someone else with a 2 year old who is regularly up all night and wants to be permanently latched.

Does he have any comforter items? I have a 20 month old and from a young age, I've encouraged her to use a dummy and a cuddly toy/comforter so that she can self soothe herself back to sleep when she stirs. She sleeps but she's very clingy and still sleeps in my room. This isn't a problem for me because her dad and I don't live together and I have a king size bed.

Also, do you have white noise apps? Have you tried music? It can be useful to play certain music only at bedtime so that the child begins to associate it with sleep.

You don't have to continue to breastfeed if you don't want to. It does sound like at the moment, breastfeeding is his comforter.

I don't have any advice as my DS is 2 months old and I don't know what's normal for a 14 month old. Is it possible you only feel like this right now because you're tired and hearing the child crying must be unpleasant? I expect you don't regret it all the time?

Has he always been like this or has this started again recently?

Hi! I had one of these. It feels so desperate at the time. Mine turned out not to be neurotypical and has ASD. He also had silent reflux. Has your DS been checked by a paediatrician for it? The wanting to suck constantly can be because it's the only way they keep the acid down. If the acid is coming up then he's in pain and hence why sleep training won't work. I would t bother with the Gp. They just won't care. I'd pay to see a private paediatrician and go from there. If you can absolutely rule out a physical cause like silent reflux then you can treat it as behavioural and go from there. It's not an easy one to unpick but it can be done.

Things to try:

Give him a cuddly every single time you feed to make a comfort association. Rub it on you so it smells of you. When the time comes to stop feeding he will be able to soothe with the cuddly. Choose something robust in the wash!

Raise the head of the cot. If it is reflux this might help a bit. If it's not it certainly won't hurt.

Baby massage

You're not crazy OP. No one would want the situation you're in. It doesn't make you a bad mum. You need some help sorting out what's going on for him. I promise it will get better. 💐

I don't have much advice but couldn't leave without commenting.

My son is 16months and up until 1year I co slept with him basically attached to me all night but waking 2-3times also. I remember that desperate feeling and wondering if I would ever get a solid night again.

I eventually spoke with a sleep consultant and she helped us create a new routine. Now he sleeps in his own cot and usually for 11/12hrs - tonight being an exception when he's decided 4am was a good time to wake up, however these nights are rare so I don't mind.

The new routine also helped my husband and I spend more time together at night which we really needed.

I think it sounds like you could benefit from a chat with your GP, tell him how you are feeling.

I hope things start improving for you.

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This is a useful aid for helping a child (or anyone) go back to sleep.

I had one like this. I feel your pain. I can tell you that he now sleeps 7 until 7. He was about 2 and a half when he started sleeping properly. Have you tried weetabix or something just before bed? Mine sleeps so much better on a full stomach. It's horrific i know, big hugs, you'll get there

Sympathies, having a terrible sleeper is soul destroying. I agree with PPs that it would be a good idea to rule out physical causes. Assuming no silent reflux or similar, I would night wean completely. You can still breastfeed during the day if you want to. And I would probably also move him back into his own room and just decide that that's where he sleeps from now on. It's likely to be short term pain for long term gain. Can DH do a couple of nights completely solo and let you sleep? Just a night or two might get you back on your feet. If there are no physical causes then he sounds like my DS, just extremely attached to you at night and very (!) reluctant to give that up. Night weaning and own room really helped us around that age, although initially it was pretty bad. (Mine was/is as stubborn as yours, and could keep going for hours as well, so I do understand how it feels.)

As the parent of a poor sleeper, I really empathise with how you're feeling (Our son is now four and sleeps much better!)

The first thing I would say is that your child's sleep does actually sound quite normal to me, as in sleeping for 2-3hrs at a time and requiring assistance to go back to sleep at 14 months. It sounds like one or two sleep cycles and then being unable to resettle? I don't think it's stubbornness, some children really do struggle to resettle and need support to do so. I think the idea that ALL children (or even most children) will sleep 7-7 is a total myth, if the majority of children naturally did this then "sleep training" wouldn't even exist as a concept because they'd all just be doing it.

The way a child falls asleep at bedtime has next to nothing to do with whether or not they are able to do the same thing during the night in my experience - ours can be breastfed to sleep and then sleep through so in my opinion the idea that you need to put them to bed in the same way as it'll be overnight (e.g. dark room, no feeds etc.) is a load of rubbish. The flip side of this is that just because they don't need support to go to sleep at bedtime (or even, have had phases of previously sleeping thorough) doesn't actually mean they can do it in the nighttime now. Sleep development isn't linear, as in it can go backwards as well as forwards unfortunately.

There is a sleep screening tool on the Evolutionary Parenting website that is designed to show whether your child's sleep is actually "normal" for their age group or not, and to highlight any potential issues (for example, allergies). I would also recommend the Facebook group The Beyond Sleep Training Project (be aware it's at the gentler end of the spectrum and no one there will recommend sleep training methods, it's about understanding normal infant sleep and finding ways of coping with it).

I coslept with our poor sleeper and my husband got up with him every morning from 5:30am, every day 7/365. That way we both got enough sleep to function. In ye olden days of course there would have been lots more family members around to share the burden, it's a downside of modern society that it usually is pretty much the nuclear family dealing with things like this.

Ah yes I empathise, both my children were/ are like this.
My two year old wakes every hour still but I know from my oldest that it eventually gets better so I’m finding it psychologically a lot easier this time. I guess with my first when he was still waking 10x a night at 1yr and 2yrs I had no idea if it would carry on forever and it really didn’t.
If it helps - although I know it might not - I know a lot of people whose babies and toddlers wake up many, many times a night. Nothing is necessarily “wrong” and it can be normal (albeit annoying).

My daughter was like this. Night weaning was key for us. It wasn't a quick process and there were a couple of false starts but it's made her sleeping so much better. The first couple of nights were rough. We have a sofa bed in her room so I'd sleep in there with her next to me and the first few nights there was a lot of crying. She quickly got the message that breastfeeding wasn't going to happen though.

Very much sympathy here. Ds1 was the same. Night weaning was the only thing. The first couple of nights were tough - I didn’t go in at all. Only husband and sister in law who was living with us so he knew there was no milk. It was sush and pat thing we did. However it did work. If you are at breaking point then you have to do something and your oh has to help. The thing to remember is that unless there are medical issues there is no need for night feeds at his age.

You poor thing. I remember feeling like this, my son was very hard work. It was also one of the reasons we had no more children....

I would suggest fully weaning off the breast at this point. He clearly is desperate to be latched on all night and knows what he likes! which cannot continue for your own sanity.

You are in the thick of it at the moment but I absolutely promise you, this will pass, it's not forever. Please try and hold on to that thought.

My sympathies tho - it's fucking excruciating at the time

For your own mental health, stop breastfeeding.
It will be rough and there will be tantrums, but you need to stop now. It is too much. You need your sleep.