Tips to simplify life?!

[FusionChefGeoff]

I need to strip back - I get excited about projects / activities / socialising and then spend most of my life stressed and resentful at how much I have to do.

I work for my own small events business which is very unpredictable in COVID times which definitely hasn't helped recently.

Apart from reminding myself every day that 'no thank you' is a perfectly valid response to other people's invites, any tips for how I can rein MYSELF in a bit?!!!

Kids activities is a great example - despite my best efforts post lockdown we're still back up to crazy football / rugby / cricket / swimming and just added drama class plus they're pestering me for basketball as well! I just feel so guilty saying 'no' to them as they are sport mad and it's so good for them to socialist out of school as well as exercise but it's just too much.

Doesn't help that DH doesn't feel the same as despite my best efforts his mental load is a fraction of mine.

Ha ha maybe midnight isn't the best time to post.

I've come up with one idea - my spider plants are all having babies and I'm just going to cut off the offshoot and bin it instead of having to plant them all, look after them all, get annoyed when they die, pot on the ones that live. Buy new pots, water yet more plants.

Just leave the spider babies on the plants! They do no harm

Spider plants look fab with their babies still attached!
I’m always happy when my kids want to do activities so wouldn’t want to cut down but maybe you could arrange lift shares or something (I realise this also takes organisation but once set up should free up some time)

Kids need some downtime to learn to entertain themselves. It's just as important as sports.

Chuck the spider babies if you want, I've done it myself when they got overwhelming. It's not the end of the world.

In order to be able to take care of the kids, yours DH, the spider plants, and everything else as well as you possibly can, you need to take care of yourself. You're allowed to have limits. It's okay to say no sometimes.

I thought the point of spider plants was that their babies hang off them. I'm still waiting for mine to all give birth

Kid's activities: max of three a week if you have to drive them there, rather than just pick up late from school. Basket ball is fine - they can do it next year if they drop something else.

Can you encourage them all to try the same thing at the same time, so you are not doing that mad dash of delivery to and collecting from three different places every night.

You do drop off, DH does collection. Every time. Or organise a proper car share with other parents - they pick up and you collect or vice versa every week.

You should have at least two weeknights and one weekend day where you are unscheduled, to catch up.

Remember it doesn't last forever. In their teens they start to get themselves from A to B on public transport and then they learn to drive.

Get Dh to do more - you need to be REALLY clear

"Kids want to be out 3 nights a week doing blah blah, block out your diary to take them - I'm going the shopping and cooking during those times"

Then MAKE SURE he blocks out his diary

(And secretly do the shopping online and put your feet up for an hour)

DH is great on a practical level and does cover a lot of sports clubs logistics - because he enjoys watching them so he doesn't see it as a job - it's his leisure time

But it's the mental load of the house / food which just doesn't touch him.

We're supposed to be having a family BBQ at the weekend with overnight guests - my head is spinning from the amount of stuff which needs to happen. He thinks 'buy burgers and beer' is the extent of the list and just cannot comprehend how much more there is or why it occupies my mind for a week before the event.

He will get stuck in tonight / tomorrow as a 'helper' and will do everything he's asked but, it's the age old story that he will need to be managed rather than think of the list himself.

Lists!

I have lists for everything. Mostly on my phone so I can update them and they’re searchable. I think of them like algorithms for life.

I have a terrible memory. Trying to remember what activity is on, what kit is needed, to bring extra water and a snack for after, check if someone needs plaster for a blister…..chaos.

I started keeping sports and hobby kits in their own dedicated bags and laundry is put away into the bags. Each hobby has a list - water/snack for after/coat if raining … things other people probably don’t even have to think about, but I forget. If I have to stand around in the cold I have a list for me too (wear these boots, gloves, bring hot drink, etc)

For parties, I used to write out my plans on a a3 sheet so was as in no doubt that there was more to it that burgers and beer. I did similar with holidays and Christmas. Now the info is on my phone.

For household management I find it easier to bulk buy on a schedule. Some things I top up yearly, others quarterly. It took a while to work out how much tinfoil we get through in a year. I gave a master list of everything that we ever buy to glance at when I’m going shopping that helps jog my memory.

I also have a milkman and veg box. I keep a good store cupboard and a freezer - the meat is portioned in thin flat packages so it’s easy and quick to defrost.

I have found it works better for dh and myself to take complete responsibility for a job rather than sharing it. Laundry for instance includes weeding out donations, buying new clothes, keeping track of the dc’ sizes. Cars includes scheduling maintenance, organising insurance, tax, cleaning, checking tyres.

I have an adhd profile and I’ve had to find systems to compensate for my own incompetence. I really relate to taking on too much (I don’t have a realistic of concept of time). Getting a timetable or calendar on paper helps. I have had to time how long things actually take because I forget that I can’t commute instantaneously.

For the mental load, wrote a list and then specify which are his responsibility. Entirely his responsibility. Not you to remind him. Explain how much it stressed you out.
Silly example but I do not do bins in our house. I can’t remember which day it is and I would have to check all the time. It is now not my job. Ever
Similarly my husband never ever buys presents. It’s not his job. It’s mine. He never needs to think someone’s birthday is approaching.
He does all the meal planning and food shopping. I cook but only what he tells me is for tea.
Then you HAVE to stop worrying about these things.

As for kids events, what do you do while they are doing it? We do the same drop off and pick up but do something nice while waiting. That’s not life admin but maybe a walk or go for a drink. Sitting in your car on your phone or making small talk with other parents is shit. Try and reclaim that time back.

@thelogohooverer, DH and also have ADHD traits (we're going to be assessed on saturday) and what you've said really resonates with me. I'm head of the clothes department and DH does all the car stuff. I do housework and gardening, he does all the errands and lifts. That all works quite well. But when it comes to food, we both want input and it gets messy. I make a meal plan and a shopping list, he does the shopping and gets other stuff, the meal plan goes out the window and we end up wasting food or not having anything defrosted because each of us assumed the other was looking after it. We definitely need strictly delineated areas of responsibility!

Get a shared Microsoft To Do list (free app).
Make the list together with your husband and kids (if old enough to understand).
Share the actions between you.

Thanks everyone - these are all really useful practical tips but I think I need to go deeper!!

It feels a bit like these are ideas to fix the symptoms of my complicated life but I'd like to remove the need for lots of lists / apps and just live a simpler life.

It's going to be more psychological / thinking patterns that need to be challenged and changed I think.

I'd like to not care about the house being a bit messy / dusty. I'd love to not want to grow my own veg (!?) as it just creates so much stress / work and yet every March I start planting seeds...?!

How do I remove the... pressure? Desire? Misplaced ambition? to do all this unnecessary stuff??

I've convinced myself that DS needs a new bedroom look ie new bed / decorated (only just corrected that whilst typing this message - would have said it as fact 2 minutes ago). A) he's not really mentioned it so why do I put pressure on myself to start this huge project?? And B) I then caught myself looking at 2nd hand beds etc and thinking "I could paint that to match the colour scheme" to try to save money on a new bed.

But we don't need to save money - we have a substantial inheritance just sat in investments. I can easily pay the £500 for the new integrated cabin bed / wardrobe / drawers etc - and yet my stupid brain starts generating a massive project which I ultimately add to the resentment and stress...

OP, I've recently started an interesting free online uni course via Coursera (recommended by someone on another thread) It's about the Science of Happiness. In week 1 they explain how most people demote happiness as a goal in life in favour of what they call 'Medium Maximization' which is something that clamours for attention but doesn't bring happiness, often something linked to social expectation.

So all this 'must have a new bedroom' 'must grow own veg' are Medium Maximizations - creating their own self-importance and pulling you away from happiness. If you set Being Happy as your major project, you could ditch some of this stuff.

Oh wow hi @robotcollision this is exactly the sort of magic I was hoping a wise MNetter may impart!!!

Yes yes yes. I need to remove the desire to do all this shit that's not important and replace it with a desire to be relaxed and happy.

I will to keep that in mind.