Hate my life, don't want to be here

[Lushers]

I feel so alone. I hate my life. Nothing goes right for me. I used to be positive but am struggling to be that person anymore. She's long gone. All I feel is negatively about everything.

Time after time I get knocked down I feel or nothing goes right for me. But I have to keep going and I hate that I do. I want to give up and say fuck it to everyone and everything.

Some context :-

Im separated for over 2 years and have 3 DCs. In 2019 I lost 2 close family members ( my father and brother died ) and my husband left the family home all in the space of 6 months. It was horrific and I'm
Still recovering tbh from grief I think -

I work pretty much full time ( 4 days a week) in a job I love thankfully but it's full on.

The family house is for sale, my exhusband has rejected 3 good offers. He's a twat.
I don't feel I will ever sell the house and move to something nice for myself and the kids. It just feels like it will never go right for me.

At the same time as the house being for sale, I'm going through a really nasty divorce that has dragged on for 18 months - my exhusband is dragging me through court to settle finances as he will not negotiate, and I fear I have a nasty final hearing looming in 4 weeks time. This just fills me with dread. Another reason I feel it all goes badly for me.

My exhusband was an abusive and manipulative man who made my life hell when I tried to end the relationship. And he continues to make my life hell now I'm trying good to divorce him. I have nothing left it feels.

Many of my friends have withdrawn from me, I think they can't handle the realities of me during this period quite frankly as it's too
Much for them so they've fallen by the way side. Some amazing ones have stuck to me who I really value. But.... some of the married couples who we were friends with me/ my ex as couples have totally dumped me, and to be frank they can go fuck then selves as they have proved to me what shit friends they actually are.

I don't know what I'm asking for or need , I just feel so alone, and so weak and feeble. I just want something to go well for me.
Pathetic I realise but perhaps I need a handhold or a virtual hug from
You lovely
Mumsnetters x

Didn't want to read and run - You sound remarkably resourceful and strong. You've got this far. You have been through so much, and are still here. You've done so well leaving an abusive partner. You sound very strong to me. Sending you good vibes ~~~~~< Good vibes, and lots of love and good luck. Aww, go on, have a hug from me (((hug))).

I couldn’t read and run. I have no advice but a big virtual hug

@73kittycat73

Didn't want to read and run - You sound remarkably resourceful and strong. You've got this far. You have been through so much, and are still here. You've done so well leaving an abusive partner. You sound very strong to me. Sending you good vibes ~~~~~ Aww, go on, have a hug from me (((hug))).

Thank you for your reply ❤️ means a lot that you took some time to do that x People tell me I'm strong and resilient but inside I don't feel I am that... perhaps I am more than I think. Im just in a pit right now and I suppose I need to dig deep again to get through the final hurdles. I see my life in a year and know it'll be easier. Divorce done, moved to my own house. But I have to get thru this final part xx

Thanks again for your reply x

@Jumpitha

I couldn’t read and run. I have no advice but a big virtual hug

Cool name and thanks for not just passing me by. Means loads 🥰

Sounds like you've had a really shit time, I'm so sorry.

You also come across as being incredibly strong to have coped so far.

It can really hurt when friends desert is but you're better off without those kind of friends.

Remember, life changes, how you feel now won't last forever and things will get better ❤.

A big hug. Also the pandemic. All the things we usually do to help our wellbeing have been off for a year. Pre pandemic and pre kids what would you have done to help you feel better? Hopefully you will make some more friends, don’t worry not all friends are meant to last.
A big hug.

Your xhusband sounds like a royal prick and no wonder you're feeling down in the dumps.

Sounds like you've really be through the mill and no matter how hard it feels it absolutely will get better.

You can do this, just 4 weeks left til the final settlement when you can breath a sigh of relief there... as for the house, I don't know what you can do.

It's great that you have some great friends who've stuck by you, you've learnt who your real friends are.

Anyway just wanted to give you a virtual hug and congratulate you on getting rid of that abusive ass!

You’ve had so much to deal with, it’s no wonder you’re struggling. Could you afford therapy? It’s done wonders for me and my sibling after losing a family member. I’m glad you have a few friends you can rely on, I hope they give you lots of support.

@Pinkchocolate
Therapy is a good idea. I did it on and off while my marriage broke down and also more recently during the pandemic. I do it monthly now to keep costs down, it is helpful .
Thank you for the virtual hug x

@no1iscoming
Yes to getting rid of a useless waste of space arsehole ex.
One thing in all this is I celebrate every day still that I'm not with him. Just a fleeting thought and it's enough to make me smile.

I'm normally pretty good at rallying myself. I feel I'm more in a pit tho recently and I can't lift myself out of it.
I also feel like I'm always always talking about it and I'm paranoid my friends are getting sick of it. I don't want to turn into that sad bitter middle age women...

Your Ex sounds like a massive prick.
You did the best thing leaving him.
Remember everything is temporary. In 6 months the divorce will be over and you can move on with your life. A real fresh start!
You can handle this hurdle.
Big hug!

I’m glad.
How old are your children? I hope you can see they need you, your life isn’t pointless and you will eventually feel happy again.

Today might be shit, tomorrow might be shit... but one day soon you'll be divorced to that dickhead and you'll feel a weight has been lifted. Hold on op. Life will get better.

All your replies are making me cry.
But they do help me to know that somewhere you are sending me wishes and hugs

My ex is a Massive PRICK that's for sure.
It makes me laugh that you all can see this just from what I've typed lol ..

I'm feeling a little stronger . Perhaps a sleep and a new day will help me.

I'm trying to do the things I need to do to get thru. Exercise, early nights and laying off booze and the occasional ciggie which is not a great thing. But... I need to get thru the next 4 weeks ...

I was in your position a year ago with a final hearing looming. To be honest it knocked me sideways and I had a mental breakdown.
Is it worth speaking to your GP? I found that meds helped me get through what was such a difficult time. I also had some counselling.
It feels like it’ll never end I know. But it will and it does. And when you are in your own home you will be free.
Please hang in there. It’s a lengthy process and I’m only just coming out the other end (three years since initial separation).
I know how you feel and you are not alone xxx

@Pinkchocolate

I’m glad. How old are your children? I hope you can see they need you, your life isn’t pointless and you will eventually feel happy again.

Thanks for your support @Pinkchocolate I have 3 DS 17,14 and 10. We have a wonderful close relationship full of love and are all very tactile. They are with their dad at the moment for 2 weeks holidays so I suppose that's adding to My sadness tonight . As much as I hated my ex, at least I wasn't apart from My boys. That still hurts x

@RosesandPumpkins

I was in your position a year ago with a final hearing looming. To be honest it knocked me sideways and I had a mental breakdown. Is it worth speaking to your GP? I found that meds helped me get through what was such a difficult time. I also had some counselling. It feels like it’ll never end I know. But it will and it does. And when you are in your own home you will be free. Please hang in there. It’s a lengthy process and I’m only just coming out the other end (three years since initial separation). I know how you feel and you are not alone xxx

@RosesandPumpkins Thank you for your message. I'm sorry you had a terrible time too and that you had a breakdown. That must have been hard. I feel your pain. I feel almost on the verge of this. I've had time off in June when I had the FDR but it didn't settle so I'm veering towards FH in September. God knows how I will cope. The docs has already put me on top of my medication for anxiety xxx

It helps to know you made it thru tho x

Most of this is to do with your ex-husband, and you are getting away from him.
There are some other real positives in what you've written:

1. You have some great friends;
2. Your house is very sellable. Can you check your legal position on whether your husband can be forced to accept a reasonable offer or buy you out?
3. You have the kids;
4. The final hearing will very soon be behind you.

Keep going OP, you are clearly a very strong and capable person. Remember that each day is one step closer to the end. Continual court proceedings are incredibly stressful.
Maybe speak to women's aid? They helped me immensely recently when I was in a similar situation.

Hi OP I hope you have woken up feeling a bit better this morning.

You have been through a terrible time by the sounds of it but you are almost there so hold on! You have three lovely boys who need their Mum and soon you will have a final court decision which will put a stop to your ex's control and wankery.

It's inevitable to lose some joint friends along the way but the ones who really matter are still there for you and you always have us Mumsnetters! Soon you will have your own home, free of memories of your ex which I promise you will be the most amazing feeling. Brighter days are coming and you are on the homeward stretch. You're amazing!

@Lushers I’m sorry that you are feeling like this, but with everything that has happened to you, it’s totally understandable why you do.
Firstly, I would say to consider some counselling. Your GP could refer you or in some areas you can self refer. Alternatively, you could seek this out privately. It would give you the space to talk to someone openly & to make some plans. You wouldn’t feel that you were burdening friends with problems, even though they probably don’t feel that you are.
Do you read (or listen to audio books) at all OP? Paul Mort’s book - Talking Sh*t discusses dealing with really difficult situations & how to move forward. He’s very straight talking with some swearing but the content is good. He has lived through some difficult experiences & has come through the other side & is flourishing.
Good luck OP, I hope things soon pick up.

Gosh I read this and really wanted to give you a hug. Then I wanted to just say it will get better - my arsehole ex made my life hell at times. You have done so fantastically brilliantly to get this far. I don't want to minimise all the shit at all but the things that jumped out at me were your wonderful relationship with your kids, you have a few friends who have really stuck by you and you know now how incredible they really are, and you have taken amazing steps to get your life to the one you want and deserve. I don't know you but I wanted to just give you a cheer!! You've got this, you're nearly there, your life will be so much more better soon. And I'm sure the kids and their hugs being back around in a week or two will help lots too. You can do this!

You lovely ladies have made me feel a lot stronger and perhaps waking up this morning I feel a little less weak and feeble.
Thank you all for replying. It's very lovely to know that there is such support out there at times like these.

Really good advice. I've come along way I know and have got thru this far.. a few more weeks of hardship on the horizon and some better days will come I know

Thank you all again xx means such a lot