Abuser has died

[Strangefeelings]

I've name changed for this I am a regular mumsnetter. I've never told anyone (apart from my dh) this before.

When I was 14 I was attacked by someone I knew (a man who was married to someone in my family) he sexually assaulted me when I was on the way home on an evening in December after leaving presents in his house (he left before I left and waited in my garden which was hidden from view, pulled me in into trees) I never told anyone. I Did have some counseling in my 20s because as much as I tried to keep it hidden and forget about it, it came out, especially when I would start a new relationship and sex would come into the picture. Or if I had alcohol and then I'd freak out the next day scared Id spoken to anyone about it.

Anyway I've just been told he has died today. My family are all upset and talking about him in glowing terms. I feel numb. Sick actually. I also feel like a bad person because I can't join in with their reminiscing of him. I don't want to go anywhere near a funeral. My DH said he's delighted. But I don't feel that either. I cried earlier and I can't stop thinking about him and what happened. I don't even know what I'm asking here. Sorry if I've posted this in the wrong place. And thanks if you've actually read it all.

Oh my goodness, it's brought it all back, hasn't it? No wonder you feel the way you do.

You are not a bad person because you can't reminisce or grieve in the same way as your family, and staying away from the funeral would be the best thing really.

Perhaps it might be worth considering further counselling now.

It’ll take a while to process it

I’m with your DH though. Actively looking forward to this happening to my abuser. Sounds awful but I don’t care.

I hope you can move on from this xxx

Thanks aerosocks yeah going for some more counseling has been on my mind even since start of the year. You see his wife died then and I had a full blown panic attack because I was expected to go and sympathize with him but DH saved me from all of that by telling all of my family we had to isolate as he had covid symptoms. Which meant I missed the whole funeral and condolences thing. But I feel that I've kept this a secret for so long I don't know if I can actually speak it, like just actually get the words out. Even the thought of having to go into any details makes me want to vomit.

💐sametoo I'm so sorry you've gone through similar. Fucking monsters. And nope I don't think of you as a bad person at all. Actually dh and me had a conversation years ago and I did say then I would be delighted to hear this news. It's Just left me in a very weird place now it's happened. I hadn't thought about "it" fir a few months, not since start of the year, so it's just like bang and I'm back there again. No escape from it only a reprieve for a while.

Not to diagnose you over the Internet, but when I had PTSD the therapist told me that the 'bang and I'm back in it' was actually flashbacks. The way the brain works means the traumatic memories are stored differently to normal memories, so your brain gets flooded and you can't cope. All sorts of things can be triggers for flashbacks. I'm not surprised you are feeling overwhelmed under the circumstances.

Treatment for PTSD is very VERY effective because it enables the brain to move the memories to the right place and takes away their overwhelming power.

@Strangefeelings handhold for you.

I was similar with a male relative at 13, I was also expected to go to the funeral when he died. My immediate family never knew what he did. I pushed it down for years.

Sometime after the funeral I went to his grave and I had a lovely dance on it, imaging myself crushing his head and body and that I was alive and he wasn't. That helped me slightly.

Hi OP
Do not go to the funeral - say you have to self-isolate.
You have every right to be angry, hurt and resentful at this time.
Go lower contact for now with those who want to sing the bastard's praises.
Ignore social media.
Seek another therapy session.
Godspeed

Thanks sequins Funeral was today I didn't go. I have actually not made any contact with my family or seen them. My father did ring me to let me know the arrangements once they were finalized I just said I don't know if I can make it as dh is working shifts and it might be difficult. He didn't really say anything. But I know my absence will have been noted and discussed by other family members (and for some mad reason this is really bothering me) anyway fuck them...Dh reckons they're not much of a family if I couldn't tell them and have gotten them to protect me.

I sat in my garden with the kids running around, and the sun shining and felt calm. This is my happy space with them.

Your post makes a lot of sense Tencornmaidens need to find a therapist to chat this all out. Dh & me had an argument last night about it all. He just doesn't get it in a "he's dead now move on you have us" way I do need to sort this out

notanotherboxoffrogs so sorry this happened to you too. Think I'm angry now at the fact he really did get away with it. And how many other young girls or even boys in my area did he do this to.

I did take a look at the death notices site and the amount of messages saying how he was a great man, a funny man (ohhh and he was with his lurid inappropriate dirty jokes aimed at teenage girls to make them feel uncomfortable) how he would be missed made me burn up
With anger and hurt.

Anyway thanks for the posts I definitely needed somewhere to "stay" during the last few days and you have been so good

OP take care of yourself.

I can’t begin to imagine how you must have felt and how you must be feeling.

I am so sorry you had to endure that. You are a strong person so never doubt yourself.

Good for you on getting the counselling. It is always good to talk to somebody.

So sorry this happened to you.

It must be a very difficult time for you as you process this and not being able to tell any of your family and have to hear them reminisce about him must be really awful.

Your husband also needs to understand the depth of your painful memories and trauma so that he can support you while you heal rather than push the ‘all over, done now’ approach. Yes, you have him and your beautiful children and the sunny garden is a safe and lovely place but you have a corner of your mind that isn't so sunny.

When I had to speak to explain to the doctor, I literally felt like my lips were glued together and I couldn’t open my mouth to get the words out. I had developed a stammer which came on when I had to talk about it. There are still things I can't, am not able, to tell anyone.

I haven’t had EMDR therapy but I do know someone who has found it a massive help in overcoming traumatic events in their childhood and teenage.

I’ve also read about EMDR and it would seem like something you could look into. Rather than ‘talk it out’ therapy it’s been developed to help people recover from trauma more quickly and in a different way.

This is a link to the EMDR Association for the UK – I think it may be worth a read. emdrassociation.org.uk/life-changing-stories/

I really do hope things become easier for you and that you heal and overcome this.

How are you feeling a week on, OP? Are you holding up okay?
Wishing you well
Sequins Xx