Awful family stuff feel so desperate

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

I've just had enough. I can't take the unfairness and the awfulness. I can't cope with everything anymore.

I would say I'm suicidal but I'd never leave my children or my husband. But I just want it all to stop.

I feel like if she stays I may snap and give her chapter and verse of why I think she is awful

You're not controlling him. Think of it as you doing what's best for both of your mental health. Why should you have her to stay, just because she wants to? If she can't behave she doesn't get to visit - that's it, surely?

But at the same time if we say no she will want to know why

What is it that she's doing? What kind of impact would it have on both of you?

Hi OP just came across this thread and didn’t want to read and not post.

I don’t think you are controlling your husband. If the thought of your MIL staying had you in so much turmoil then it’s not about control - it’s about making a decision that puts your mental and emotional well-being first.

The thought of going NC with family is scary, why not reframe it as you stepping back and taking a break for a while. Is that possible? Reducing contact, not speaking to them as much, not replying to texts as quickly etc

@DueyCheatemAndHow

I can walk away but obviously DH needs to make that decision too.

It looks like MIL is staying with us next month. If I said 'I don't think she should then DH would say no to her but then I feel its me controlling him.

They are all awful. His mum, his stepdad, his dad, his sister. The drama and nastiness is just horrendous.

If that's what need to be done to keep you and Dh sane and maintain your marriage then tell mil she's not staying. You need to block them and never allow them set foot in your home again.

This is hard to explain really.

MIL remarried when DH was 8 and then had more children when he was a young teenager. Has been treated appallingly, stepdad is just awful to him and MIL does nothing. She moved 500 miles away the week before our 2nd was born and comes out with stuff like 'I just need to get a fix of the children'. DH and our children obviously aren't important to her, that's fine, but I don't want them becoming toys for her, I not fair on them. Step FIL once joked about punching our baby in the face.

FIL is an abusive drunk, last message we got from him was 'you're out of my will, you'll get nothing just like you deserve, you toffee nosed twat'.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Speaking to the GP is a good idea but if you can't face going NC I'd at least go LC for the sake of everyone's mental health. And definitely don't have MIL to stay.

If she wants to know why just say your not feeling great at the moment....or its not a good time....
You don't have to actually say anything as no is a complete sentence..but equally you can be vague.....if she pushes push back....say its private....if you want to if certainly doesn't have to be the truth .....give yourself a break....think of it as a time out.....and find someone to help yourself and maybe you and dh both deal with how you manage the situation...

You say game of chess....you don't have to play....

@DueyCheatemAndHow

I'm on 10mg citalopram and have been for 3 months but no difference yet

You probably need a higher dose....I’m on 40mg....I started on 20mg....10mg probably won’t touch the sides....it’s such a low dose

Can I suggest doing a bit of reframing? At the moment, it's very distressing because you care about everyone involved.

However the only people you need to care about are you, DH and your DCs. It's ok to do what is good for them and for you.

Stop caring about the others, about what they think or what they feel.

Once you've detached a bit emotionally, ask DH why she's coming, why does he want her to come, does he want her to come. You can keep a neutral tone so you aren't leading him. See what he says. It may be the best thing for all of you is to say no, not now. Buy yourselves some time.

Obviously I don't know anything much about your situation and what I said might not be relevant.

Op I want to extend my sympathies, our family has been pushed to the brink by in laws.

We did relate.

Life is too short, don't let these bastard grind you down, don't be afraid to tell me why you don't want her there.

Thank you no that is helpful!

If it was me I'd tell them where to go and I'd say why but DH is much calmer (or is just so used to being treated badly...).

We are just uncertain of ourselves. I k ow money isn't everything but I am worried we are cutting off our noses to spite our children's faces.

Oh I don't know. I might see if we can get a counsellor together, we had one for a bit before. Problem is with 2 young children without support is when you do it!

It's so hard when dc are small. Do you have friends that you've met through dc? People will often be enthusiastic about taking it in turns, you sitting for theirs one evening, they have yours while you are at counselling.