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Original poster

Partner says I've passed my fears and insecurities onto my son

23 replies

tinatsarina · 16/08/2021 18:15

My son just turned 7 and he doesn't like sleeping in the dark and doesn't like spiders. I prefer sleeping with the light on when I'm by myself and I have a fear of spiders. He went away with his granda to some amusements and wouldn't go on the bumper cars or rollercoasters, since he was very little he hasn't liked heights. Lately he's been peeing the bed at night but didn't when away with his granda. He has a toy monkey he takes with him for overnights.

My partner thinks it's strange, he's weird, I've made him this way etc etc. Like getting properly cross about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinatsarina · 16/08/2021 18:18

He also mentioned how I have anxiety about going out (mild depression and anxiety post partum) from having a 17 month old and a 4 month old and how my son's afraid to go out, he isn't he can be shy around people but some kids are just quieter

OP posts:
MikeWozniaksMohawk · 16/08/2021 18:18

That all sounds normal for a 7 year old to me. Some will like amusement like that, some won’t. Light on at night is hardly uncommon. If he’s started wetting the bed I’d be concerned your partner (is he the dad?) is causing him anxieties by criticising him for perfectly normal reactions in a 7yo!

Original poster
tinatsarina · 16/08/2021 18:26

I thought it was normal to but he keeps saying it like there's something wrong with him, I've told him to back off cuz I'm worried he's gonna give him a complex or something but apparently it's all my fault and he's gonna get bullied in school etc.

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Fireplace12 · 16/08/2021 18:26

Well yes, you probably have passed on your fears. It’s quite normal to do so without realising. However that doesn’t make your son weird or anything. Is your partner not his father? Has the bed wetting coincided with your partners rather worrying opinions of your son being voiced?

Deadringer · 16/08/2021 18:27

Your partner sounds like a twat! It is possible that your son has picked up some of his fears from you, but not necessarily so. I don't mind spiders and neither do two of my dds, the other two are terrified of them. Some children are shyer and more sensitive than others your little boy sounds perfectly normal for many 7 year olds. What your ds needs most is to feel safe and secure, your dp criticising him is not going to help.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2021 18:28

How many of the kids are his?

Apeirogon · 16/08/2021 18:31

It's possible that you may have passed on your fears to some extent, we're all influenced by our environment and it would be impossible for you to completely shield your son from these aspects of your personality.

The point is that he is who he is, whether that's nature or nurture or (most likely) a combination of the two. Parenting him will be a matter of working with him to give him confidence and security. Not criticising him and judging him.

JanisJ · 16/08/2021 18:32

I definitely inherited some anxieties and irrational fears/behaviours from my DM.

I didn't realise this until I was an adult.

Kite22 · 16/08/2021 18:32

Really difficult for any of us to say.

Yes, lots of 7 yr olds have anxieties, or have had anxieties about things, but they can sometimes be 'fed' or 'soothed away' depending on how the care giver reacts / responds.

So he could have a point, or he might not have a point.
No-one who doesn't know you will be able to say for sure.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/08/2021 18:34

Like getting properly cross about it. I doubt your son is oblivious to that!

Everything you have posted is normal for some 7 year olds.

But not really normal for concerned parents or partners of parents.

Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 18:36

My dd is 17 and still has a cuddle toy she takes when she stays at friends. They have them when they come here.

Kids do pick up on our fears. But there's usually not much you can do about it. It's also normal for kids to have some fears.

Apart from you not wanting to go out, which you say he hasn't picked up on and he isn't afraid to go out, I would say the things you have described as normal.

Original poster
tinatsarina · 16/08/2021 18:38

I understand it's hard to specify what's caused these fears probably hasn't been helped by my own fear of spiders. All the kids are his. I just don't get why he's being so annoyed by it. It's like he's constantly on his back about closing doors, and things as well

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Hen2018 · 16/08/2021 18:40

Well, yes, I’m sure I’ve passed my thoughts about spiders on to my children. It happens, despite our best efforts.

Your partner sounds unpleasant.

Galassia · 16/08/2021 18:42

And what traits has he picked up from your partner?

It’s all very well bemoaning negative things your child has picked up from you but let’s hope the kid hasn’t picked up his father's unsupportive and critical traits.

PeterCorbeau · 16/08/2021 18:43

It's tricky. I do not like spiders at all but I force myself to be excited when we see one so DD doesn't pick up on it. So far it seems to be working as she's happy to go and inspect them, but it's hard to live in such control if you have proper phobias and anxiety of such things. So he probably will pick up on things - but have you ever spoken to him about it?

NotSoLongGoodbye · 16/08/2021 18:44

Hi OP. Don't beat yourself up. Your DS is OK and he will learn to deal with the things he's scared of at the moment. FWIW my DS was fine with spiders until a teacher at school started shrieked when she saw (an albeit huge) one. None of us are perfect. And also FWIW your partner sounds like he is likely having a negative impact on your son if he is going around saying stuff like that.

Original poster
tinatsarina · 16/08/2021 18:46

Yea he can be somewhat unsupportive at times more so when he's stressed but lately it seems like he's constantly picking on little things

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Thelnebriati · 16/08/2021 18:51

Next time he complains your son has picked up some of your fears, ask him why doesn't he do something constructive to help both of you overcome your fears instead of just being critical?

Regularsizedrudy · 16/08/2021 18:55

Your son has anxiety because his father is a bully

VaguelyInteresting · 16/08/2021 19:02

You’re depressed and anxious because your partner is a dick. Forget the spiders- your kid will pick up on his fathers bullying behaviour far more so.

Have you thought perhaps your son didn’t wet the bed at his grandmothers because his anxiety dropped away from the home environment- ie his father?

I think you need to take a long hard look at your relationship and ask if it’s damaging your child. If yes- you know what you need to do.

Original poster
tinatsarina · 16/08/2021 19:26

I have asked my son if there's anything that worries him anything he wants to talk to me about but he says no it's ok. I just feel he goes off on a rant randomly and his latest focus seems to be this

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VaguelyInteresting · 16/08/2021 19:43

@tinatsarina

Not to be pedantic, but thats what I used to say when adults/my mum asked me if there was anything worrying me.

There was. My stepfather was psychologically & emotionally abusing me. He ranted quite a lot about random things I’d done/not done/ ways I hadn’t measured up to his expectations too.

JanisJ · 16/08/2021 21:03

OP, don't beat yourself up. I bet there are millions upon millions of kids that are scared of the dark and spiders.

I'm 37 and I still run up the stairs with the light on, and only switch it off when I'm at my bedroom door. People are weird, we're all scared of something. He'll very likely grow out of it.

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