Are shit friends better than having no friends?

[Featherweight372]

I've been living with a chronic illness for 25 years. After a rocky start with it through my late teens/early twenties things settled down for me and I've been in remission for a good chunk of time.

My luck ran out last year and I've been pretty poorly since then. I've realised that my friends really don't care. I don't mention it very often as I don't want to bring people down but as an example, my friend in a group chat asked directly how we all were. I said I'd had a bad weekend and was struggling but that hopefully things would improve soon. Not one of them even acknowledged it. They just ignored it and carried on talking about mundane, unimportant stuff.

I feel so hurt. I dont want anything from anyone but I would never ever do that. I feel like just cutting them all out. I thought we were close but when life gets difficult they've just not been there for me. The only people who care are my DH and my lovely mum.

I'm hoping I will recover physically from this but I'm finding myself thinking that I don't want these people in my life. Would I regret not making an effort with them anymore though? I've always enjoyed my friendships but they're just not the people I thought they were.

i can't see why that makes them shit friends? Nobody acknowledges every contribution in a group chat, or even most of them

I think a missed comment in a group chat is not a make or break moment in friendships. Are they usually good friends who are sympathetic and understanding? Have you been able to meet up regularly, or has it been a while and they've lost sight of your situation a bit?

I'd assume they're still the good people you've always liked. A mistake does not make them shit friends.

Do you only communicate in group chat? How is your relationship one on one with these friends?

I’m personally not into phoney friendships, if I don’t feel there is a genuine connection and a two way mutual care and respect then I’d not bother, that’s just me though. Everybody is different x

Having a chronic illness is shit in itself. Are your friends generally "good" about it, and supportive, or are they on the "ignore it" bench? For me, there's your answer.

It might help to adjust your expectations. I have friends who I could rely on for support, but also a much larger number of friends I have fun with, go places with, but I wouldn't expect support as such. It doesn't make them shit friends, and they bring a lot to my life.

Would your life really be better if you throw a tantrum and dump these friends? Or might you regret it when you are feeling better and ready to socialise more?

I was dx with a serious condition a few years back and I'd say give it time. The ones who carry on as normal are the friends I've stuck with.

I have found that when I'm not good, DM is the best source of support. I tend not to go into the ups and downs as much anymore with friends, as my ups and down are endless!

I just make it clear what I can and can't manage e.g. preferred timings of meetups, equal distance between us, and they are good about this which I appreciate. I do appreciate being asked how I am every now and then but I prefer not to be asked all the time.

Do you have any support meetup groups for your condition? I have found these to also be really helpful alongside family.

I also tend not to take on so much of other peoples problems now, because I only have so much I can give and its better to look after me first. I used to drop everything to see friends or have long phone calls but I can't do that anymore. So give yourself lots of TLC and self care op (advice I need to take for myself).

It's making me reflect on the friendships and I've never really had to lean on them for support before, it's always just been based on fun times. Like I said, I'm not expecting flowers or them to rush round to help look after me or anything like that but I'm so ill and for them to not even acknowledge it has really hurt. Maybe after a year of it they've just had enough although I've really not harped on about it at all.

We've not been able to meet up, I'm now immunosuppressed so I'm pretty much house bound.

I think I do need to adjust my expectations. I've got people to go to for support and these friends will still be there for the fun stuff when my health allows I'm just in a bad place and some kind words would have meant a lot.

Totally natural to hope for at least a polite follow up from your friends.

I wonder if your message was quite "chin up, everything alright now"? I remember telling a friend that my baby DS had been in hospital (hastily adding "it's all fine now") and being offended that she showed no concern, when he had really been quite ill. But in reality I hadn't told her how ill he had been, and I had told her everything was fine...

I do always try and end on a positive note so yes, that could be it. Still pretty poor of them though I think.