WRT the cliche thread.. would über mums/wives/ women please advise how to live a little.

[RickJames]

I was just thoroughly enjoying the cliche thread and loving hearing how women spoil/ enjoy themselves.

I am far from poor but I have a 'poor mindset'. I also have mental health/ eating disorder stuff going on and I realise I've managed to back myself into a joyless corner of fear/ dread.

My days are literally pathetic apart from doing activities with DS. And I always buy him nice/ posh things. I spend a good portion of everyday crying and punishing myself for not being good enough.

Please can you educate me on standing up for yourself/ buying yourself nice stuff etc. Less wealthy but healthy people - your opinions are probably as, if not more, valuable, as I'm hoping to be inspired but can't imagine myself ordering a Sematic kitchen right now. Just some baby steps into feeling like I can have wants and stuff.

Sorry its pathetic, but thanks xx

Uh, Siematic...

Are you attending counselling atm for your mental health/eating disorder? If not, that's a good place to start. It's more than educating yourself - there's clearly a deep rooted sense there that you don't 'deserve' these things. Getting to the root of why you feel that way, and how you can change your mindset entails working on yourself.

Hi @KittytheHare

I was but covid messed everything up and because I'm not the highest priority I got sidelined. I was okay for a while but now I'm really struggling. I read a study though, where they gave a third of the cohort Botox, a third antidepressants and a third a placebo and the Botox cohort came out best! I've read a lot about treatments and the findings seem so mixed. Maybe I just need to get out of my mindset in other ways, hence my post.

Thank you for responding.

I spend a good portion of everyday crying and punishing myself for not being good enough.

Therapy could be a good way to get to the crux of this as it's deeply rooted and 'surface' level things might smooth over the cracks for the meantime but it won't help dealing with the root of this feeling especially if you are crying daily and feeling entirely worthless.

But to answer your question, as clichéd as the term is I do really believe in self-care. So for me that means researching about skin care and buying/using products to nourish my skin. I can spend hours on the Boots website and watching vids, reading articles about skincare and beauty. I also love a good clear out / organising of my clothes and general items - it helps to bring in some sort of structure and organisation in my life. What has really helped me is exercise, I go running quite a few times a week and regularly do strength training to improve my core strength. It's helped me to carry myself with a lot more confidence and I always listen to random podcasts whilst doing so.

Think of it more as a journey than a 'final' destination.

Honestly @VladmirsPoutine

I'm really not seeing the magic from therapy. I did have what I thought was a good psychotherapist but it's really hard to keep up that positivity when basically, you don't feel it.

I do all the face cream and the sports because I'm ashamed of how I look so I try my best to look acceptable.

So now I think its time to look at what makes other people feel good.

Do you have friends… not acquaintances but real friends?
I honestly think a few good friends who know the good bad and downright terrible about you make life so much easier.

@Jumpingintosummer

I don't have any friends where I live. Obviously I still have all my old friends who I meet up with on Zoom or maybe once a year. Its a real problem. We've moved around so much for DH's job. I now live in a hill village in Europe and I've really tried to be nice and stuff but im completely isolated. I've never been in this position before so whilst I know its my own fault for being a foreigner, I also know I'm nice and have always had good friends.

Sorry PPs, I was hoping for something like 400 thread count sheets or something. 'Impossible to currently access therapy due to everyone going mental from covid' and 'make some friends with unfriendly people with faces like Easter Island heads' is just not happening. But I know what you mean, that would also have been my response to someone else.

If your mental health is poor - and it sounds like it is - invest in your diet as that'll give you the best bang for buck. High nutrition foods, no processed foods. Take magnesium, folate, omega and iron supplements to correct any existing deficiencies.

There is no 'thing' that'll make you happy. Wholesome food and fresh air might help though.

I was going to say that singing in a choir makes me feel good, and so does learning stuff. You might not be able to get to an in-person choir from your village, but one effect of the pandemic is that there are a lot of online choirs and singing lessons. I did an opera singing class which was great fun, and I've been doing a lot of online learning in general. I've signed up for a creative writing course for the autumn. A friend did the same one last year, and she's almost finished a novel now, and has a weekly online writing group with people she met on her course.

Another 'rich' mindset is, don't let any object into your life that you believe not to be useful AND beautiful.

And gardening is pretty good at improving mood, too. Start a vegetable patch?

@Guineapigbridge

Do you have a guinea pig? My last one died aged 9 last month. I love guinea pigs. I'm good at guinea pigs!

I have a supplements drawer lol. I cook, I exercise, it's the environment I think. I feel like I'm in God's waiting room.

I have found some comfort from throwing things out, true, but to be frank I often feel like having a huge fire in the garden for EVERYTHING and thats not a healthy thought.

Thank you for responding.

Saying yes to adventure. If someone suggests a new place to go or food to try I always look. I assume it will be fun or I will have fun finding out it was terrible.

@DaisyWaldron

I think the study thing could be a really good idea. Thanks.

I have fruit and vegetables... they hate me, the slugs hate me, the soil hates me. Then I have to harvest it and cook or preserve. Thats so hard motivation wise when you just want to never cook or eat ever again. My only garden pleasure is my sunflowers, roses and foxgloves, but they are great. And I dont have to cook and eat them

Sorry, I'm not nay-saying! Ive been trying everything and thats why I asked after these supremely confident women with fabulous lifestyles! I fancied a different angle. Everyone that's answered has been sensible, insightful and lovely BTW x

@RickJames I used to have two darling little piggies but they died. Lovely little souls. I can tell you are a caring person. I think caring for animals could be one of those special self-care things you could do? I've loved the process of choosing and owning a little dog. A luxury that gives deep happiness.

It sounds like things are tough but it also sounds like you’re being tough on yourself too. Be kind to yourself!

Take 15 minutes everyday just for you to do something. Could be anything: 15 minutes learning to play a musical instrument, or 15 minutes going for a walk alone, or for a short run, or 15 mins writing, or drawing, or even just sitting calmly without distraction admiring the view. Just make those 15mins yours.

While I agree with lots of the pp's that getting to the root of your feelings is probably key it sounds to me that you want to feel you deserve nice stuff?

You say you buy your child nice things which is lovely so maybe, just maybe you need to model to him that mummy is worth nice things too. So you go and buy a book each, or you order a delicious coffee too. Start small, a great pillow to help you sleep better so you're better rested and have more energy to have fun with your kid for example. A poverty mindset is a thing, if you are ok for money it can be a joyless existence and not that great for children to see tbh.

Actually, the high thread count bedlinen you mentioned? Highly recommended. I get mine in TK Maxx, always in white, and it makes the bed feel like a comfortable, calm, lovely safe place. Even when DH is kicking around like a loon .

Getting up early and enjoying a calm, peaceful sunrise works for me. Also blaring some good angry music when I have the house to myself and singing my extremely tone-deaf little heart out. Oh that feels good.

And I'm seriously not criticising you, but stop saying sorry. It's okay to read the advice and say 'thank you (which you have) but I know myself well enough to know that that won't work for me'. You don't have to apologise too. Believe me, I know it's hard. I too have a history of eating disorders, being hard on myself, and feeling like I need to apologise for even existing. I'm working hard on changing that. Stopping beating myself up for every little thing has not come naturally to me, is difficult and requires constant effort, but is also the main thing that has made a big difference to me.

Do you like to read? I signed up for a book subscription last year, once a month i get through the post a book, some biscuits and either tea/coffee/hot chocolate. I really like it! I also went Vegan in January so got a vegan magazine subscription, and a vegan food box that comes once a month with different vegan goodies in. Small gestures but they make me happy and are just for me! I also signed up for an online course, it doesn't have a time limit to complete it so do it when I can. And also bought a paint by number canvas (not started that yet though!) And cats, cats make me happy! (Also have a 7yr old guinea pig!).

I get terrible anxiety and these are the things that help me:
Trying new things, tried paddleboarding recently, so relaxing. And makes you feel good to conquer something new
Reading - escaping to a different place in your mind for a while is so helpful
Nature - a walk in the woods is so good for the soul and a bit of sunshine and natural light is important
Bullet journal - to make me feel ordered and more in control
Prioritising sleep
Fun exercise like zumba,salsa dancing, rock climbing
Listening to music. Especially listening to whole albums, it's a different experience to just listening to singles
Houseplants - make your environment nicer!
Wearing clothes that feel nice - you deserve that
Saying out loud five things I am grateful for every day, it forces you to appreciate what is good

If baby steps are what you want try treating yourself to a little piece of jewellery. An uber woman/mum I know regularly buys herself an expensive piece of jewellery when she's finished a big job. She's super self-aware, confident and just has this joy and contentment about her (she's recently divorced ). Would never think to buy myself jewellery but browsing online last night I treated myself to a lovely pendant with the initials of my two dc's engraved on. It was hardly bank breaking stuff but the fact I bought it for myself will make it feel more special when I wear it than if it was bought for me. Maybe get the cheaper end stuff for your dc for a while (they grow so fast anyway) and start treating yourself to little meaningful things to lift your spirits (along with keeping up the exercise, good eating, quality sleep etc). www.murujewellery.com/necklaces-c1 Oh and got myself some waffle bedding from John Lewis, the 400 thread count duvet covers can feel very heavy and I really wanted something with a little texture. It was a tad expensive but it is an absolute joy to climb into bed and it looks so pretty

You're all making good suggestions.

I like the book suggestion. I'm going to order some books. I had a mania for houseplants a while back but I got really anxious about them (eyeroll).

I have a beautiful little dog. DH has just 'ordered' a puppy that we'll get in September. So that will be nice. I miss my guinea pigs but you can't take them camping etc. (Although we did have a memorable night in a hotel with them once ).

I think I'm going to book a hair appointment and maybe get some Botox or something. I'm always doing the 'hard' stuff like dieting and exercise. Maybe a bit of primping will help. I'd like to try a massage but I'd be too embarrassed- maybe one day. Its really hard for me to be alone with strangers, especially in a personal situation.

I've been at 'the coalface' of a serious mental illness for years now. I also have PTSD diagnosed and thats probably why therapy is not comforting, I must say though that it teaches you all the good habits.

I remember when I was younger, I was really good at spoiling myself. I have to get that back a bit.

Thank you very much for spending a bit of time with me! I'm definitely going to give some of these suggestions a try.

One of the things I"ve been trying really, really hard to do is not save things for "best". So light the lovely scented candle, use the expensive bubble bath, wear your nice clothes even if it is just to the supermarket. The "best" time may never come so you'll never get the benefit of those lovely things. But the second best time is here and now and you deserve to have that joy in your life now, not at a future date.