Feeling awful for resenting stepchild

[maximus2018]

I have a daughter (13) and stepdaughter (11) who is with us every other weekend and holidays etc. They are very different, stepdaughter is more jolly, outgoing and independent, whereas my daughter is anxious and definitely a glass half empty child. Having just had a week with both together, I can’t help but feel resentful towards stepdaughter and I feel really guilty about it. She has thrown herself into all activities and been pleasant and polite (most of the time) whereas my daughter has moaned and complained and generally caused the week to be miserable with her behaviour. I know she is incredibly jealous of her stepsister’s ability to be happy and relaxed as she finds it so difficult but she is rude and moody and I find myself resenting my stepdaughter and getting irritated by her easy nature. I just feel so disappointed (and frustrated) that my daughter can’t just enjoy herself and be more like her, and feel like I don’t want to spend anymore time with her than I have to. I know it will cause issues with my partner (and it does already) as it annoys me that I have to tell my daughter off all the time, while his daughter very rarely needs reprimanding. I get frustrated and angry about the situation and then we end up rowing! Any advice on navigating this situation, anyone in the same boat? 😕

OP, firstly comparison is the thief of joy! They are who they are; and you need to square that with yourself somehow.

Secondly has your DD always been like this?

As a teacher there's a world of difference between a 11yo and 13yo, the latter face so much more adversity IME and this has a direct impact on their mood and personality. 11yo's are not quite pre-teen but also haven't shirked their child-like Joy of primary school. If that makes sense.

You know your frustration is misplaced. And to be honest it sounds a bit like she's inherited the glass half empty attitude from you.

You should concentrate on helping your daughter be the happiest version of herself and stop comparing the two.

It isn't your stepdaughters fault that your own daughter is moody and moany, if anything she is a good example to her.

Seems like you're focusing your resentment on the wrong child. Your poor stepdaughter.

Your daughter will pick up on your anxiety and negativity towards her. Lay off and try to enjoy both of them for who they are.

My DD has been this way for a long time and it makes me sad that she feels this way but nothing I do seems to help her. I know my resentment is misplaced, hence my post of feeling guilty, but just feels how it feels at the moment and wondered if anyone had advice.

Poor kids.
What are you doing to help your daughter exactly? It may well not be what she really needs
What's her backstory, her earlier childhood?

Why are you telling your daughter off if she’s just being unhappy?

Just try and stay as upbeat as possible with her and ignore as much as you can (not rudeness).

I’m not telling her off for being unhappy, but she constantly complains and is rude and, as much as we try to ignore it, it is wearing and this is what she gets reprimanded for. It’s a constant battle between ignoring it (so she doesn’t get attention) and getting her to realise that it is not acceptable behaviour. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's a strange situation as your emotional response fits their dispositions being the other way around. Being brutally honest, if your daughter was my step daughter I would find it difficult not to feel frustrated by HER, so I do think it's probably a bit much for your partner you acting as though his daughter is the source of the problem. Is it not more a case of you being jealous of your step daughter, and frustrated at your own daughter, but emotionally not really wanting to admit that?

What Sofa said.

Resenting the pleasant child who gets stuck in and makes life fun is deeply unproductive.

Are you making sure you both do stuff separately with your own daughters when they are both here? Is sounds like 13 year old might see the younger one as the "golden child" so if you spend more time with your own child that might help you feel more warmly towards the other one. I think it's great you can see that it's not right, it means you can try and make sure it doesn't affect DSC.

13 is a really tricky age and you've no idea what the 11 year old will be like at that age.

Your poor step daughter. She sounds lovely. Your resentment is directed the wrong way I'm afraid.

I'd be trying to get the the bottom of why your dc is so unhappy. Is anything like bullying an issue? Is she still adjusting to a new family set up?

Try not to compare the girls.

This is hard. I know someone in exactly the same position, and what I say to them is that each child has different qualities that make them special.

When one child appears to be perfect at everything, the other child can withdraw thinking they are not as good and that's why you get one of them moaning and complaining. They don't know what else to do - they are a child.
It's up to you to bring out the best in your child so they can be their best.

Thanks everyone, and it’s nice to hear that other people do experience this. I’ll keep trying to boost my DD’s confidence so she doesn’t feel she has to compete with SD, and I do explain to her that everyone has things they are good at and those they are not so good at!

I think that her being a stepdaughter is irrelevant. How would you react if they were both yours? Lots of us have got chalk-and-cheese children and it can be a struggle to make sure the sunny, cheerful one isn't favoured over the moody PITA. Cut them both a bit of slack and spend some quality time with the older one so she feels loved and appreciated - it sounds as though your reactions are contributing to her misery as she knows she's falling short. Give your head a wobble and, before you know it, SD will be the moody teen.

I'm struggling to see why you resent a child (who you admit is polite and well behaved). It's not that child's fault your daughter is rude and moody. That child shouldn't be blamed as being the cause of your daughter's behaviour.

You need to work on your daughter's behaviour, have you tried therapy (maybe there's are reason for her being withdrawn), but she should rightfully be reprimanded when misbehaving

Surely it's your own DD you resent, rather than your DSD? It certainly sounds like it from your post. It sounds more as if you are envious of your DSD's sunnier nature, which is entirely understandable.

I agree that while personality does come into it there can be a world of difference between 11 and 13. You may (unfortunately!) find that your DSD is less easy when she reaches your DD's age. Conversely, you may well find that your DD is a lot easier in say 3 years time. I say treat the girls as two entirely separate individuals, avoid comparing them, and remember that it is normal for every child/teen to go through different phases where they are more, or less, easy to be around, and that this will almost certainly be the case for both of yours.