How the heck do you become more assertive?

[SparklesandGold]

I’m a shy person, like really shy. I have no problem calling out people who I’m really close to (my immediate family, DH, DC etc)

But anyone I’m not close to for example, work colleagues, I find extremely difficult to say no and speak out if something is unfair.

How do you become someone who calls out bullshit when they see it?

Do a course? I did one for NHS staff once. It was helpful.

I found online assertiveness training (free, via Google) very helpful
Also did a work module on it, I am NHS too

www.reed.co.uk/courses/assertiveness-and-communication-skills-course/68257

I am so going to look into that course. Thanks everyone!

I was very shy then had a very public breakdown (huge manic episode as bad as it gets - sectioned for 6 months). My mum told me when I was worried every one local knew ( they did) I had to either curl up and hide or realise anyone that anyone worth knowing would be kind and look out for me and anyone rude or horrible was a great not worth caring about their opinion. This I held as steadfast advice. 25 years in I have a great career, loads of friends and am not shy at all. Following that advice changed everything. I no longer have a fuck what people thought and it was very liberating.

Gave not have!

I was lucky enough to have a colleague who was a master, so I watched and learned.

My best advice is pick your battles. Don’t feel the need to call out bullshit if it’s just irritating but doesn’t affect you much.

When it is important, the three really important things are:

1. Stay calm - no shouting, crying etc
2. Don’t get sucked into side issues - stick to your point and ignore all attempts at derailment
3. Accept that people will be annoyed with you for not complying. This is not the end of the world. They’ll get over it and so will you.

Definitely try the courses, op. I might to as am working on this too.

1. Pick your battles as pp said. Most of what people say/do are a reflection on them, not you.
2. But when warranted, don't be afraid to 'show up for yourself'. Calm and reasonable manner that people will respect.

3 Use 'i' statements rather than 'you' statements, eg someone at work asks you to do extra work that you shouldn't really be doing as part of your role: 'I would like to help but i have a lot on my plate right now and, as you know, X isn't part of my role'.

Or personal life, someone suggests something you don't agree with, 'thanks for the suggestion, i will have a think about it'. Not sure if this one is really assertive! But it has helped me avoid conflict sometimes! Or 'thanks for your suggestion but X works for me'.

Find someone who looks assertive to you, listen to the phrases they use and watch their body language.
I find standing tall and loosely folding my arms in front of me helps. It feels protective (to me) and looks like I am a closed book (to the person I am asserting myself against).

My mother showed my sister and I through her actions that she was important. I don't mean that she was unkind or anything, she absolutely wasn't. But we always understood that she mattered as a person and she wasn't bottom of the pile.

I think that helped us both become confident as we grew older. I don't feel that other people are more important than I am or that their opinions count more than mine and I definitely don't have friends or boyfriends who treat me poorly.

I teach KS1 and I do come across children, usually girls, who are already pushed down for want of a better phrase. They already think that what they think or choose to do is less valid than what someone else thinks.

Frame your objections as questions.