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What helped your suicidal friend or partner heal?

13 replies

Nokyo · 12/08/2021 20:32

Just reflecting that I am into my fourth year of having a suicidal husband. He is a properly lovely man but hasn’t had a true period of mental good health in this time. His suicidal ideation has claimed and flared throughout. He has had counselling - at least two types with three different people all of whom seemed a good match. He has done a long course of cbt. There were other counsellors left and not followed up. Been under the community team or crisis team throughout swoooing between the two as circumstances demanded. Seen a psychiatrist, seen lots of other hcps including drs, nurses and psychologists. Had a whole load of different meds. Changed job/not worked/ worked part time etc.

Recently he has been showing signs of emotionally putting his affairs in order and is again in the grip of suicidal feelings and lots of rage at himself. Non of this comes out at us, ever. His ideas for his death have the madness of the suicidal.

We are a good couple, have great kids and often look or maybe even seem for a bit very average-in a good way but this illness swallows up any defences.

I feel less creative than I could be in my solutions. Have been keeping everything together and maybe I am missing something in my day at a time onwards approach. I am fine in the basics so I am calm, non judgmental, cuddly, take pressure where I can but what else has helped anyone you know, or you. I would so appreciate hearing any details or thoughts that could give me some ideas.

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Needapoodle · 12/08/2021 20:36

If his problems are rooted in trauma he might find emdr helpful.

Nokyo · 12/08/2021 20:42

Thanks needspoodle (who doesn’t). His problems don’t stem from trauma though maybe feeling like he has for so long becomes it’s own trauma. I will have a look at emdr.

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Newpuppymummy · 12/08/2021 20:46

No advice but I would say be very aware of looking after your own mental health Have you got anyone to sound off to? Living with a family member who is suicidal is so so tough.

Needapoodle · 12/08/2021 20:48

I agree you need to make sure youre looking after yourself. That's a very very long time for you to be looking after someone who is suicidal.

Nokyo · 12/08/2021 21:13

Have lovely friends and good family so can talk with a good few people knowing they understand. Work are helpful and I have moved location, gained new friends and been promoted. I exercise less than I should but as much as I want. I have very little spare time between work, house, kids and husband but like to be busy so that’s not as awful as it could be for someone who craves more alone/me time. It is hard although I have also got used to it in some ways, learned too live alongside it at least.

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LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 12/08/2021 21:24

As you probably know (hopefully) this is not on you to save him. That isn't possible, only he can do that. Having a mentally unwell husband myself, I have learnt to exert my own boundaries and accept that I can't change a lot of things for him. Medication has helped my husband, as has getting an autism diagnosis to help understand himself more. He can also see that his upbringing as an undiagnosed autistic child with a very regimented, strict, shouty mother who did not adapt to his needs, probably has contributed to his difficulties. I have helped reduce stress for him where I can, taking control of household stuff, admin, children etc. This has helped. However he is who he is and I have found a huge relief in accepting that and deciding that I want to be with him anyway. You don't need to find any 'solutions', and you probably never could. There may well not be any solutions. He is who he is and you just need to be there, and hold onto your own identity too.

Nokyo · 12/08/2021 21:43

Good name LabiaMPF. I recognise what I do in what you describe in fact I could have written your post. I suppose a few weeks ago I would I have written all of it but seeing him in more immediate danger again recently made me reflect on whether my boundaries may have made me too impassive. That maybe there were maybe m other things that might help him not a solution, something much less resolute. I think that change needs to come because unless he finds a calmer place then I don’t think he will be able to stay. I can’t allow that to go unchallenged because of the damage it will wreck on the children. Maybe I have left my boundaries or maybe I need to in case this all ends badly snd I need to know I have it my all. I can be too good at holding onto my identity, onto my needs.

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TrueRefuge · 12/08/2021 21:53

I have never been truly suicidal nor helped anyone who has, though have been through my own traumas and periods of very poor mental health.

Has he ever looked at Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? It is a wonderful approach/modality, based strongly on Buddhist concepts of acceptance, which basically says "Okay these thoughts are here, but they aren't aligned with my values. I don't need to act on them, nor do I need to judge them." As you say he has no trauma (other than the suicidal ideation), I'm wondering whether he - understandably - attaches too much meaning to these thoughts, and could benefit by learning to gradually just 'let them be'. There are some great self-help books out there. I used one for my OCD when I was at a very low point, and it was very comforting and accessible.

I realise you asked for advice for you, so I do hope I'm not overstepping the mark.

It must be so difficult for you (and for him of course). It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. You sound so very supportive. I hope that, in time, things get easier for him, and in turn, for you Flowers

MistySkiesAfterRain · 12/08/2021 22:08

Whenever I've felt low, one of the hard parts has been recognising it and getting help at the time I need it before it gets worse. Whereas when I have sought help at the right time and got it, it has made all the difference. It sounds like he needs to talk to a professional again and get help.

I personally found compassion focused therapy to be helpful. Its learning to have kind conversations with yourself, sort of what would you say to a friend in your shoes type thinking.

Whatflavourjellybabyisnice · 12/08/2021 22:13

You have my compassion, OP, that sounds horrendous.
'I am enough' book by Marissa Peer available on amazon is very good for this. Look her up on YouTube and Instagram, she is extraordinary and gets to the real issue of things.

Nokyo · 12/08/2021 23:57

TrueRefuge thank you for your suggestions. They sound really interesting. Sorry that you have had your struggles too. I am pleased these things have helped you. He has some ocd too and comforting sounds good.

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Nokyo · 13/08/2021 00:00

Yes Misty - I recognise what you are saying and he has failed to get support early enough when things start to become worse. Currently he is under a team and has been for a while so he has had professionals involved for quite some time.

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Nokyo · 13/08/2021 00:01

Thank you also whatflavour dor the recommendation and for the compassion. I will have a look at MP’s book. A promising title.

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