Do you text or buy random gifts like flowers for your (far away) MIL who is lonely?

[PorridgeGoneWrong]

We live very far (8h drive) from my PIL who are in their 70s. We see them at most 2 or 3 times a year for 2-3 days at a time.

She has 2 sons and they talk weekly by phone but only 15 minutes or so. No daughters (and with sons it seems like less of the kind of more intimate talk she might like, anyway my FIL is listening in).

I know my MIL is lonely as my FIL is in his own world and doesn't talk much. It seems to be getting worse. She also has a lot of long standing resentments towards him and lacks the tools to deal with it.

We have never had a very close relationship but she seems to have been sharing much more with me the last 2 visits (especially her troubles with FIL).

After this summer's visit I thought about sending a bunch of flowers to cheer her up. But it feels it would seem interfering or patronizing to send flowers outside of a birthday or other occasion.

I also think about sending her some non judgmental articles, eg on how to cope with loneliness. I don't text her much because I don't want it to seem interfering (again), but she did really share her troubles to me this summer.

Do any of you with slightly distant MILs send random gifts or texts to try to cheer them up, or do you just let them be?

I have sent little parcels if I know my MIL has been down or they have had a difficult month or something. I doubt your MIL will make any big changes in her relationship but probably likes to have someone to sound off too like we all do.
I have sent things like a book and some sweets or chocolate. Just a little cheers up parcel really. I think that sort of thing is nicer than flowers as last longer.

I leave mine alone. She's the kind of person who doesn't appreciate anything so we tend not to bother. I leave DH to deal with her, he knows what she's like so it's no drama, just the way it is.

Yes I would I think that is a lovely gesture. Send something and see how it's received.

Could you stretch to a kindle? That way if you did want to gift her books about anything she wouldn't necessarily have to show her DH what she was reading.

Following as interested foe this for my mil. I have realised how lonely she is

Do you bake? We made posted friendly things, so brownies, rocky Road, fudge etc and sent some to both sets of parents during lockdown. They all seemed happy with them.

If MIL likes flowers then that sounds like a nice thing to do!

No, my mil doesn't appreciate kindness and would see something like that as a criticism.
plus, she's lonely for a reason

I am not in this position as my MIL seems to be pretty happy and has a DD she is close to. But, if it were me who was down and lonely, I would love to receive a present from my DIL! I like the idea of books and sweet treats more than flowers, which can inadvertently seem a bit..funereal or for a sick person maybe, unless they are from a romantic partner. But that might just be me!

@Guineapigbridge

No, my mil doesn't appreciate kindness and would see something like that as a criticism. plus, she's lonely for a reason

Well yes I wonder this about mine

To an elderly relative to who isn't Mil yes we do and she loves it, who is doesn't love surprise flowed and chock

The only comparison I have is my step mum. I have sent her little gifts and she has been absolutely thrilled. Good chocolate, nice jam, cake - oh and a plant.

Mine has been known to keep chocolates and gifts we give her and unashamedly give them back to DH next time he visits! She actually hates getting gifts, they make her feel obliged in some way. She's never grateful, even though we give nice things. Most people kind of pretend to be grateful even if they really aren't, or secretly regift to someone else, but not MIL. She's actively hostile to kindness from others.

I think it would be a lovely idea. It'll ket6her know youre thinking about her. Not my MIL but over the pandemic ive sent each of my close friends a little something just to show them im thinking of them and missing them. This last year has shown me lifes too short and we should tell people they are important to us.

I used to bring my late m.i.l a few bottles of her favourite wine when I visited her as it was a lot cheaper in my home country than the UK.
Flowers on her birthday and mother's Day.
Photos in letters. She loved getting a letter with photos of the kids in it.

We got in to the habit during lockdown of sending my mother in law something in the post.

Things ranged from puzzle and crossword books, cocktail kits, garden ornaments, dvd box sets, jigsaws, books to read, quality chocolates, etc

She is a very reserved person but loved having something to open and really appreciated someone thinking of her.

I think something thoughtful is a great idea.

I discovered that throughout the pandemic, my DD has been sending her 92 yr old great aunt (who lives alone independently two hours from us) and her DGM (who is in a nursing home 3 hours away) regular small packages of chocolate etc. Just so they feel connnected.

Sadly MIL's dementia means she doesn't even know she has DGDs, but she still loves chocolate. And the great aunt has been so touched by the gestures.

So yes, I bet your MIL will really appreciate knowing that you're thinking of her.

I phone my MIL regularly to keep her updated with the kids and even gossip and when I do an online shop I pick treats up that I know that's she and FIL like and can't get in their village shops.
I don't think I'm her favourite person in the world though but DH and I have been together for 18 years and are solid as a rock so I'll not be going anywhere whether she likes me or not.

If she were truly awful I would be NC so in that case I wouldn't do a thing for her.

I think it's a lovely idea

My mil ceased contact with me when I split with her. I get it. Although I don't understand why as at that point her son and I were getting on great. Maybe she didn't ever like me from the start.

Does make me feel sad as she is a nice lady, just cowed by her DH but I'd of treated her and of loved to.

Her son I mean not her

Yes it great idea - I would find a thinly veiled reason too - eg thanks for hosting us, autumn/Harvest, thank you for a present, Easter, advent etc what ever you can come up with (because I wouldn't want anyone to send me flowers because they felt sorry for me for any reason if that makes sense)

I think the flowers sound lovely.

The 'non judgmental' articles on loneliness - GOD NO! Please, really, don't, that could be very cruel. You clearly don't know her well enough, and it could really upset her.

All,
Thank you for all your kind replies & helpful input. It's really nice to read.

She got tears on her eyes when my 9 year daughter looked into her eyes and said 'I love you Grandma' and so I know she really appreciates loving gestures. I think I will post her some of the kids creations.

I will also send some chocolates.

Thanks everyone
xxxx

@cherrypiepie

Yes it great idea - I would find a thinly veiled reason too - eg thanks for hosting us, autumn/Harvest, thank you for a present, Easter, advent etc what ever you can come up with (because I wouldn't want anyone to send me flowers because they felt sorry for me for any reason if that makes sense)

Yes, that was my issues, don't want her to think I feel sorry for her!