Do I go ahead with this investigation or not? (Very triggering for child sexual abuse survivors)

[whattafuckup]

I'm asking here because I can only really talk to DH about this, and we're both very stuck.

So when I was around 6, my mum had left my dad and I, he was a freelancer, and struggled to find child care, so I often ended up at the homes of other children from school. All of them bar one were fine. One family had four children, and while I don't remember much about what happened, I do remember that there was a 'game' they played that involved me and the boy who was in my class (their younger brother) being in a bed, naked, and them telling us to 'play around' before taking the duvet off and taking pictures. I remember they had quite loud, floral curtains that didn't really block out light very well. I seem to vaguely remember telling my dad, and him going round there to knock on their door and say I wouldn't ever be going around there again - I'd ask my dad about it, but he has dementia so a) I don't want to remind him of it if he's forgotten and traumatise him, and b) I don't think his memory's going to be very reliable.

I'd blocked most of this from my memory until another traumatic episode that happened when I was 30 triggered a flashback. I've just buried it down in the deep mud of all the shit from my life, but recently I saw the IICSA survey. Thinking it was just an anonymous data collection survey I filled it in. One policeman rang, then another and another, to see if I wanted to take it further. At each point I've said I'm not sure - a) it was like 40 years ago - what good can come of digging all that up now. b) they're not going to be able to prove much, unless other people have been affected. c) what if I've imagined it all? I would find out that essentially I've convinced myself for 40 years that I was abused and I wasn't. d) what if those kids were either just mucking around or being manipulated by adults to take child porn photos?

The officer who rang today (from the area where it took place) said the next step would be for them to come to me and take a full statement. I said I'd ring him tomorrow with a decision, but I just don't know what to do, and neither does DH. I don't think it's going to do me any good to go through it all, but they said I shouldn't not do it for fear of wasting their time. Any one got any ideas on what the hell I should do?

To be clear, it was the siblings taking photos? How old were they?

Yes, and they were older, seemed like teenagers, as I think they had secondary school uniforms - I must have been between 6 and 8 at the time.

Did you ever see the resulting photographs?

Back then unless they had a dark room the photos would have been sent away to be processed so anything untoward would most likely have been picked up as they used to check them by hand.

um no.. I was 6.

And they weren't from this country so I imagine they weren't for UK 'customers'.

It’s a very personal decision. Sometimes giving a statement can help lay things to rest, or affirm that what happened to you was very wrong. It’s highly unlikely you imagined it given the very specific details you recall about what happened but given your age and the trauma of it, you may find there are gaps in your memory. The police are much more trauma informed in their work so will understand if your memory is patchy.

After this time it may not result in a prosecution or conviction but it builds a picture and may fill in gaps in other enquiries. In saying that it may be difficult for you to dredge up the memories and only you can decide if it’s worth that.

It might help for you to think about what made you complete the survey - it sounds like you wanted your story to be told in some way?

Might you be eligible for some therapy for abuse survivors? That could be a process to help you a. deal with your trauma and b. decide whether or not to make a formal complaint

Thanks for the replies. @jellycatspyjamas - you make a good point about perhaps needing to tell the story - I have previously included mention of this incident (and the later incident which triggered the memory) when I wrote to my MP about the high levels of abusers being policemen, as I felt it was important to include context that incidents incurred by people in positions of power and trust are all too common, so I think that probably I've reached a point in time where perhaps it's trying to come out. I've had therapy in the past @50ShadesOfCatholic, some has been helpful, most of it not so much - but I feel like the 'pond' has had the bottom raked now, so perhaps I should just get on with it, report it, and hopefully that'll be the end of it, and it can 'settle' properly. Hope that makes some sense!

It makes a lot of sense, sometimes the truth just needs to see the light of day.