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Should I contact my brother who lives abroad?

7 replies

KittyScratch · 11/08/2021 21:44

I live at home with my mother. My parents were over 20 years separated. It wasn't even a formal separation. My father just left the family home and there was no legal agreement between them. None of them moved on a divorce in all them years.

Fast forward all these years later and a mess unfolded. My father is in a lot of debt from many different institutions. Because my parents never divorced, my mother and the family home is caught up in all of this mess. Basically she could loose the family home. Not only that if he was to die she's likely to inherit his debts. I don't know what the law is there. This situation unfolded pre covid. She went to get advice from a solicitor and he recommended a divorce to separate herself from him and his debts. She applied for legal assistance and she was assigned a solicitor. They started work on a divorce. She was nearing the end of the divorce and her solicitor advised her of the likely outcome from court and he advised her a judge will likely order the selling of the family home so that the two can release their equity or shares in the property. My mother never wanted that outcome. Without taking any advice from any solicitor, she decided to pull out from the divorce in an effort to try and save the family home. That was last year. She is now back to square one. There's no security in the family home and she is refusing to deal with this situation. She is completely washing her hands of this. She's holding up her hands to me and said there's nothing she can do about it and it's his mess, let him sort it. That's what she said to me.
She's leaving herself in a vulnerable position by doing this. She's also doing somewhat of a 'fuck you' to me by doikg this. I work hard but I can't afford my own home. I can't afford a mortgage and I'm not able to afford the rising rents in my city.

My brother lives abroad. It was him who got our mom in gear to take action against my father's debt (and to go to a solicitor and sort a divorce). He's going to be furious with her apathetic attitude towards their housing.

My mother is an OAP and she's not in a position to buy my father out from his share. My father is approaching retirement age but due to alcohol and smoking addictions his health is very bad and he might as well be a 90 year old man. There is a cocktail of medicines keeping him alive. That's it.

OP posts:
KittyScratch · 11/08/2021 22:46

Bump

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 11/08/2021 22:55

I don't understand why you would hesitate to contact your DB. It seems like he has been helpful previously.
Is there a back story?

KittyScratch · 11/08/2021 23:20

My mom asked me last year not to phone or text him and not to worry him abroad.
I'm sick of the apathetic attitude from her. Any time she sees the solicitors number on the phone, she ignores it and tells me she's too busy to answer it. Her solicitor sent her a letter back in June asking her to phone him. There was a short line to accompany the request to phone him and basically it was to chat about the vulnerable housing situation she is leaving herself in and possibly to steer her towards continuing with the divorce. I suspect what he had to say couldnt be put in a letter to her and he requested for a call. She refused to phone him and instead put a few lines on paper and sent it by mail. There's been no correspondence or communication from him since.

I think my mother is losing her mind. The roof that is over our heads is jot secure and she cares more about getting me to do online shopping for her to buy her more shoes as if she's severely deficit in shoes instead of sorting out the family home. We are inches away to being homeless and her mind is more on shoes.

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newnortherner111 · 12/08/2021 07:07

I think especially as your DB has been involved before, he should be contacted.

bonfireheart · 12/08/2021 08:27

Yes. Esp as not fair on you to take this on all by yourself.

KittyScratch · 12/08/2021 08:42

My mom wants me to buy a new cooker for the kitchen. Our cooker is failing. We are managing but it is failing. I have an opinion that the housing situation should be sorted before I pump money into replacements or any repairs. What I supposed to do later on in the year or next year - carry the cooker on my back to a homeless shelter when my parents make themselves and me homeless?

My mom is now gone into some sort of denial that we will all be ok in the house and that it's my father's mess and let him sort it. I'm sick of this. Its part her mess too. She should have have secured that property a long time ago. The attitude she has taken over this leaves her vulnerable now but she doesn't see it. It leaves me vulnerable too.

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 12/08/2021 08:48

I think it's time to find a way to live independently of your mother. No matter how odd and frustrating the situation, she is entitled to make these choices. If you can't afford rent on a flat you will need to consider a flat/houseshare or a bed sit. Frankly, your quality of live may improve when you are less enmeshed in these issues.

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