Can you help me break this down - children and control

[thelegohooverer]

Ds was flagged in school for high anxiety, on a routine questionnaire, and one of the answers that was deemed concerning was that he had answered the question “how much control do you feel you have over your life” as very low.

There’s a correlation between depression/anxiety and the perception of low control. But while I understand that for adults I’m a bit perplexed about the concept of control for children.

At the time he wanted to quit school, and we were standing firm, so his sense of control over a really large aspect of life was understandably low.

But I’m not sure how much control a ten year old is supposed to feel over their life. There’s a lot of things like bedtimes, and screentime, the necessity of washing or wearing clean clothes that aren’t what he would choose. He has to eat vegetables and only gets pocket money instead of the free use of my credit card in the Lego aisle.

He’s also been very shy about accepting responsibility - he would rather not have a key to the front door to have to mind, or a mobile phone if he has to remember to be polite and answer his nana’s texts, and he doesn’t want his pocket money increased with a book allowance because he’d rather I decide to buy/not books.

The concept of control is something that he’s aware of being significant because it’s been talked about in front of him by the teacher. I don’t know if it would have occurred to him to feel aggrieved.

But at the same time there are things like playing with friends that he finds very challenging, because there are nuances to relationships he doesn’t grasp. So there are things that he doesn’t control that he could reasonably expect to.

And there are things like clothes where I would be happy to accommodate his preference but they’ve stopped making that particular t-shirt.

I want to show him what he does have control over, and also consider where I need to loosen the reins.

So (if you’re still reading) can you tell me what kind of decisions your tweens/young teens have autonomy over? And Where you’re loosening the reins as they get older?

I've got a 10yo (with ASD)
Things like bedtime are fairly compromised. A strict conventional time doesn't work very well with his body clock. If he's struggling to sleep, we frame it as having quiet rest time in his room rather than getting hung up on sleeping at a certain time.

Meals, I'd avoid certain meals like casseroles that he really doesn't like. Some foods that he's not keen on are presented as an option to try it alongside a meal that he generally likes. Quantity is pretty much up to him.

Clothes, he's very sensory and where practical he's free to wear his preferences. Fortunately for now, his uniform is fairly basic and flexible. If there was a particular occasion, he'd be given closed options with an explanation of why.

A 10yo doesn't get a huge amount of control in the big picture, but you can listen to their preferences, give closed choices and pick your battles for things that really matter which does help give them a sense of control in their life.

DS certainly is a child that would struggle with an authoritanian style of parenting and it would lead to a lot of conflicts and meltdowns and does need an apropriate level of choice/ control.

DS had varying levels of autonomy at that age. He had total choice of after-school clubs, could choose own clothes at the weekends, chose own events in sports competitions (he had begun to compete at 9). He had a mobile and began to walk to school and home again (10 minutes, meeting a friend).
Some control: showering at night or in the morning, which fruit in lunchbox, choice of age appropriate books/ audiobooks/ video games.
No control: weekday bedtimes, personal hygiene, school work.
He has SpLD, diagnosed age 10.

Thanks these are great.

There’s a lot of choice within constraints here too. Ds’ idea of having control is being the master of the universe with the power to get rid of gravity so choosing whether to have carrots or cauliflower with his dinner isn’t registering

Dd will be 10 next month.

We decide bedtime, but that really just means "into your room time" - she can then read until whatever time she chooses.

We decide meals, but she decides how much she eats, is free to say what she doesnt like (having tasted it), and we listen and factor that in. My own parents did the "stay at the table til the plate is clear" which I hate.

We decide if the weather necessitates a coat/hat etc but all she has to do is bring it along. We dont force her into it.

We are very lax on screen time - we apply the parental controls and insist no screens in bedrooms/mealtimes, but she is free to use her device whenever she wants for however long she wants. She self regulates very well.

We also do little things which I think come under this:-

• knock and wait to go into her room
• ask "would you like me to help with that?" And wait, rather than just step in
• ask her to suggest days out / meals for the weekly shop / choose what she wants to wear etc