Friend lost a parent what do I say

[BrilliantBetty]

My friend, who is a fairly new friend I don't know her that well yet and haven't met her parents, lost one of them this week. She is very upset. What should I do?
I'd like to show my support and that I care without overstepping.
I live nearby and usually see her every Friday. I know that will be off for the foreseeable but I could drop her round some things, but maybe that's intrusive.
Any advice appreciated.

My dad died in a car accident and one of my friends sent me this card.

It's the only sympathy card I remember as it was such a simple idea but so lovely.

https://www.penny-black.co.uk/products/emf-no-good-card-sorry?variant=37953104183483&currency=GBP&utmmedium=producttsync&utmsource=google&utmmcontent=sagorganic&utmmcampaign=sagorganic&gclid=Cj0KCQjw6s2IBhCnARIsAP8RfAgQkJE17Ukgi9MF0E9GkXHBjwvzn1VW0w3OeSclhfsH2EY9CcMgoaAkCaEALwwwcB

I lost my mum in November.
My friends became a little distant because they didn't know what to say I guess.
I did receive flowers but it would have been nice for them to call in for a cup of tea or whatever.
You won't be able to say anything that will make her feel better. But spending time with her and listening will show you care. Also, make eye contact.
I found so many people would look down or away when talking to me about DM passing.

Some really good ideas here.

If she wants to talk about her parent, just listen and don't worry if it feels awkward. I've found sometimes there's a tricky pause when I mention my mum, and I really appreciate when people just let me talk and don't try to move the conversation on to something less difficult.

If you text her, you could think about starting with "no need to reply, but..." and then whatever you wanted to say. Sometimes it's a bit overwhelming for a grieving person who feels like they have to return messages or thank people, and this way she knows that's not necessary.

I would call her to say how sorry you are and let her talk about it. Often it feels awkward and intrusive to call someone as you don’t think you can really say anything, but it’s so appreciated from the other side. And then send or drop by a gift, she might have lots of flowers and appreciate something edible with a card.

A number of my friends/their partners have lost parents/siblings recently. I didnt always know the family but was able to put a note in the card based on our recent conversations. 1 person had helped their parents move so i was able to refer to their support; another had helped a quite unwell member of the family so again I was able to refer to that help.

A card and flowers maybe? Ask her if she needs anything from the shops?

Keep being her friend. I lost old friends and gained new ones, a silver lining. Life does continue, but be sensitive and acknowledge her loss. The fact you are asking is a great thing . I’m fairly straightforward and found it helpful to talk about it with the few people who didn’t shy away from me. We will all be there at some point.

Listening is more important than talking IME.

And offering to pop round whenever is convenient to her.

When my mum passed i really appreciated cards and people just acknowledging it

Just tell her how sorry you are, ask how things are going and buy a lovely card.

I work with people pre and post bereavement and different people value different things. I’d make an initial contact and feel your way along. A card is generally well received, I certainly valued the cards we received when my Dad died. You sound very thoughtful, you’ll sense what feels right
Echo the suggestion of a listening ear, someone to sit with her and “bear” the pain, if she wishes- it’s hugely valuable. So many people offer platitudes, because they don’t know what to say or do. Sitting with someone in their grief is very powerful
Invite her to talk about her parent, people can be very tiptoe like and not mention the deceased
Offer practical support, like a meal, shopping, help with other practicalities that might feel overwhelming
And offer ongoing support, people so often drift away when the funeral is over, yet the grief goes on

Your friend is lucky to have you

If you usually see her on Friday, acknowledge that it is Friday and you are happy to still meet or come for lunch at yours for change of scene. And also say ok if she doesn't want to or has things to do, can wait until she is ready. Don't distance yourself

If you can get a Sorry for your Lose card and put "thinking of you and your family at this sad time, love BrilliantBetty " to give her

But also say to her 'I don't know what to say, its a very sad . I hope you are ok, let me know if you want to sit quietly, to talk silly nothings as a distraction or for me to sit and listen'

Whatever you do, please don't say "When I lost my mum, dad, Grandma, Aunt, Dog ..." or anything that makes it about you. People think it helps. It doesn't

(It gave me the RAGE when my sister died , the amount of people that piled their losses onto me the first time they saw me afterwards when I couldn't even breathe for shock . Some even sat crying about their own loss several years beforehand. It's not the same, even if you've both lost a mum as they were different people. )

It should all be listening, cups of tea and all about the person that's just died. Sometimes people just want to talk about nothing. Acknowledge the loss but it's ok to take your lead from them. If they chatter about nothing and silly things it may be they want a tiny bit of light relief.

I think if you usually see her on a Friday you should ask her if she still wants to do something, if you usually go for lunch see if she maybe just wants a quiet coffee, just something low key. Don't just assume she won't want to see you. Maybe she will really want to go for a walk for half an hour or something.

You’ve had some lovely responses here. I agree with not necessarily changing the normal schedule, let her change it if she wants to or she might be really holding onto the thought of doing something ‘normal’ like seeing a friend and you’ve taken that away too. Everyone needs a break from talking/thinking about it. Just say you’re here for her and whatever she wants to do is fine by you. Then follow through. I completely agree that you get overflowed with lovely wishes and messages initially but when reality finally hits, the messages have stopped and the darkness comes.
Just keep checking in and you’re doing a fab job.
There are no good words to say, so just sit with her.

Thank you for all the helpful advice. I went over, was popping the card through the letterbox but she must have heard it and opened the door. She was in her nightie but we had a big hug on the doorstep and I said how sorry I was for her loss and I will be here, only round the corner any time that she wants to talk or distraction or anything picking up from Sainsbury's. I think it was ok. I tried really hard to not be awkward, keep eye contact and the things suggested. And as advised i'll be sure to check in and see how she is coping with it over the weeks and months ahead. Really appreciate the time taken to reply to me here

She may still want to meet up as you usually do on Fridays.

I went to a pub quiz with my siblings after the funeral (same evening) because, why not?

When my mum died, one of the most helpful things a dear friend did for me was a big shop for food and drink I could put out with people coming to the house. Left on the doorstop was wine, soda water/soft drinks, cheeses, chips, dips, biscuits, tea, etc. Total surprise and took the pressure off.

Just on providing cooked food, lovely idea but we ended up having to throw most of the food away.

The other big help was the day of the funeral, 3 very close friends of mine offered to organise the wake. They left the funeral and went straight to my house to let in the caterers and get everything set up. World of difference not having to think about logistics on the day.

About offering support, this is a hard on as everyone grieves differently. My only advice is try not to put the work on your friend; instead of let me know if you want to catch up, try I'm going to x cafe on x date at x time, I would love to shout you a coffee if you feel up for it.

And finally, try not to be awkward when your friend mentions their name, and make sure you feel ok in saying their name. It sucks when people get weird.

I would absolutely drop a dish of something easy and freezeable like lasagne around. Text to say you're coming at XX time, if she wants company to let you know, otherwise you'll let her know when its left on the doorstep. That way the ball is in her court if she wants company or not, but you've done something to show you care, and something helpful.

Be there for her if she needs any help. People whose loved one had just passed away may be at loss themselves and there are lots of things to be done (funeral preparations, papers to take care of etc). Don't be pushy, just let her know you'll be there for whatever help she may need. When one of my friends lost his grandma last year our group took care of all the cleaning and cooking in his house and helped with basic ceremony arrangements (timing, memorial Smartshow 3d video, flowers delivery and other things). There is a lot to be done and it's nice when there is somebody willing to take some weight off your shoulders when you are trying to digest the loss of a family member itself.

I know you have seen her already so you have broken the ice but food and letters sustained us in the first week or so after dad died.

We had loads of cards but the ones we remember are the ones that made us cry when they talked about their memories of my dad.

This might be a Scottish thing, but I would take round some soup (ideally lentil ). That's what everyone seems to do here, and it always gets eaten, as does a loaf cake (fruit or Madeira or lemon drizzle). In my community, people turn up at the door all the time when you've had a loss, so it is something to give them with a cup of tea,