Friend lost a parent what do I say

[BrilliantBetty]

My friend, who is a fairly new friend I don't know her that well yet and haven't met her parents, lost one of them this week. She is very upset. What should I do?
I'd like to show my support and that I care without overstepping.
I live nearby and usually see her every Friday. I know that will be off for the foreseeable but I could drop her round some things, but maybe that's intrusive.
Any advice appreciated.

Most importantly, say something, and don't shy away from the topic when you're back seeing her.

It might be nice to send something, personally I like flowers although some people hate them. If you know what she likes you could drop over some chocolates or a cake.

Basically, don't overthink it, just acknowledge it. Too many people are afraid of saying the wrong thing and say nothing

She'll appreciate some things, just be there for her.

I'd say don't assume she doesn't want to see you. She might appreciate spending some time with you, having a shoulder to cry on etc. Maybe just go for a walk or invite her round for coffees or something low key?

So many people say and do nothing, not because they don't care, but because they don't know what to say.

You sound like a good friend.

Oh and I'm sure she will appreciate you taking her something. People have mixed views on flowers (because ultimately they die too and it's another thing to deal with). A cake or a meal is nice, if she doesn't feel like cooking.

Definitely acknowledge it.
Flowers or cake can help “break the ice”.
Offer to walk the dog/pick up some shopping etc

But acknowledge it.

The night before DDad’s funeral DM sat at the kitchen table and said “Richard*. His name was Richard. I wish people would use it”.

• Not his real name.

My mum died in December and the nicest thing any friend did was to make a lasagne and bring it over in one of those disposable tin foil trays. It meant we could eat something home cooked and not have to think about food prep or washing up. That meant an awful lot.

Flowers are nice but we ended up looking like a funeral parlour and ran out of vases!

Flowers or a card are nice, just anything thoughtful will be appreciated.

Also, if you feel it appropriate an offer of help or practical support, just say your so sorry for their loss and you are there for them

Simply that you're very sorry to hear of her loss. A card or a plant on the doorstep if she's not ready the talk yet

I would pop round with a card, with a nice message in it saying you are thinking of her and mum/dad (the surviving parent). I would take a little gift - a plant might be better than flowers, and homemade cake or biscuits are nice because you often don't feel like eating when you are grieving and a treat might be more tempting.
Ask if you can do anything to help - and make some concrete suggestions - grocery shopping, lifts to and from various places (there will be various admin tasks, trips to undertakers etc etc) as she may not feel like driving herself. That sort of thing. Often people say 'If I can do anything just ask' - but it is difficult to ask, if you suggest actual helpful things it may be easier for her.
And as a PP has said don't be afraid to mention her parent, the most awful thing after a death in the family is suddenly feeling like they never existed because no one will mention them.

hi @BrilliantBetty I lost my dad a couple of weeks back, it was nice to hear from friends, i would have loved it if one of them dropped by, they all live quite far away unfortunately. There were and still are times i feel alone and sad and a simple message just to ask how i am really helps.

I would just put a sympathy card through the door, some people don't want to be bothered in any way , after losing a family member. I would not like flowers for myself, or any food etc. My Sister died last year, and I spent time writing letters to her nearest and dearest, who always like my letters. which can be kept as memories too.

When my dad died during the first lockdown I couldn’t see my friends but some of them turned up with flowers and home cooked meals and left them on my step. I was so grateful, it meant I could feed my kids without trying to muster the energy. I didn’t eat for a good while after, I just felt sick. If she had a family, food is a good shout. It was a weight off knowing I had easy healthy meals for my kids.
As for knowing what to say, some people wrote nice things about my dad and others didn’t know what to say. So they said ‘I don’t know what to say to make things better. There are no words but know we are here for you and love you’. It meant the world.
Check in on her, text and just say you don’t need a reply but you are thinking of her.

No to flowers or food but a nice hand written card offering sympathy and telling her that you are there to offer any support.

As well seeing how she is now ask specifically how she is coping in a month, three months, six months time. I found, when I lost a parent, people we good at asking initially, it was sudden and unexpected so we were shocked. But no one really ever asked down the line. It doesn’t affect you every day but it does affect you in waves for a long time afterwards and it felt like no friends acknowledged that.

I wouldn’t give anything other than a card. For me it would have come under the heading of “stuff that I don’t have the mental energy to know what to do with.”

Knowing that you’re there to talk to is important. And I agree with checking in months down the line- my DM died suddenly which has taken me quite a while to process.

I'd send a card and maybe a just eat/ takeaway voucher. I did this when my friend lost both her parents in an accident because I knew she wouldn't want to cook/do the washing up but she needed to eat.

My friend who lost his wife said he appreciated people dropping food off at the doorstep, it meant he could feed his family without having to think about it. Maybe a fresh ready meal which she can freeze if they already have enough food in? And a note expressing your sympathy. You sound like a lovely caring friend

I generally just go with a text "Terribly sorry to hear about xxx. Hope you're doing OK. I'm around if you fancy a chat" and then follow it up about it 10 minutes later with "I've got a spare chilli in the freezer if you want it"

And then I have to go and make a chilli because I lied completely and they always want the chilli.

Gives me an excuse to pop round and give them a hug through. At which point I'll leave them be until the funeral unless they give me a shout first

I'd text to say that you are available to chat, rant, cry whatever she needs, then ask if she'd like some food. Ready meal or something that requires very little effort to cook or reheat. Comfort food like cottage pie. A pal of mine made me food when I was going through a horrendous time and it was so lovely to be looked after.

Sorry for your loss is enough. I felt incredibly weird about receiving cards and gifts after my mum died, I feel those things are for celebrations not for a death.

I would make a nice one-dish meal to take round (enough for the family and whoever she lives with), as she may not have the brainspace to cook.

As others have said, acknowledge it, nudge gently but don't push. It might be early days to talk about it, but just be there for her as she needs you.

It's lovely of you to be so considerate.

When I lost my mum then I really appreciated having friends over who would let me talk about her or have a cry. My sister did not want to talk to anyone but found comfort in one her friends just acknowledging it was shit and left her to speak about it in her own time.

Not flowers. And don’t say ‘I can’t imagine how you feel’.
Acknowledge what’s happened and tell her how sorry you are, and that you’re there for her. Offer to help with specific things (not ‘let me know how I can help). Cake and a chat about other things is often a nice comfort too (after the above).

We lost DH's Mum at the weekend, totally unexpected. The most important thing is to not shy away from offering your condolences it's really important, even if it feels awkward. Some friends had flowers & take out Chinese delivered to our home which was very much appreciated, as no cooking or loading the dishwasher afterwards.