Hello.
I have two children, one age 5 and one age 3. 5 year old has autism (which is relevant because this is about behaviour) but generally you wouldn't know outside of home if you didn't know her. She's an excellent masker, speaks amazingly and is very academically advanced but she struggles massively with being overwhelmed/sensory processing etc. She does know how to behave though! I'm a sahm and a parent carer.
Anyway obvs it's the school holidays (our first one). My two have been an absolute nightmare behaviour wise. First week I put it down to the eldest having a change in routine and I do think it was partially that - even though she struggles at school (she has 1-1 support still of the time) not going is such a change it affects her.
BUT. And this is the weird bit. They are only misbehaving when both DH and I are at home, and we're in our house. If we go to the grandparents - either set - (or take them there for an afternoon and leave them there!) they behave perfectly, or out and about. If I go out like I did at the weekend the other week, they're great for DH. If he goes into the office they're great for me.
Problem is, we are all home quite a bit. DH works from home, currently, though he can book into the office whenever he wants. We do go out a couple of times a week but eldest DD can't manage more than that, if we do we pay for it in meltdowns and it's so distressing for her. Even on the days we stay home I always get them outside for a good long walk or play at the park which is fine as we live in a village and it's very quiet.
When I say they misbehave, I mean both of them. My only just three year old is stroppy, rude (and yes, she does understand!) and tantrum throwing. She started hitting me and throwing things when I tell her off. The five year old never hits unless she's in meltdown but she's backchatty, and literally will not listen to a word I say. Neither of them do. The only thing that stops them when they start running riot is to make them sit separately on their beds.
Ive tried being very firm and stern. Changing tones of voice. Raising my voice (they laugh!). They ignore me. I've tried consequences , confiscating toys, naughty steps. Ive tried positive things like rewards charts and marble jars (where they earn a marble for good behaviour and lost one for bad and at the end of the week they get a treat if the jar is full). If they misbehaved out of home I'd bring them straight back but they don't and the only do it when both DH and I are here!
I know the difference between when my eldest is having a difficulty with her autism or feeling overwhelmed and 'acting out' as a result - this isn't that. I adjust for that, always with different strategies. This is outright naughtiness from them both, winding each other up, behaving wildly and to be honest I'm at my wits end and so is DH. DH has also tried all of the same things, different ways, same ways. They also ignore him.
They've never been like this before and generally they aren't badly behaved children! I'm not a soft parent I have to have a real handle on behaviour and environment because of how my eldest is. I've also been on about a million (feels like) courses about autism, parenting a child with it, challenging behaviour etc etc. So I'm not clueless. But it certainly feels like it right now!!
Any suggestions? I know generally 3 year olds are arses, but mine seems turbocharged! When she's not misbehaving she's the funniest, most affectionate little light of my life ever. But wow she's testing me and along with her sister.... well!