How did childhood bullying affect you?

[Pineapplepizza83]

I ask this as i was bullied pretty horrifically throughout school and as a result I developed PTSD and pretty bad social anxiety. I have come a long way since I began therapy, but I think a part of me will always find it hard to trust people. I also find it difficult to form sincere friendships and tend to be a people pleaser which I'm working on. If you were bullied, how does it affect you as an adult? Are there things you find have helped you to cope?

I have a smallish facial disfigurement. I might as well have had a second head. I was bullied very very badly throughout primary and was a loner through most of secondary. I’m a very self conscious person and obsess over my appearance. Have spent a lot of money trying to physically ‘fix’ everything that I see being wrong in my appearance.

I had some awful bullying in primary, and secondary was a lot of exclusion, low level taking the piss out of me. Early on a school trip one girl told me that I should just leave them all alone and no one liked me. Went to walk up to a group at the school disco and got told there was no room (bollocks was there, they were all chilling out sat on the floor in a massive hall!). It was only after 2 boys threw all my stuff into the aisle of the bus on another trip because they wanted my seat (and the teachers joined in with everyone telling me not to cause a fuss) that I gave up trying to impress everyone and not give a shit. I was short with a lot of puppy fat so no interest from boys.

Uni started ok for a while but by the end of it I could go a whole day without anyone talking to me, I was viewed as a bit of a weirdo. Went to a christmas do for my year, no one talked to me then either. I hid in the loo texting my friends back in my hometown then went home to my boyfriend (I actually had them then!) pretending I had a great time, as not to be a total loser.

Anyway, I can't really handle groups of new people. I can't do small talk, feel like no one really likes me, or that I'm not very interesting. So I clam up, hence 'she's quiet' which turns to 'weirdo' in time. It's all bullshit, I'm a nice person. The friends I do have would say I'm extremely loyal and would do anything for them, which is true. I'm also the funny one.

DH can small talk no problem and has the gift of it being very natural and making people feel at ease.

Completely ostracised by the large 'in group' at Primary School. Used to wander the playground at break times and lunch times by myself. Came to a head when I was chased home while being called a slag for wearing a 'too short' skirt. Didn't realise until years later that it wasn't just me being completely left out - met someone else from the class as an adult who had experienced the same thing and had been as lonely as me.

It's affected me in a few ways - made me distrustful of friendships, wary of people's intentions and with not one good memory of Primary School. It also makes me wonder how on earth the teachers didn't notice or do anything.

It also makes me really angry when I see people insisting that bullies always have issues which make them bully. No. They don't. There can be a group mentality in which it becomes acceptable to shun or bully those who don't fit into that group. And I'm sure they will still justify it to themselves now.

@Givemebackmylilo

Befriended by my 'best friend' of 10 years who this incessantly bullied me.

I now struggle to make friends, have massive social anxiety and keep my distance from everyone. Absolutely no trust.

Maybe we should all form a little group?!

Me too.

I think having a 'friend' be the one to turn on me and bully me (for no reason other than to impress their new friends) makes it worse. As an adult, I struggle hugely with friends have only really have one.

I don't trust people and even keep my in-laws at arms length.

Eating disorder- started off not eating as bullied for being chunky at age 11

Now 42 and have been anorexic, bulimic, binge eater at various points. Now settled into just being controlling about food and exercise via recording every calorie and macro on my fitness pal and exercise on Fitbit. I can't not do it

I can't imagine life without the first and last thought of every day being about what I'm going to eat , what I've eaten , when I'm next eating , the fat parts I need to work on . I'm sure I could have achieved so much more in life if I didn't have to allocate so much brain space to food / exercise/ body .

All from a six month sustained period of at school bullying from a group of 4 girls

In my head I will always be the weirdo. I don’t have friends. I would say it has even affected my choice of partner. I’m always going over what I say and I’m often left feeling that people see me and want to run. How do you do chit chat? What do you say? I have no clue. I feel sorry for my children more than anything it’s my social inabilities that have led to them rarely being asked on a play date and I can count on one hand how many parties they have been too. Quite frankly I hate myself for it. I’m bloody 40 and therefore left school 22 years ago and should be over it. My eldest is starting secondary this September and even though it’s a different school, a different time and he is thank god like his father I still feel sick and scared history will repeat.

I was bullied not by other children but by a teacher.

I wont go into details but she bullied me into admitting something I had not done. The shiny innocence of childhood died that afternoon. I learned that it is not always the truth tellers who prosper, but often the clever liars. As a result I had a sort of mini breakdown from which I emerged a stronger, harder and much more cynical person.

When I went up to secondary school there was a second year boy who used to bully my friends and I. Typical stuff - hair pulling, poking and name calling. When I whinged to my parents my father took me out into the garden every night for a week and taught me how to box. I was black and blue but had learned how to punch. Next time the boy picked on me I want straight for the nose and broke it. Thereafter I was the kid who broke GB's nose and no one messed with me in the school yard.

In class the maths teacher always seemed to pick on me, although I was no where near the bottom of the group. Probably about the middle of the bunch in terms of ability. One day when I was 14 he put his hand on my chest and remarked that I was "a big girl". I knocked it away and told him that if he ever picked on me in class again I would tell on him. Not only did her not pick on me again I don't think her ever addressed me one to one again.

Being bullied by a teacher taught me that I too had power, and how to use it.

Empathy in bundles here OP I was bullied by my sister as a child and all through my adult life. Ignored by parents, condoned by siblings.

People pleaser too,I don't think people really like me that much or I imagine slights which send my anxiety spiralling. Very low self esteem. Ive had friends who exploited this vulnerability and have been badly hurt by then too. I'm learning about boundaries - I never had any and I'm ashamed at how my sister used to manipulate me into thinking I had a problem with her.

I'm toying with posting about her here as I still need validation that I'm allowed to feel crap about it all.

The thing with bullying in childhood is we don't have the tools to deal with it and if the adults don't step up it's a life sentence, which so many of us are saying here.

I was bullied as a child. I now have no friends and when I have 'friends' they are superficial and go no further. I also push people away and sabotage any potential friends. I am really lonely and depressed and don't know how long I can go on for

I was horrifically bullied from age 9, I hoped when I moved to secondary school that I would be putbin a class away from my bullies, no such luck. The bullying started when I changed junior schools as we had moved house, it was mainly verbal bullying at first, the odd slap or kick, the final year before we moved up one of the girls godmother was our teacher, the girl told me that she had heard her godmother talk about the fact that my parents weren't fit to look after me & I was going to be taken in to care, I was terrified every time someone knocked on the door, my parents were good parents but it didn't stop the 10 year old me from being scared to death. When we got to secondary school the same girls carried on bullying me, they were the popular ones & quickly gathered more members, I was regularly pushed, kicked, punched, I had my belongings taken off me & destroyed, I was even kicked down 3 flights of stairs when changing lessons. My parents went up to school several times & were assured that everything was confidential, my bullies would not be told who had complained & then the teachers told the bullies who had complained & they took it out on me even more. I was a very timid, quiet girl, if it hadn't been for the bullying I would have loved school but because of the bullying I hated it & began to truant, I would rather wander the streets in the cold & pouring rain than be at school being subjected to the bullying. It still affects me now almost 40 years afterwards, I still have nightmares & am terrified of anyone who appears threatening or aggressive.

MrsPear I'm the same, I was diagnosed with Autism two years ago & in some ways it has helped me realise that I'm not the awful waste of space I had convinced myself I was. I still have very little confidence & still prefer to hide myself away, I have always been a loner & probably always will.

All the way through primary and secondary. Mostly because of a disability I have. The worst thing about it was that the disability was never spoken of at home. I just had "there's nothing wrong with you". It's still like a family secret. I can't even tell my husband or say it out loud.

I still think about my bullies most days. There are parts of the town where I don't want to go in case I bump into one of them. I left school 28 years ago.

I found it hard when my kids were at high school age and at that teenager nasty phase... I felt like I was being bullied all over again.
I also got bullied in work. I sometimes think people dislike someone who has a disability acting normal and succeeding at things. Even though I have never told anyone what's wrong with me.

I was bullied in secondary school and now at 33 it still upsets me a lot. It was by a group of "friends" and for a long period they'd talk about this girl who they knew outside of school and rip her apart and get me to agree to what they were saying and get me to say things like "so and so is so ugly" and other things. I then found out from an external source that it was me. Other things went on but that the thing that sticks in my mind the most still.

I now have extreme social anxiety, always feel like I'm being judged, find it hard to trust people, don't have a group of friends.

This is all heartbreaking.

I wasn’t bullied in school but by the person who I thought was my best friend in my 20s. She belittled me, scapegoated me and badmouthed me behind my back, something I always suspected had been going on due then way others treated me too - I eventually caught her in the act and our friendship finally ended…I honestly don’t know why she did it, it was obviously her problem not mine as according to her I had numerous flaws yet she was happy to continue to be friends with me . I also knew her vaguely as a child and she massively lacked confidence, was completely different as a young adult though so think it was some kind of jealousy and needing to have the upper hand.

I don’t have many friends now, I tend to keep a distance and massively lack confidence when it comes to making new friends.

I feel like she’s transferred all her confidence issues onto me now

I recognise the “type” as an adult.
In the work place, school playground at drop off/pick up, in life in general I can sniff them out at 100 yards.

It has hardened me and made me completely intolerant of any one I class as an arsehole or who shows a tiny bit of cuntish behaviour towards another person or myself.

The end.

I have few trusted snd carefully chosen friends around me.
I have no time for anyone else.

I recognise the “type” as an adult.
In the work place, school playground at drop off/pick up, in life in general I can sniff them out at 100 yards.

Couldn't agree with this more. It's like I have a special radar for those I know deep down aren't very nice 😅

I never feel safe, I trust nobody and I have no friends. Beyond being civil and polite when people speak to me I don't push for anything more or offer up any giveaway information about myself in case it is somehow used to somehow shame me further down the line. I'd had this before in my teenage years when I thought I had "friends" like excerpts from my diary being recounted to a laughing group.

I'm happy WFH and am a bit of a recluse. I don't really want to be "out there" again as I'm hyper aware of my neurodivergence related awkwardness and don't want to draw unwanted attention to myself.

Constantly feel self conscious, insecure, depressed and anxious. Seen councillors when i was younger but they just kept trying to fob me off then I grew up and was bullied at work too! And yet I’m the most quiet, timid, unassuming person you’ve ever met, so god knows what I’ve done to deserve it.

Reading everyone's replies I just want to give everyone a great big hug, we have all been through so much

It made me a bit of a hard arse.
This was the 1970’s and 1980’s, people were openly racist towards me.

All I can say if I lived up to the stereotype of Asian nerd and went on to have a very successful career. I was in my hometown a few years ago and I saw one of the worst bullies. I know it may seem petty but she was looking like crap and pushing around what I thought were her twins in a double buggy. It then became apparent that she was their Grandmother, we were still not 40. DS was about 5 at the time.

I find it easy to say no and do not tolerate shit behaviour at all.

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

I was badly bullied in secondary school. It was a time when school's didn't care, even though both my parents went up, they were told that I needed to toughen up and prepare for the real world. I was taken out of school and I started working full time. It was a huge relief.

I was and still am badly affected by it all. Therapy didn't help it just made me relive each and every second of suffering I experienced.

It was very long ago but I did see one of my bullies online protesting about bullying, I nearly vomited, I was in foul humour for days, thinking what she put me through. People would say things like, she obviously regrets what she did and is making ammends, but that doesn't help me. her and her cronies never apologised for the torment and trauma they put me through.

I don't let people get close to me now, never have after that, always a fear of people not liking me, always questioning what I've said in case I've upset someone.

Unfortunately for me it never got easier, I still have the scars physically and mentally. They are all still friends as I see them on social media at big events in their lives and out and about. They ended up having over 30 years of friendship, they were my good, close friends when they turned on me for no reason at all. I do not miss them, but I missed out on so much because of them, like debs /prom, reunions, etc

Givemebackmylilo and imagjneghemdragons same but sometimes it’s awkward. DH sister is a massive bully. She bullies MIL and tried to bully me. The only reason DH and I ever argue is really over his sister. I stood up to her, it’s a very complex long story that spans over 23 years. She is just bloody horrible.

I had a terrible time and left with no qualifications at 14. (I'm 42 now) DD5 and DS8 have came home with broken wrists,black eyes, front teeth scarred with blunt force trauma and head injuries. I tried very hard to work with the teachers to improve things.

But DS said to me "I want to die" and I realised I couldnt stop these things from happening. He had been strangled punched and spat at. Again, this was from a young boy of 5yrs onwards.

So I decided to home school instead. I'm sick of hearing people talk about socialisation. They wouldn't say that if the saw DS punching himself in the head at 6 yrs old. I have never regretted my decision and they will go to college at 14 to do their GCSEs.

Started in secondary school with how ugly I was and my lack of boobs. I remember sitting in one English lesson where they made up an entire song about me which the teacher just ignored. Even if I did say anything the teachers didnt believe my version against 10 people telling a different version. I spent every lunch time walking home and back only because it took the entire lunch time and I had nothing else to do.
They ruined my chances at school I was always really good and got high Mark's but then it went downhill and I could never catch up.
I think it impacted my working life as I was bullied at work too. Outside my family I only speak to 3 other people who I consider friends. Its lonely and I feel like I have a lot to give in friendships but I cant take they chance again of being hurt, humiliated and let down.

Hadn't seen my school bully for about 25 years then went to the zoo with my dd and heard her unforgettable voice....couldn't see her but knew it was her instantly it was like nails down a blackboard .
Nasty cow she was but actually when we got talking l felt a sense of satisfaction knowing she couldn't hurt me any more.