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Original poster

Assaulted by a family member. WWYD?

21 replies

MumbleCrumbs · 09/08/2021 18:06

This particular family member and I have always had a complicated relationship. They were addicted to drugs for a very long time and they were a relative stranger to me in my teens. Since lockdown I had been making more of an effort with them as I realised that life is too short to have resentments and so we had been spending more time together, they seemed to be doing well and things were going really good between us.
However this weekend I went for a drink with them and things got really out of hand. It was my first night out in eighteen months so I probably did drink more than I would have normally, but I realised they were doing drugs and I commented negatively on it. This led to an all out altercation in the bathroom of her home with her cornering me and not letting me leave, telling me I don't deserve my DH and DC's, that I think I'm better than them, and when I started getting panicky and upset and crying, they laughed in my face and told me I was pathetic. They shoved me and I banged the back of my head on a cabinet. They then denied doing it as soon as it happened.
My family has always been a little dramatic and over the top and I had always managed to shield my DC's from the worst of it. But this time they have gone too far and I don't know what to do. I keep crying and getting upset about it and having flashbacks.
I know I will be encouraged to "drop it" and not "make it a big deal" because they had been drinking but I feel like this time is just a line crossed and I feel like I never want to see them again. It would break the DC's hearts though and I think I would come out looking like the bad guy because they have said it was a drunken family row, but it really felt like more than that. I felt unsafe and scared and vulnerable and really felt like they intended to hurt me.
I had been shielding and dealing with agoraphobia too and I feel really, really unsettled and upset and don't know how to cope with it.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 09/08/2021 18:10

If I had any texts confirming it happened by her I'd report it to the police.

If not I'd never see her again, ever - block on every medium. Tell every family member why and that you didn't want to hear about her any more. Then I'd see a therapist.

Original poster

MumbleCrumbs · 09/08/2021 18:13

No texts confirming it, just conversations where they have dismissed and diminished what happened. I don't think getting the police involved is an option really, for several reasons.
I think I just needed to vent as I have been bottling it all up for days.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumbleCrumbs · 09/08/2021 18:15

It's just so unlike anything I have ever had to deal with before. I live a really quiet life with the DC's and almost never go anywhere and am the least confrontational person you could ever meet. I still feel really shocked.

OP posts:

54321nought · 09/08/2021 18:15

report to the police if you have any evidence.

Block and delete from your life if you dont

AbsolutelyPatsy · 09/08/2021 18:15

you dont have to decide what to do at all op.
take each day as it comes.
put a break on the relationship but dont write it off

SeasonFinale · 09/08/2021 18:17

Go no contact . Tell people the truth about what happened. I assume the family knows what she is like and are therefore more likely to believe you. If not then go low contact with them too.

KaptainKaveman · 09/08/2021 18:18

OP you need to protect yourself and your dc from people like this. Maintaining a relationship with a drug addled person is never ever going to bring happiness.

LynetteScavo · 09/08/2021 18:19

It won't break your DCs hearts if you just quietly avoid contact with this person It would be more harmful to the m see this person act like this.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 09/08/2021 18:21

If you feel that you can’t block them, I would slowly disengage and step back. Be unavailable if the suggest nights out, be too busy to go round or host them. Don’t confront, fade away without the drama. Nod and smile and respond ‘I’ll let you know’

Original poster

MumbleCrumbs · 09/08/2021 18:31

It's just so hard. We are such a small family with all of our extended members living abroad and I know it would end up being all my fault for causing a rift.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2021 18:38

I am also from a small family. I am nc with my sibling for my physical protection. It’s all my fault, of course lol. My safety comes first. So should yours.

If nc is too difficult right now, I would just keep vaguely in contact and not meet up with them apart from family functions eg weddings and funerals. Then keep interactions to a minimum.

stepupandbecounted · 09/08/2021 18:59

Op this is pretty serious, and you seem very upset by it even well after the event.

I would be stopping contact to christmas cards only. You can't have someone on drugs and so volatile anywhere near your children, and they sound deeply resentful and jealous of your family life. I would not and could not trust them again.

You do not need to say anything to anyone. You simply become too busy to see them anymore, and if someone asks tell them family life is full on and you have no free time. Minimise or take out the extended family drama, do not get drawn.

Your family member will know why you are no longer in their life, but quite honestly what can they expect? They are a danger to themselves and a danger to you.

Enjoy your small family unit, keep yourself safe and keep them out of your life from now on. You gave them a chance, and they assaulted you, next time it could be worse. It could even involve your child. Lesson learned, take this lesson and invest time in a strong network of friends instead.

Newestname001 · 10/08/2021 14:59

@MumbleCrumbs

Another voice saying back away from this person, be as unavailable both physically and otherwise to them as you can, and keep your children away from them.

Also, if you've not already told your husband then please, do. Hopefully he's not one of those trying to minimise the incident, but someone who can provide support to you? 🌹

TopoTip · 10/08/2021 15:10

You're never going to feel safe or comfortable
with this person again now, so the relationship has already changed. You can back off slowly and just be busy. No drama and the kids wont realise.

I'm sorry you had this experience though. I have a family member who can be volatile when drinking and after putting up with it too many times and giving her the benefit of the doubt, I no longer put myself in that position. I didn't tell her or anyone else in the family what I was doing, just made my decision and weighed up each meeting according to how comfortable I felt about it.

Magnolia101 · 10/08/2021 15:11

I grew up in what seems a similar dynamic. I also got assaulted and went no contact Wyre the person who assaulted me/minimal contact with the others from then onwards. I can’t lie, it’s awkward/difficult at times (more so explaining to people why I don’t see so & so…), but life is better and I’m far less stressed without these people in my life, they caused me a lot of grief for a very long time. I will explain all to my children when they’re old enough to understand. That’s probably the bit that hurts the most, that my children don’t have ‘normal’ relationships with family members, but it’s for their safety & their/my sanity!

Justilou1 · 10/08/2021 15:26

Same.. a lifetime of having my physical and emotional safety minimised to try and cover up the truth (as well as money, jewellery stolen and car “borrowed” and crashed.). Knives held at throat, furniture broken. Otherwise, I drove him to it because I’m crazy. Never occurred to me that the extended family might know exactly what he was like or that perhaps they would believe me, so I didn’t try talking to anyone until I was well and truly an adult. There is no reason to tolerate anyone who doesn’t value you enough to protect you.

atlastifoundit · 10/08/2021 15:32

@MumbleCrumbs

It's just so hard. We are such a small family with all of our extended members living abroad and I know it would end up being all my fault for causing a rift.

They might say it's your fault, but you know it isn't and that's the important bit.

GertietheGherkin · 10/08/2021 15:40

@stepupandbecounted

Op this is pretty serious, and you seem very upset by it even well after the event.

Your family member will know why you are no longer in their life, but quite honestly what can they expect? They are a danger to themselves and a danger to you.

This is fantastic advice. I wholeheartedly agree.

LaBellina · 10/08/2021 15:44

Personally I would go NC and report it to the police as well. You wouldn’t put up with this shit from a stranger, family is no excuse to be abusive.

Also re your DC being disappointed, would you let them be around someone who uses drugs and turns violent? It’s a shitty outcome but we can’t always control others behavior, they made their choice to behave in a certain way, now it’s your choice how you deal with it.

Kanaloa · 10/08/2021 15:47

I would not see them again and would refuse to be at any events they would possibly attend.

Being around chaotic people, especially those who are addicts, affects you badly. I would not tolerate them in my life, having had similar people in my life as a child. It isn’t worth the stress.

Howshouldibehave · 10/08/2021 15:49

Since lockdown I had been making more of an effort with them as I realised that life is too short to have resentments and so we had been spending more time together

So it’s only a relatively short amount of time you’ve been making an effort with them? Your kids will cope without them. Cut contact and go back to how you were before. If anyone asks why you don’t see them very much (who will ask?!), say you don’t want to as she takes drugs and pushed you.

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