At breaking point, need a hand hold.

[Katiebee008]

DS is 4 and a half. He is adopted, has been with me since he was a baby. Me and ex husband split up last year. Amicable but he is useless. DS starts school in September.

He clearly has SEN and behavioural issues but we are stuck in the system with no support. He has a post-adoption social worker allocated who is useless. Had a paediatric assessment virtually then was told "its hard to assess his virtually" so he's on an 18 month waiting list to be assessed in person. Has a severe speech disorder which I pay for private therapy for because he is stuck on a waiting list for SALT (2.5 years so far). I'm a single mum, I cannot afford more therapy.

He is happy at home. But nowhere else. Was hitting out at preschool. He has a childminder too who he has known for years and is usually fine for her but today she called me half an hour after dropping him off to come and collect him because he punched her hard and it hurt.

I just feel stuck. He is so lovely and caring and happy but everyone is only seeing the worst in him because he is struggling so much right now and i can't get him the help he needs. I don't know what to do any more.

So sorry that you are not being supported by the system. It sounds very difficult and I'm not surprised you are struggling.

Have you tried any of the post adoption support charities? PAC operate a adoptive parent helpline and may be a good sounding boarding if nothing else.

https://www.pac-uk.org/our-services/adoptive-parentcarer-support/

Or there is Coram who have a support gateway to help adoptive parents access support services?

https://www.coram.org.uk/how-we-do-it/adoption/adoption-support-gateway?_ga=2.95563033.486704982.1628505571-946829043.1628505571

Apologies if you have tried these routes already. I know getting help and accessing services is incredibly hard and it must be so frustrating for you.

Is your ex paying child support for his adoptive son? Spending time with him? Do you have wider family support? Don't let him dodge his responsibilities by being 'useless'.

Hes paying maintenance, £100 a month, and has him two nights a week, so I do get a break. But DS becomes so disregulated after contact that it takes a long while to calm him down. His behaviour is significantly worse after his weekend day with his dad.

@ChequerBoard I haven't actually so I really appreciate the links. Trying to access the ASF through my local authorities post adoption support but like I said, his social worker is not on the ball at all.

100 a month is very little. Could he increase 5hat to cover cost of more therapy. Some sensory work with an OT might be useful as in my experience as a teacher children who are adopted often suffer from sensory issues due possibly to early experiences. That work has an amazing calming effect on them allowing them to access other help in a more meaningingful way.

That sounds difficult. I have no experience of adoption, so cannot help there, but I do have experience of SN and language difficulties.

Try to get hold of copies of Hanen More than Words, or It Takes Two to Talk (order them through your library, as they are expensive) - lots of advice and tips on what you can be doing to help with speech issues. You don’t necessarily have to be paying for speech therapy, there is lots you can do to help.

I also found a book called ‘playing, laughing and learning with children on the autistic spectrum’ (I think that’s what it’s called!) really helpful for ideas on how to interact and structure activities - it’s not just helpful for autistic children, IMO.

Have you posted on the SN boards for help and advice? It’s been a while since I have hung out there, but in the past I have found posters to be really helpful with advice and tips, and they might have more up to date books/references to help you out.

Have you asked your LA to assess for an EHCP? This is done on basis of need, not diagnosis, and so the hold ups in your dc being assessed should not make a difference. If you think your dc will need support at school, then it is best to get going with this. IPSEA and SOS:SEN! have lots of advice on how to go about this, including template letters.

He definitely needs an OT - again, another one we are stuck on a waiting list for. No chance of increasing the payments, he will not pay a penny more than CM calculator says he has to. I've gone without for six months whilst he was unemployed, it was only this past month he started paying again.

Try joining the Therapeutic Parenting group on Facebook. There's lots of help and advice for parents and many members have fostered or adopted children.

OP are you accessing the Adoption Support Fund for your DC? This provides a capped amount of £5k per year for therapy plus up to an additional £2.5k if specialist assessments are required

There is a legal obligation on your Local Authority to assess your family's adoption support needs and then apply to the fund on your behalf for release of the funding. Your social worker should be helping you access these funds and services.

Try contacting First for Adoption if you need support with this. They have a helpline you can call 0300 222 0022 advice.

https://www.first4adoption.org.uk/adoption-support/financial-support/adoption-support-fund/

Based on what you have described also try applying for DLA for your child op. Contact local CAB for advice and information on local carers support groups/ help applying for benefits. Like the EHCP DLA is based on the child's needs not a diagnosis. I am really sorry that you are struggling.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/disability-living-allowance/

Yes, apply for child DLA as soon as possible. It's not means tested and can help with all these costs you're struggling with.

You people are amazing. I had no idea DLA didn't require a diagnosis. I had looked into EHCP but was worried that without a diagnosis the evidence would not be strong enough.

ASF can and do fund private OT intervention. I know you’ve said your social worker is useless but push her what the process for this is in your area

@Katiebee008

You people are amazing. I had no idea DLA didn't require a diagnosis. I had looked into EHCP but was worried that without a diagnosis the evidence would not be strong enough.

Yes, you only need medical evidence, not an actual diagnosis.

I'm really pleased this thread has been so helpful for you, I've seen quite a few comments with all sorts of useful advice. I'm sure there will be many more to come after I've posted this.

You're doing a great job and are clearly an amazing mum. Best of luck with everything, I hope your little one gets all the support he needs.

There’s a very active adoption board on mumsnet (look under becoming a parent) with lots of very experienced adopters around - ask to have your thread moved there, you should get some really helpful adoption friendly advice.

Katie so much good advice here, it's so hard trying to find help.

You don’t need a diagnosis for an EHCP either. Also, you don’t need school to agree to apply for one, you can do it yourself.

DLA - you might find a local charity to help you fill in the forms. I don’t mean that to sound rude like you’re incapable of doing it yourself, I just mean they are HUGE (50 pages) and a local charity will know how to word things. Also, you will take for granted all the extra things you do each day that other parents don’t have to.

Don’t forget to photocopy it once completed so you can refer to it when you reapply. Our local charity who help with forms is called DIAL. You could also call Contact who are nationwide and could probably recommend some local help.

An organisation called Cerebra have a fantastic guide for completing the DLA application for learning difficulties- it’s free and goes through the form giving examples of how to explain your child’s difficulties.

In terms of your boy, it sounds like he’s struggling with the separation, even him being with you from a baby there may well be attachment issues which will flare at times of separation. If he’s happy at home it may be because he feels secure there - he’s also got a huge change with school coming. Anything you can do to make his world predictable, routine and consistent will help. Things like regular bed time, meal times, plans for the day (ie in the morning we go for a walk, in the afternoon we play games), using a visual timetable can help too as can “now and next” boards.

Schedule regular contact (same days same times) with your ex and try not to juggle them around. The more he can predict what his day will look like the better.

If he’s struggling with regulation try sensory stuff eg long walks outside, playing with water, sand, slime, jumping and swinging at the park. All those activities help reconnect him to his body and sooty his nervous system, I also am a huge fan of “just add water” so a bath, swimming, drinking a cold glass of water, playing in puddles all helped my two when they were having a hard time. Therapies are important but there are lots of things you can do to help him too that will make a huge difference.

contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/benefits-financial-help/benefits-and-tax-credits/disability-living-allowance/tips-on-completing-the-dla-form/

Your DS is, understandably for an adopted child, struggling with attachment and contact arrangements as they are. If you get on with your ex, could he come to your house to care for him instead of DS going to him? You could still have time off.
Would help you understand if it's the repeated leaving of his dad or the loss of you that's upsetting him or change to routine, expectations and setting,etc
Tip about therapeutic parenting is a good one.

@Hen2018

You don’t need a diagnosis for an EHCP either. Also, you don’t need school to agree to apply for one, you can do it yourself.

DLA - you might find a local charity to help you fill in the forms. I don’t mean that to sound rude like you’re incapable of doing it yourself, I just mean they are HUGE (50 pages) and a local charity will know how to word things. Also, you will take for granted all the extra things you do each day that other parents don’t have to.

Don’t forget to photocopy it once completed so you can refer to it when you reapply. Our local charity who help with forms is called DIAL. You could also call Contact who are nationwide and could probably recommend some local help.

DLA for kids is now called Personal Independence Payment I believe.

The best shot you have of getting it is to use a website like Benefits and Work which have help guides.

Might be tricky attending the CAB in person at the mo.

You can join Benefits and Work for more ongoing advice as a member.

www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/

Also, there are one off grants available from an organisation called Turn2us which do involve a bit of work proving your circumstances but basically you input your details, circumstances and their website comes up with grants that you would be eligible to apply for.

Some of them are quite obscure grants linked to previous occupations or circumstances of yours.

Some are linked to the area you live in. As I say, it does take a bit of work but perhaps you could make a case for therapy costs or other interventions or help for yourself (a cleaner?) or even a respite break? I would defintely have a look

I know from bitter experience getting money out of useless ex's can be really difficult and wearing.

PIP form basically asks for symptoms and challenges. It is a difficult form to fill in and there will be a wait for processing but it is worth fighitng for.

Best of luck

I was also wondering about a forest school.

There is one openend up near us and they take kids up to eleven.

DLA still exists for children. PIP is for over 16s.

This charity is useful for equipment and short breaks (if your income isn’t too high)

www.familyfund.org.uk/