Homesickness and uni - at thirty

[homesickness]

I’m 30 FFS, I feel so so stupid and useless .

I’m returning to uni to study degree I really, really want to get as it’ll open up a good career for me . I’m good at the course and I’d never forgive myself if I don’t go for it .

At the moment I’m living full time wirh my mum, have been for two years due to my own ill healtj and then Covid and needing to be my mum’s carer .

I think it’s some sort of attachment disorder or something; or a throwback from childhood but I can’t bear to be separated from my mum . My mum was very ill (mental health) when I was a child and some of my earliest memories are of being lifted up to give her a kiss , sedated on hospital trolleys . Was in and out of foster care a lot . My dad walked out one day and never came back - since then I’ve had horrendous problems . As a child I didn’t sleep, didn’t cope well with school . I managed to some extent from 18-27 or so then had a massive breakdown .

I’ve spent pretty much every day for two years with my mum .

Uni is getting closer and closer and I keep being told from all angles I need to go back, it’s a good job at the end and I need to try to make friends and talk to people and consider my own future .

But the thought of homesickness and missing my mum is cutting me in half already . I keep thinking of my mum at home alone and worrying it’ll be my fault if she’s unhappy or worse something awful could happen that I could have prevented by being at home .

I’ve spoken to my therapist who is saying a lot of my thoughts are anxiety; PTSD based and said in the long run things won’t get better if I stay in my ‘safety zone’ at home . Said hiding at home will ultimately change nothing and any future sadness will be just as hard if not harder if I don’t break out and form other strong bonds . I know she’s right . So why am I watching the Olympics crying my eyes out?

How far away is Uni?

Your therapist is right about your comfort zone, you do need to gently push outside it to keep it from closing on further. You shouldn't push it so far that it causes you significant problems though.

Perhaps making a plan of how you'll stay in touch e.g. visits, phone calls etc. will help? I always find a plan helps!

Around about three and a half hour drive or so - bit longer if I take the bus or train . I managed a whole year there before, so
I’m not sure why I’m so scared this time .

My dad lives only ten minutes away, and I’ve two aunts ten minutes in the other direction so I’m not sure why I’m so nervous but it’s the being separated from my mum for any stretch of time that I can’t cope with . Therapist said that’s definitely some sort of attachment disorder/abnormal behaviour . It’s so hard .

I think what’s harder is that the therapy I’m getting will stop at the same time, and I’ll have to change GP too - so it all feels very strange and scary and pulling away all support networks .

How frequently do you think you can get back to your mum?

End of each term and maybe one weekend term time? Do you get a reading week on your course?

Firstly, these feelings do not make you stupid or useless at all. You’ve had a very difficult and traumatic childhood, and are feeling the longterm effects. Have you contacted the uni’s pastoral service and asked about counselling available there? Might some of the course be online?
I had similar issues going to uni and I was only a bit younger.

I really feel for you, OP. There is nothing stupid about these feelings. You are very mature and thoughtful to have recognised them and to be looking for ways to address them.

I promise you that you can do this, although it may be painful. I echo previous posters' advice to talk to the pastoral team at your university and see what counselling services are available when you get there. The key is to have a support structure in place.

I wish you all the very best.

Thank you; uni know to an extent although don’t have my full diagnosis (OCD complicated by CPTSD, dyspraxia and ASD) . I have a support worker within Uni and a mentor both of whom are hugely helpful, and have a disability advisor too - part of me wants to ask the disability advisor if I can have someone come to my flat each morning and walk with me to uni; or meet me at an agreed place on campus and walk with me to my classes . I’m scared as stupid as it sounds as I’m terrified of heights - therapist said it’s actually vertigo probably something to do with the dyspraxia - most of the campus is on very steep streets and very busy area, I get overwhelmed so easily and then just panic . The flat I’m moving into is part of a complex that has thirteen floors, every time I remember that I panic again . It’s so silly . I know I can’t live with my mum forever but part of me feels it would be so much easier to !

Definitely ask them for someone to accompany you, with notice it might be possible, but if you don’t ask… It sounds like a reasonable adjustment to me.
Do you know what floor you’re on?