I need help with my 7year old daughter

[Les13]

Bit of back story, not been with her dad now for over 2 years. The relationship was very abusive and toxic, to which she saw some things a child should not see. Social work had no problem with my parenting as long as dad did not live with us. When he did previously, she was deemed a vulnerable child.
Both parents are now engaged to other people. Daughter lives with me, sees dad every second weekend after parenting course was completed.

So I have been with my partner for almost 2years, we recently got engaged (she knew about everything, but managed to keep it a secret). Before we got engaged everything was good, I really had no problems with her. But since getting engaged everything has done a full 180. Simple things like going to sleep, she’ll be up for hours just crying. When I do go through and check everything is all ok she says her tummy is sore. I am getting about 5hours sleep a night. The attitude that is coming my way is unlike her. She did express to me that she was feeling left out when we got engaged but my partner had got her her very own wee diamond neckless so we could both be in the diamond club. So she wasn’t left out. She has also become very clingy to myself.
She is now starting to tell us lies which is new behaviour. She seems to worry about EVERYTHING! This is not how I brought her up, we are a very what will be, will be type of family.

Her dad is also engaged and has a new baby (10months), she said she’s okay with that as she doesn’t see him much. She goes to his every second weekend, used to be more but he cancelled those days. He has also stopped calling as much.

I understand it could and most likely to be linked to change, I explain to her all the time change is not always bad. But I think she sees her relationship with dad change when baby and engagement came on the go, so she thinks the same will happen at home. We spend one night every week doing “girls night/ mummy daughter time”.

I'm starting to loose my marbles.

Can someone please give me some advice or maybe a different perspective on the situation??

Thank you

Oh bless it sounds tough.
Could she have a wee bed set up in your room to come through to if she needed but she can’t disturb you? To just get the sleep you both need?
Let her talk. I think you’re right that what’s happened with her dad has impacted her more than she’s probably realised and it’s playing out now as she’s safer with you to express even negatives.
You’re doing great. Don’t give up and just encourage her to talk and that it’s okay to be sad or worried etc.

What is her relationship like with your DP ? Is she especially needy of you at night ? The tummy ache thing triggered me , I used to say that to my mum because I was being abused and didn't want to be left at night. I'm not saying this is the case but she sounds stressed, co sleeping with her ( just you and her) for a bit might help.

She has experienced a couple of adverse childhood experiences/ trauma.
It is to be expected that she is emotional. She needs lots of love and reassurance and if she wants to co sleep let her. Keeps her close.

Behaviour is communication
What us she trying to say but doesn't have tge words?
Get some professional support maybe whoever supported before with the ex.
Eg child psychologist, play therapist ...to get at what she is anxious about

You went from the ex to new partner fairly quickly?
At 7 she is becoming more aware of herself and her place

That is a huge amount of disruption and change and trauma for both of you.

Have you done any therapy? Would you consider doing something together with your daughter? She is being exposed to a lot of adult relationships that are changing and shifting.

The diamond necklace is a lovely idea from your partner and time together with you is exactly what she needs. Just keep prioritising her stability and her needs and get some support for both of you to understand what has happened to you both over the last few years and how it might be impacting on her now.

Good luck

That is a lot of changes for such a little person. She might say she’s okay without really understanding how it affects her. She might also be picking up that it would please you if she said she was okay with everything.
Give her time to talk, not necessarily about the situation, just chatter, it will give her space to talk it out without seeming to. If you have a doll’s house, play with her with the different characters, see where those conversations go.
If things don’t improve, maybe get some professional help. It sounds like she is very anxious and confused.
When I was pregnant with my second child our hoover broke and we had to get another one. I found my son crying in his bed one night and I asked him why he was so sad. He said ‘ where will I be going when the new baby comes?’ He thought I was going to ditch him like the old hoover! Never occurred to me he would think that, but he was worrying away in his bed crying. Keep talking to her, keep reassuring her that she is safe and loved and heard.

Thank you all for your replies.

My daughters relationship with my partner is great!! She often asks if he can pick her up from school or childcare. If he’s going somewhere in the car like to get petrol or his mums she often asks to go. He makes a effort to not see her in the bath/shower or while getting changed as he knows it can be taken the wrong way.

I would also like to add that I done a disclosure/ Clare’s Law on my partner when we first got together. All is clear.

To the person who said I went to a new relationship quickly, I personally don’t think I did. Looking back at my relationship with her dad it was over long before I plucked up the courage to leave and not think of the consequences were going to be from leaving. I was that brainwashed into thinking he actually loved me but what he loved was the money I gave him.

I have tried co sleeping, she just lays there awake for hours.
I did reach out to our old support worker for help, she said it should all pass with time and good support. This is what I am doing but it seems to be going round in circles.

Talking to he dad is a waste of time, all he says is “maybe if you can’t look after our daughter she should live with me” but there is not a hope in hell she would even go let alone me put her there. Her going there at weekends is hard enough.

She loves gymnastics so have enrolled her in classes which start soon. I also feel like our lack of routine is playing a factor, holidays are ending soon. She absolutely loves school and learning.