How to deal with 8 year old scared of bedtime or being upstairs alone

[Usual2usual]

DS is 8.
About two years ago he developed a fear of being anywhere in the house on his own, he would follow DH and I everywhere, refuse to go to the toilet unless someone was with him etc. Bedtimes were awful, one of us had to sit in with him and it could take hours. He used to refuse to walk upstairs in front of me because he thought I would 'turn into a demon' while his back was turned.

We discovered that a friend at school had an older brother who had been letting him watch scary films and tv shows (such as Stranger Things and IT) and this boy had been recounting them to DS making him terrified.

We spoke to the school to flag and they said they would work on his resilience but then came lockdown making everything worse.

We eventually got him back into going to bed on his own although he still wouldn't ever be on his own in the house during the day, making his sister accompany him if he ever had to go upstairs to the toilet or to get something.

We have recently moved house and it is getting worse again, greateful for any advice from those with children who are similar or who have gotten over things like this. I try to be understanding but I hate to say sometimes I get snappy as it is jist constant.

Following … my son is the same. He has asd.
No advice though I’m afraid, we’re doing some cbt stuff but it doesn’t seem to help much just yet x hugs x

Dd6 has suddenly decided she's afraid of her bed. I'm not very sympathetic as her 4 year old brother is less than a metre away from her in his own bed and happily goes to sleep.

I've found that talking to her about it during the day really helps. We watched some Dr Binocs videos on YouTube about sleep and talked about how bedtime is better when we're all calm and peaceful. She also has one of those leaf canopies from IKEA above her bed with fairy lights wrapped around it so she can switch those on at night if she feels scared.

Walkie talkie so he can call you for reassurance?
Baby monitor the other way around so that he can hear what you are up to?
Create some reassuring affirmations with him during the day - “I am safe. I can hear my mum. If I shout she will come.”
I think if he is genuinely frightened- and it sounds well entrenched, focusing on the understanding and reassurance is your only option.
There are some good anxiety work books- like the anxiety gremlin that you can maybe work through together.

Also came on to suggest walkie talkies

Sounds simple, but have you asked him what would make him more comfortable (apart from you being around)?

You have my sympathy - been there, done that. I have 3 dc, all with ASD, and they have all had this to a greater or lesser extent.

My eldest had a huge phase when she was little, and like you we had to be there while she was settling to sleep etc - it took about 4 years to get through that phase! I put her and dd2 together sharing a bedroom to try to resolve it (it helped a bit) - is that an option? Eventually (due to some building work we were having done) I had dd1, dd2 AND ds sharing a room - dd1 would have been about 11 by then I guess, and when the work was finished (took a while!), she was actually ready to be in her own room on her own again.

The constant need to be with you during the day can be wearing. I’ve been through this too, and it is so hard when you can’t even have 5 minutes peace to sit and breathe. Try working on this slowly and building it up gradually. I used to get dc settled with doing something (I was doing it too - craft/watching tv, building Lego, whatever) and then ‘remember’ something I needed to fetch or do in another room close by. I said what I’d be doing, where I’d be doing it, and made sure I was gone about 30 seconds initially - I’d often meet dc coming to follow me on my way back! - but I made sure I did what I’d said I was going to, and could build it up (painfully) slowly. I still announce to dd1 (17, has learning difficulties) where I am going/what I will be doing, and still make sure I am only as long as I said I would be. She cannot be unaccompanied for long, and so I am well used to doing all my general jobs with her tagging along (actually, giving the control to her sometimes works - ‘I need to empty the dishwasher, do you want to com with me and chat, or stay here doing X’ - she does sometimes choose to stay doing X.

It is tough, but hang in there, it will improve with lots of support and encouragement (ds, who is 9, is forever up and down all evening after bedtime, as he is too lonely in his room - he gets his couple of minutes sitting with me, lots of hugs and reassurance, and back up he goes for a little bit, before he’s back for more - he does settle eventually. One thing that worked really well for him was a colour change lightbulb - once I’ve said goodnight and done his official ‘lights out’, he’s allowed his lightbulb on dim/a dull colour, and he can then turn it off using a remote when he’s ready for sleep. It’s worked ether than a nightlight/corridor light being on etc)

I actually think this is fairly normal. We evolved in a forest environment where a lone child would have been a quick and tasty snack. I think it is natural for children to go through a stage of fearing being alone. I know I did. I distinctly remember fearing wolves would catch me on the stairs when I was sent upstairs to carry toast from Dad in the kitchen to Mum having breakfast in bed. I can't remember exactly how old I was, but about this age. I quickly grew out of it. Its nothing to worry about. Just reassure your son, and sympathise, and praise him for being brave, and don't leave him too long in a situation where he is frightened.

Yep, we kept the baby monitors for years as walkie talkies, and dc2 (preteen) still has a lamp on at night and sometimes the landing light.

Just thinking too, both DC have told us it's weird if the house is too quiet so we'll either have the TV or radio on to create noise so they know we're here before we turn in for the night.

Dc2 still also has teds positioned about the house, almost like they're on watch.

We ended up with a routine that we did every night including sitting with them for a while. They needed to get the security of us being there. She's 9 and only takes 15mins now and if she's not asleep then we can leave and she's okay.

Thank you all, I'm gald it doesn't seem to just be us going through this phase.

Some good ideas I might try the walkie talkies!

We have considered having him share with his sister but he isn't keen (they don't get on!).

We had a while of needing someone to go upstairs to the loo too. We just went with it in the end. When we just did it without making a fuss it took the fear out of it and she's fine going upstairs now on her own (as long as its not dark.) I think getting cross or making an issue of it can make it worse as then they fear you leaving.

It is really hard.

DD sleeps much better now she has a hamster in her bedroom. I expected the opposite but she likes the sound of it scratching around its cage, and knows she has company. She also has a low lamp and we keep doors open. Being scared is normal, it comes and goes a bit. It has been a difficult year for everyone tbh.

I have a 16yr old who was like this at 9 and has continually got better and better but isn't completely over it yet. Won't consider staying overnight on his own. Doesn't like us to be out too late as he doesn't like being in on his own if it's dark. Puts his window lock on every night, even in that heatwave. He does at least go up to bed on his own now. I feel he will get there.