Just burst in to tears. Again. I am so lonely.

[Amandasummers]

I just don’t know how much more of this tedious existence I can stand. I’m alone all the time (bar my children) I have no friends, my family isn’t close….the fact that I’ve not even mentioned my partner really says everything about that side of things. I’m just lonely. So painfully lonely. I’m broke. Everything’s a struggle. I just can’t be bothered with it all anymore. I don’t see how it would ever possibly improve. I have no hobbies or interests, I’ve never made friends with the school mums. Every friendship I’ve ever had has always been one sided. I just hate my life and then I look at my kids and I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I only have my smallest here at the moment. He saw me crying and came to cuddle me (he’s 3) and it just breaks my heart. I’m scared my kids will end up like me, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I don’t know why I’m even posting here, what can anybody say? I know there isn’t anything.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this - but it can change. I won’t offer any advice as there’s loads of good advice on here already, but I really hope things start to improve for you soon x

Op you are not alone, I could have written much of your post.

No concrete advice sadly but I assume your youngest will be starting pre-school soon which might give you an opportunity to get out of the house a bit more (and maybe do a hobby or volunteer etc). I have a dc of a similar age and it is difficult in terms of meeting people outside of the toddler circuit. I have found it very difficult to make friends with school mums etc. I have been successful in the past but this is down to luck more than anything but these friendships are waning a bit now as aside from children we have little in common.

I'm trying the hobbies/interests route with the hope of meeting more like-minded people. My hobbies/interests keep me occupied to a certain extent and whilst at home and not doing the drudge of housework or looking after dc, I sort of potter along with them. It took me a while to work out what these were and interestingly some of them are connected to things I liked to do as a child. I just need to try to develop friendships/get out more to form a social circle. I have met my best friend (and only really good friend) this way (through a shared interest) who I know I'm lucky to have.

It might be worth working on what it is you like to do first/what it is that brings you some happiness and go on from there (and if you're stuck to begin with perhaps start with a bit of self care).

Working on existing relationships feels more difficult and more complex. For me, it would involve a lot of change that I'm not ready to face yet for various reasons. I suppose that's why I'm working on the things that I feel I can change now.

I have also just started receiving some therapy.

Watching this thread with interest.

Where abouts are you? I've found the peanut app helpful for arranging meetups/park playdates etc. They don't quite count as "friends" yet but I can see potential.

I think about this stuff a lot…what I like…and it’s like I literally don’t like anything. I have zero interest in anything! I’d love to focus on bettering mine and the kids lives by finding a way to make money….I read those “I started my business with £12.50 and now I’m a millionaire” stories all the time and it fills me with rage that I have no talents or no random ideas that will just take off. I’d like to join an exercise class, but money prevents this. It’s all just so shit. I know I’m lucky. I have 3 healthy children that some would kill for, I get that. I really really do. But I also feel like a failure of a parent a lot of the time. I just feel like my existence is completely and utterly pointless. I’ve tried medications and I’ve tried counselling previously…nothing seems to help. Maybe it’s laziness? Like I just want someone else to come along and fix it all? But that’s because I’m simply out of ideas.

For the pp who asked I’m on the Essex/Hertfordshire border x

Oh. And I do read. I love reading and will read constantly for a while and then not at all, because like tv, I get attached and completely emerged with it for a while and then it’s like a sense of loss when it ends?! God that sounds so incredibly dull.

I went through a phase of feeling pointless, I remember saying I was a waste of oxygen. That was such a low point.
I started volunteering at a children’s centre, and my life began to slowly change. I have now trained as a level 3 nursery assistant and work in a school.
You can turn things around. But no get rich quick scheme is going to come knocking on your door I’m afraid. You have to make the changes bit by bit.

Get a dog ? They are lovely and dog people talk to you snd are generally lovely

Op, please don't give up hope. Looking after small children can be isolating. And the last eighteen months have been very difficult when it comes to meet ups.

My advice to you (speaking as an expat who had to start from scratch when I didn't even speak the language in the beginning) is to volunteer at your dc's primary school as much as you can. You cannot fail to meet people that way. And why not start some hobbies, something like a community garden or a choir or something creative like a stitch & bitch, can be good sources of friendship. As can volunteering. Basically (said kindly) you only get out what you put in. Treat it like you would a project at work and be strategic.

Your post sounds like you might be depressed though. Have a look at Therapy in a Nutshell on You Tube. It's very good. And once you have built yourself up, maybe with the help of ADs (worth seeing your gp) perhaps you could address your relationship, and maybe start looking for a pt job? Your life might turn out to be different from how you envisioned it, but that may not necessarily be a bad thing!

Good luck

I am so sorry, I could have written your post myself

For what it's worth, try to focus on the positives,

it helps me. If you want to talk more, direct message me x

Yes, I second volunteering. I've always found that if I'm going to be miserable, I might as well be doing someone some good. Help people read!
literacytrust.org.uk/about-us/careers/volunteering-opportunities/
readeasy.org.uk/volunteer/

Probably you can do evenings if you want to help adults, or as others have said, most schools (especially as things are opening up) have volunteers who listen to children read. Good luck!

Not everything costs money. Join a free running group, Google local book clubs, invite a school mum over. It’s awful but only you can change it.

@Winemewhynot

You have children and a partner, that’s a lot more than some people.

Please try to see the positives in life.

That’s very insensitive , what a nasty thing to say.

You can be incredibly lonely within a partnership and kids don’t fill the need for adult company. I totally get where the OP is coming from.

You can be incredibly lonely within a partnership and kids don’t fill the need for adult company. I totally get where the OP is coming from.

Yes I agree. And sometimes there are problems in a relationship but it all looks fine on the outside to others, thereby reinforcing the walls to your isolation.

I'm trying to (slowly) build a life outside of the home. My dc are the centre of my universe but I have now realised I need to work on my identity and build a social network (within limits as dc are fairly young).

Op, there aren't many people who manage to get rich quick. Usually, it means sacrifice of some kind or other. Some activities such as joining a walking group/volunteering can be low cost. Maybe a part-time job further down the line (so difficult when you have little ones and no family support, I understand this but hopefully this will get easier a bit further down the line).

You may be depressed and not able to see your good points and I know how easy it is to be self-critical believe me. This has been the starting point for me...to be much kinder to myself. Writing stuff down about your feelings (including any positives) can help too.

OP, you're not alone, I feel the same, except I'm a single parent with one child who now doesnt want to spend time with me either (teen) . I have no one to meet up for a chat with, no hobbies, I'm just on my own all the time, outside of work. I read and watch a lot of TV. It's hard.

@Amandasummers how are you feeling today?

@Jackieweaverishere thank you for posting….not great really….I’m so painfully happy, as the days go on it’s becoming more and more apparent. There’s so much wrong that I just don’t know where to begin or which problem to tackle first 😥 you know when people say they are DEEPLY unhappy….I get that right now. It’s like I feel it in every bone of my body.

Really sorry to hear that, I wonder whether going back to your GP would be a good step? When you're so low it's really hard to make changes in your life.

The summer holidays can be really tough, relentless. Are you getting out with your DC, even if it's just to the park or the woods?

@Jackieweaverishere I’ve had some health concerns recently and I actually think the doctor thinks I’m a bit mad, I’m reluctant to ring them about something else 🤦🏻‍♀️ It’s so hard over the phone too. I think, although I m suffering with anxiety etc, I know the big problems are stuff I could change but won’t??? So I think, nothing will really help until I get the guts to do something about it (my relationship) but I need to feel strong to do that lol so round in circles I go! Getting out a little, I’m always worrying about money and my older kids are bored or walking and the little one obviously struggles! So we spend a lot of time indoors but I do like it, I’m trying to force myself to complete small tasks to break the day up and that has helped a bit. I used to talk daily to my neighbour and she’s recently pulled away, so that’s not helped because I don’t have that person I’d normally randomly chat with?

Do you even have time for friends? After I look after DC and do laundry and cleaning I barely have time to watch tv, never mind go out. Presumably when your youngest starts school you’ll have to work and will have even less time. Modern life is just so isolating.

I don't have advice. But I can relate a lot. I'm lonely ALL the time. for 95% of my life. And I, like you, have NO friends. Spend days crying and wishing I'd die. I have no kids, though. Internet people might not be the same, but just letting you know other humans are out there who understand, up to a point (cuz we are all different obviously) some extreme inner pain. I too feel nothing is possible to get better, cuz of my own self mostly, and the world/reality.

I know some days are a bit better than others. I like to pretend and plan my next life lol. Not that god would grant it, but it's fun sometimes. I get lost in books. I have no answers but hope you find soul-comfort soon, somehow. Take care!!!

My only advice is this as it worked for me (I was a painfully shy, lonely teenager)
Once you make one friend, try to gently expand your social circle with them. So for example I met a friend at work, if you ever get invited out with their friends, go!
My sister has her own friends and whilst I am not close to them we're all going for a day out soon.
My best friend had an acquaintance that I met and liked, still chat on Facebook now and again.
The key to this is not being overbearing (or desperate no matter how much you might feel it). Look at it like a spiders Web, once you find one person the opportunity to branch out will be there.
Hope this helps xx

Hi,

You have several problems here.

Your partner obviously isn’t doing much to make you feel valued and appreciated, is that something you can talk to him about? Maybe you could find an equally busy mum at school who would reciprocate babysitting, to allow you and her to get an evening with your partner sometimes. Also you need time to find your identity, how often does your DP take all the kids and let you go out?

Friendships are harder to grow as an adult. And they come from unexpected directions.

Hard to make friends as an adult, takes longer to ignite a spark and then kindle a flame of friendship. You have to be really brave and initiate, and also you have to accept a very high percentage failure rate . It isn’t personal but adults have so much pulling at them sometimes it is not easy to invest in friendships - work, kids, their own health issues, ageing parents, financial problems, marital problems… etc can take a huge toll. But out of every acquaintance you see now and then, you might find someone you really click with. Couch to 5k Facebook groups are a good, free way to start finding local friends, it is someone to chat to online and you can potentially meet up to run, try looking also at community FB groups in the New Year when lots of people are taking up exercise etc. Your local NCT FB group may also have a free toddler buggy walk, if you drive that might be a good one.

Lastly money. Obviously it is a fantasy to think you will stumble on a get-rich-quick scheme. Have you considered whether you could go back to work? What did you do before the kids?

Op, sorry things are so difficult for you. I am in a difficult place too.

Oh. And I do read. I love reading and will read constantly for a while and then not at all, because like tv, I get attached and completely emerged with it for a while and then it’s like a sense of loss when it ends?! God that sounds so incredibly dull.

I feel like this too. I also understand the neighbour not being available to talk. I have a similar situation (though not a neighbour) and I can feel quite bereft at times (due to lack of friends) when my one good friend doesn't communicate with me (because she has a busy life/more friends etc) and I don't like to over do it by keep contacting her.

Volunteering does seem a good route to take (though deciding what might be sticking point for you). I am considering volunteering when my little one starts school. You never know, it could lead to a part-time job (though I'm not looking for that right now) but at the very least might help to build confidence.

When you feel so low, it can feel really hard to make decisions. I 100% get the loneliness you talk about, including issues with partner. Perhaps you could look at your interests first - you enjoy reading and work from there i.e. book group. If you like walking - walking group and so on. This is what I'm doing (though admittedly, it will only get easier once smallest dc starts school). I think it is a case of baby steps. I experience anxiety and the thought of going out and meeting new people overwhelms me. I have just entered therapy and hoping this will help.