Long read- Should I take this job? Advice needed

[Pollywants]

Username changed bc I don't want people searching through other posts. Chat because AIBU has too many angry trolls. Don't read if you don't have time for detail.

Problem: I have been searching for a job after not working for a long time and covid made it worse. I was looking for office roles but can't get my foot in the door anywhere despite previously working at a high level. (too many years ago).

I randomly applied to a low wage factory job nearby and they called straight away. They cannot get anyone because people are sitting at home getting paid enough not to work (the HR person admitted the wages need to come up but it's not her control).

I have two issues: the first is that I currently get alimony and if I take this job it pushed my into the next tax bracket and I will be taking home perhaps half the pay at the end of the day. I don't know if working in a factory job will help me get an office job either (I am near 50).

The second issue is my DS, 19, has been 'looking' for work. He has autism (so called high functioning) so it seems everything has to be done for him. I think this company might have called him and I told him to call them back a few weeks ago. He did not. I am fed up with having to literally 'make him' do every little step. (I know he is disabled but you have to realize how wearing it is when you actually would have to sit there and watch them make a phone call to see it actually happen.) Mentally I am completely worn out of him (not his fault) and I am the only adult/support he has (he refuses any other help, refused job search help from a non-profit) and I just want to live my own life not base my life around his anymore. I didn't work for years as I had to home school frequently when he got kicked out or his anxiety got too high. I AM BURNT OUT of living my life around his needs. His father provides financial support but is not physically present (his choice).

I mentioned I got this job to my son and that they were hiring anyone and his face fell. But he was the one not calling them back (yes because of anxiety, not his fault). He said he wouldn't mind working there as well if I got him in but frankly I want my own life/space. I actually become somewhat suicidal thinking about these things.

Do I take the job that earns next to nothing but maybe will help to get better employment (not sure about this) and ignore the whole situation with my son?

Thank you if you read this far and have any thoughts.

It's tricky. Reading through I'm wondering if you would be happy if your son actually took a job there rather than you - this might be a weight off your mind? Is that an option?

It does sound like you need to do something just for you. Have you applied for other jobs as well though- it's not clear how keen you are to do this one, maybe you're just doing it for the sake of it but are there other options?

One thing is, there's no wrong answer. You could take the job and try it out, if it doesn't work then leave. You could not take it but say your son is looking for work and see if he can work there instead.

It sounds like this is a tough situation. Could you plan on taking the job for just a few months so that he gets comfortable working there with you, then leave? I'm not sure this would help you get office jobs, but it may be worth a try.

kate I have applied for lots of "not dead end" jobs but get no responses. I live in a town where no one leaves their job if it's decent. The dead end jobs need people. I was going to take this job out of boredom/hoping it will help with getting something better.

I have been hoping he would get a job (his dad actually applies for him online) but he doesn't make it past interviews or he doesn't bother to call them back without being forced to. Then he appeared upset that I got a job he probably could have.

I don't have it in me to make it my job to get him a job. I went through cancer alone this past year.

sarah Where I live we've had really long lock downs and so it' been like living in a fish bowl. I need my own space and my mental health is really poor. I have been volunteering to be around other people but the volunteering will not lead to a job.

I understand @Pollywants, I'm sorry you're going through this as it sounds really tough. I work in an office and sometimes hire staff - if you'd like to DM me I'd be happy to have a look at your CV and cover letter and make recommendations from the perspective of what an employer is looking for?

Hi Polly! First I think you are doing an amazing job in a difficult situation - fwiw I think you are really awesome :)

Second - I'd take the job - it will make you meet new people, new opportunities and you never know what it may bring. It will give you some space as well.

sarah thanks I have been to resume/job hunting classes. I spend hours making cover letters and resumes match the companies. When I was in my twenties it never took more than a week to get an interview. I don't get any interviews at all now.

I think there is always someone already employed applying as well and I haven't worked in years.

Your situation sounds incredibly difficult. You’re not a saint and you’re allowed to feel your feelings towards your son. Maybe the factory job would get you out and about and focussing on something else, other people to talk to etc and it might help lift your spirits a little. It doesn’t stop you keeping putting other applications out there.

And if you take the job there’s no obligation on you to get your son in too. Do not feel obliged!!!!!

No, tell them no. Support your son to contact them apologising for the error not getting back to them. Its not the job for you because of the associations.

beep no I am not a saint. I used to be. I put my DCs ahead of my needs for everything. And all it's got me is being unemployable. I fully intend to look for better. Thank you for understanding.

gowalk I know what you are saying. Thing is I have been the on hands parent for so many years -- you have no idea how much I have done. I am totally burnt out. It's hard to describe the wall that is there now. I cannot live under the assumption having children means your life is not your own anymore forever meanwhile his dad has had complete freedom (does not live with us, never was at home). If I don't get my life back I want to die. My parents neglected me so I actually have probably gone overboard trying to be a good parent and it's led me to complete burnout.

Also, although I get alimony now, it may not last forever. Men do what they do. I have no substantial retirement savings, and no inheritance coming. I don't see myself remarrying. So it's just me.

I think typing it out is making see if I can't support myself how would I ever support him in the future?

Please think about where you can get some support first. Don't make any big decisions while you are burnt out.

I think you have some hard decisions ahead. He needs to make his way in the world but is unlikely to get much support by asking I guess. I think in your shoes I would be saying that he needs to move out within six months (in reality have a two year schedule in mind) - point him in the direction of housing advice - and resist picking up the pieces when it goes wrong, so that he gets some support from outside. If you can get him to take a college course or engage with a youth charity then they would potentially give a lot of support to avoid him becoming NEET (not in employment education or training). This would be by far the best thing for him.

It sounds like this job will at least get you out of the house and some space, in a way. You might find that it improves your confidence for when you apply for jobs later on, or that something else will come up within the same company.

You have obviously been through a lot. Do what feels best for you.
Maybe also tell your ex to step up a bit with your son and/or to help him get some voluntary work or get on a college course like pp said

What Katekarate said. I'm afraid I would just take the job. Having a work history is really important and it sounds like it would really improve things for you to be working, even if the financial side is complicated. You might find you enjoy it as it is, or it might lead on to other things you can't predict at the moment.

As far as your son goes, maybe get yourself set up there first and just don't think about it yet. When you are feeling better and have some space for yourself, then think about it again. But give yourself six months or so before you take that one back off the shelf.