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Original poster

Who does what?

23 replies

housewifeandtea · 06/08/2021 13:39

Namechange because I'm going to share this thread with DH.

I don't work. DH works 36 hrs a week, spread out over 4 days. We have an 8 month old daughter who still wakes around three times per night. I do all night feeds, all mornings, almost all days, cooking and most of the cleaning.

DH cares for DD after dinner for about 2.5 hours while I exercise (walk), shower and watch some netflix. After that he stays up a couple of hours watching youtube so he does have free time every day. Sometimes He cares a few extra hours one afternoon in the weekend so that I have more me time. Not every weekend though.

He feels that he does so much. I feel so tired and feel that he should do more. Every time I ask for help his default answer is no and acting very annoyed. He feels that he needs more free time to go cycling long distances to improve his health.

So how is the division in your house? Who is unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
housewifeandtea · 06/08/2021 13:40

I have to add that DH does the garden work and puts out the trash and fixes stuff around the house

OP posts:
THATmamaofMANY · 06/08/2021 13:41

The days you are both at home should be more even towards 50/50 i would say

Imnotaslimjim · 06/08/2021 13:42

It does sound like he does do a fair bit but your tiredness from doing all the night waking is possibly making you feel like he isn't. Could he possibly do a couple of the overnights a month so you can sleep through and catch up?

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Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 06/08/2021 13:47

What does 'caring for dd" involve?
You should BOTH be doing housework and cleaning and at weekends he should take turns getting up with the baby in the night

234Pepperplant · 06/08/2021 13:48

When you have small children you do just both feel tired a lot and don’t get lots of free time. I’d say both of you are doing fairly well for free time actually. There are three days a week where there are two adults and one baby - you ought to be able to both get free time then, including the odd cycle ride if that’s what he wants to do. Plus you each have chilling time in the evening. I’m not really seeing the problem but it doesn’t sound like he’s being totally unreasonable. Babies are just hard work - think very carefully about a second because personally I found that was when all my free time went out the window!

girlmom21 · 06/08/2021 13:48

12 hour days are hard work so for him to then come home and do 2.5 hours childcare every day is a lot!

I'd honestly say he's doing more than enough over the course of a week.

234Pepperplant · 06/08/2021 13:49

But yes, he ought to do some (not 50:50 but some) of the night wakings.

confusedlots · 06/08/2021 13:58

2.5 hours a day completely to yourself does sound like a lot. It was always great to have DH at home in the evenings to help with dinner, washing up, take the baby for a while so I could sit down with a cup of tea etc. But I have to be honest and say that I'd have felt incredibly guilty if I'd just left him completely to do everything himself for 2.5 hours every evening after he had a long day at work.

legosunqueen · 06/08/2021 14:18

He does enough...2.5 hours an evening is most of the evening...

ChateauMargaux · 06/08/2021 14:21

Do you mean that for the three days he is not at work that he does nothing? You care for your daughter and do all cooking and housework?

If so... he should share the load at the weekends.

Hemingwaycat · 06/08/2021 14:23

Sounds like he does a fair amount tbh. I think lots of women would kill for a husband who offers them 2.5 hours every day to go for a walk and have a long shower! I literally get 20 minutes in the evening to myself in the shower and that’s my only alone time. He also does help around the house a bit so isn’t just lazing around not helping.

husbandcallsmepickle · 06/08/2021 14:25

Hire a cleaner! One of the best things we've done. £20 a week and we go out and have family time while she cleans.

Galassia · 06/08/2021 14:35

I think he’s doing great but as the other poster said, your waking in the night is making you feel tired.

Can you organise any time for yourself to relax/nap or whatever by asking a grandparent and or relative to have your daughter for a couple of hours or even if they come go hours and you go upstairs to catch up in your sleep or just relax in your bedroom.

I don’t think you should ask your husband to do more as it looks to me that he is doing lots and is pulling his weight.

Original poster
housewifeandtea · 06/08/2021 14:50

@legosunqueen

He does enough...2.5 hours an evening is most of the evening...
Not here. We both have about 2.5 hours of free time in the evening. He goes to bed late (well after midnight) and sleeps every morning till 9. So that would be half of the evening. He works from home 9 hours a day (mostly 8 but gets paid for 9), then cycles an hour while I cook. We eat, I get my free time (2.5 hrs) and then he gets his 2.5 - 3 hrs. So he has around 4 hours of free time if you include the cycling.

I do love having half of the evening off, no complaints there and although he does less housework he does do the garden which is a lot of work so I feel that the division of labour is equal during the week. It's just that he has a three day weekend and I sometimes feel that he should help out a bit more then. But it's not like he does nothing at the weekends, he cycles for hours and does the garden and fixes whatever.

I think that the PP who said that a lot of it is tiredness is right. I never sleep through or sleep in and I feel so tired every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
housewifeandtea · 06/08/2021 14:54

No possible grandparent or relative available to help. We have two who live closeby but both are absolutely unsuitable in different ways. My dads an old drunk and MIL is unsuitable as well (long story why but trust me).

OP posts:
FatCatThinCat · 06/08/2021 15:02

We don't really have a rule about who does what. We're a team and work together to help and support each other. So when I'm exhausted DH will do whatever he needs to do to help me not be so exhausted and vice versa. It shouldn't be about keeping score of who's done what.

HealthKick2021 · 06/08/2021 15:06

It sounds like he does plenty but he could help with over nights on the weekend.
If you aren't working but he is, you should be doing the nights. Sorry you're tired all the time but that's the joys of having children I'm afraid.

It does get better though. 😊

HealthKick2021 · 06/08/2021 15:07

@HealthKick2021

It sounds like he does plenty but he could help with over nights on the weekend. If you aren't working but he is, you should be doing the nights. Sorry you're tired all the time but that's the joys of having children I'm afraid.

It does get better though. 😊

Weekday nights.
Kite22 · 06/08/2021 15:07

@234Pepperplant

When you have small children you do just both feel tired a lot and don’t get lots of free time. I’d say both of you are doing fairly well for free time actually. There are three days a week where there are two adults and one baby - you ought to be able to both get free time then, including the odd cycle ride if that’s what he wants to do. Plus you each have chilling time in the evening. I’m not really seeing the problem but it doesn’t sound like he’s being totally unreasonable. Babies are just hard work - think very carefully about a second because personally I found that was when all my free time went out the window!
This. I am amazed at the time you have to go off and exercise / sit and watch netflix on a daily basis Shock
boringcreation · 06/08/2021 15:36

Why is your 8 month old waking 3 times a night? If it were me, that's the first thing I'd get sorted. I aimed to have mine sleeping through the night from around 6 weeks onwards, made life so much more bearable.

legosunqueen · 06/08/2021 15:46

But you must have some downtime during the day too while DC is napping? It sounds as if he does at least his fair share, given that he works FT...

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 06/08/2021 16:00

What does 'caring for dd' involve? Does it mean watching TV while cuddling her on his knee?

You should both be doing housework.

NotWanting · 06/08/2021 16:06

He should be doing half the night feeds over his 3 days off. He should be doing half the child care, cleaning and cooking on his 3 days off.

He is a lazy fuck.

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