should I raise moving in? What would you do!

[Kardon11]

Me and DP been seeing each other for a year next month. He can’t work from home, I can. This has meant I’ve been doing an hour or so commute most weeks to spend time together. I don’t mind this as I have flexible working. But it’s starting to irritate me a bit as we spend 2/3 nights together so I often feel like I’m having a bit of a nomad existence. Dp would come to me but because of his work it’s not as easy and could only stay a night otherwise he faces huge traffic on the way to work. He does offer though so that isn’t the issue.

He’s renting on a rolling tenancy. I own my house.

I want to suggest that we find a place we both like and move into a six month tenancy near where his current place is. Money isn’t an issue between us so financial logistics are irrelevant. But in the first instance I probably wouldn’t rent my place out.

This would make my life so much more settled. I have just as many friends where he is based as I do where my own home is. I also have an office in his city as well as in my own city so makes no odds for work, but as I say I work from home largely anyway.

The problem is he’s never lived with anyone before (late 30s) and we’ve been quite slow and steady up until now. I’m concerned if I raise this that he will not be receptive and then I will have wider questions about the relationship. Im really happy with him so don’t want to unnecessarily push things but also both our aims is to have a serious relationship and I do want to give things a go with him. The commuting is something that has pushed me to raise it sooner than I may otherwise have done but also after nearly a year I think it’s reasonable? I’m just not sure how I would react if he wasn’t keen on the idea…

What would you do?

You have presented how you feel in a well thought out way and are being very reasonable in considering the factors involved in taking things further.

I would initiate the conversation by saying that you are happy in the relationship and how does he feel in making a further commitment to make being together easier for you?

The only thing he may raise is that if it doesn’t work out you have your home to returns to and he will have given up his existing rented property.

Surely you should move into his for six months or so first, that way if it doesn't work he's still got a tenancy he could afford on his own and you still have your own place to go back to. If that works out look for a place together.

I think you should explain it to him very much as you have explained it here. Yes, I agree it is a risk because if he is not ready to move in yet then that will lead you to ask wider questions. But I think it is worth taking a leap of faith as he may say yes. Even if he’s not keen to move in yet you might understand his reasoning. Or if you think his reasoning is wishy washy, then that would also be good to know now in any case.

@KingdomScrolls

Surely you should move into his for six months or so first, that way if it doesn't work he's still got a tenancy he could afford on his own and you still have your own place to go back to. If that works out look for a place together.

This is the ideal starting point. If he's not receptive, you need to think about whether the relationship has a future and whether you're wasting your time. Good luck

I’m just not sure how I would react if he wasn’t keen on the idea…

Ok, but isn't it better to know? All I can say is tread very carefully, and a year may not be long enough to see if this relationship can go the distance. Your partner says he wants a serious future, but what do his actions say? It may be he's perfectly happy the way things are now with you making all the real effort. Whatever you do, don't even think of selling your home until he has proven he is as serious as you are.

Seems a bit full on to me. Why the rush? I am thinking you won't know him that we'll yet as most of your 12 months dating were through lockdown. I know you would have your house to fall back on but what about your dp?

I think suggesting you move in with him would be a better way to go about it. That way if it doesn't work, he can stay where he is and you can just go back to your home.

It's much less of an ask than asking him to give up his tenancy and move all his stuff into a place he may not be able to afford on his own when you have the safety net of your house to return to.

@Kardon11

Me and DP been seeing each other for a year next month. He can’t work from home, I can. This has meant I’ve been doing an hour or so commute most weeks to spend time together. I don’t mind this as I have flexible working. But it’s starting to irritate me a bit as we spend 2/3 nights together so I often feel like I’m having a bit of a nomad existence. Dp would come to me but because of his work it’s not as easy and could only stay a night otherwise he faces huge traffic on the way to work. He does offer though so that isn’t the issue.

He’s renting on a rolling tenancy. I own my house.

I want to suggest that we find a place we both like and move into a six month tenancy near where his current place is. Money isn’t an issue between us so financial logistics are irrelevant. But in the first instance I probably wouldn’t rent my place out.

This would make my life so much more settled. I have just as many friends where he is based as I do where my own home is. I also have an office in his city as well as in my own city so makes no odds for work, but as I say I work from home largely anyway.

The problem is he’s never lived with anyone before (late 30s) and we’ve been quite slow and steady up until now. I’m concerned if I raise this that he will not be receptive and then I will have wider questions about the relationship. Im really happy with him so don’t want to unnecessarily push things but also both our aims is to have a serious relationship and I do want to give things a go with him. The commuting is something that has pushed me to raise it sooner than I may otherwise have done but also after nearly a year I think it’s reasonable? I’m just not sure how I would react if he wasn’t keen on the idea…

What would you do?

OP I'd just ask him. If you're late 30s and he isn't ready yet, and won't be ready or is scared off.by the question, better you know now. If he's into it, great! You have every right to ask and you've been together long enough for it to be a normal question.

One thing I’ve realized over the years is that logistics and convenience should never be reasons to justify living together. If it’s time to move in together, it should be because you think this is the final trial run on the rest of your life together. Otherwise, keep a separate home.

Probably should consider living together as you can't bear to be apart rather than to make your life more settled. Personally I wouldn't care to live with a partner again. That doesn't mean I wouldn't want to share my life with someone but I don't want to share my living space !