How to help my Dad (depression and self care)

[Mountaingoatling]

I need a kick. But a practical one!

My Dad was an alcoholic for many years, was abused as a child. In short, he's always been troubled.

Now 70, his house is squalid, he doesn't wash himself, clean, he sits in a chair chain smoking all day. He will no longer read a book or watch a film. He barely leaves the house.

After years of trying to get him to do things, eat better etc it is clear...he will not.

I live some distance from him, but closer than my other siblings and I am closer with him too.

How can I help. An intervention is needed...phone his GP? Social services?

Or leave him to go on like this...

I want to help him. I don't know how.

My brother offered to pay for a cleaner but the state of his house means I have not found one who will do it. For any money.

Please help.

Is he no longer drinking? If so that makes trying to help him more possible.

You can ask social services for a care needs assessment: www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/help-from-social-services-and-charities/getting-a-needs-assessment/

He would need to cooperate in answering their questions, but it’s worth speaking to them about the whole situation first. I’d imagine that would lead to help with cleaning his house.

You can also talk to his GP abs explain the situation, I’ve found it’s worth saying straight off that you realise they will not be able to comment in any way that breaks your Dad’s confidentiality.

Do you feel that he just wants to be left in peace to presumably decline, or do you think he would like some care?

Thanks so much @SparklingLime.

He has started drinking again. I'd say it's nothing like before. But after 20 years sober, it does make me sad...but then his pleasures are so few it's hard to begrudge him.

The link is brill. He has said if I call social services he will cut me out of his life for ever. And called me a little bitch (he doesn't normally speak to like this...he is very suspicious of authorities as his abuse was from Catholic priests). I know social services are not Catholic priests from the 1960s, but in my Dad's head, authorities are mistrusted. I will consult with my aunt and siblings on this.

Yes, I will call his GP. I have tried but the queues on the phone are so incredibly long. I will try harder.

Thank you.

To answer your big question, yes I think his deep desire is to be left alone and probably to die quite soon and painlessly. He complains of being bored. I think that's the only thing that gives me hope!

It’s so sad. Has he other health issues that he has contact with a GP for? I expect you could request a female social worker if that would help.

After a lot of fuss, my dad accepted a private carer just to clean once a week. She had a fantastic manner and he eventually accepted her as a daily carer when he needed it.

Perhaps look for a local cleaning firm that do ‘end of let’ cleaning - they’ve seen it all!

@SparklingLime I can tell you understand. Both very helpful suggestions. Annoyingly he sees his GP very frequently and he has told me his GP is mad as she keeps asking him if he is depressed and given him leaflets on local social groups!!!

I'm bumping this in case anyone else can advise.

You might find it helpful to read and post on the Elderly Parents board: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents

@Mountaingoatling this is so very sad, your Dad is very lucky to have you & your family & PP have given good advice.

There are many layers here, childhood sexual abuse, the church, alcohol misuse, getting older, depression, mistrust, & not believing in therapy - talking or medication (or perhaps that's just my Dad).

Age UK may have helpful advice.

Your Dad's GP would need your Dad's consent to discuss his medical problems with you, but you can tell them about your concerns & they would follow up on this. Perhaps you can do an econsult with the GP practice if you continue to have difficulty getting through by phone.

This is an organisation for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse
www.thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support

Thank you @Newhorizon21

I don't want the GP to talk to me...I want to tell them how he's acting so that they know and maybe will talk to him as my words don't get through.

He's very respectful of doctors, so this is my hope x