How do you teach boundaries to a 3 yo

[Dopeoplesharethis]

My now 3y and 9 m daughter is very social and whenever we go out at playgrounds she is very popular and makes friends. Same at nursery, she knows everyone's name, she is very caring if someone is upset and generally a very happy child.

However, she has a habit of befriending the parents/nannies/grandparents too and 5 minutes after meeting them she is hugging them, tries to hold their hands, follows them around the playgrounds etc. And quite frankly most of these adults don't like it. It happened today when she grabbed the legs of a dad at the playground, giving him a hug, literally 5 min after meeting him. I told her we don't hug strangers, we play with the kids but don't hug their daddies or mummies as they don't like it. It put her off and she didn't want to play with the kids anymore.

I don't want to make her self conscious but this behaviour drives me and DH mad. A couple of weeks ago we found ourselves following a family at the zoo, just because she befriended this little girl and wouldn't let go of her. We finally had to grab her and go in a different direction as the other family weren't interested in making friends. I just don't think this is very common behaviour, haven't seen other children behave like this before. Can anyone relate and has a word of advice?

Our eldest was very much like that, thankfully she's grown out of it at 11! But it was always very awkward.

Do you and your husband play a lot with her? I don't mean that as a criticism, but I found the eldest was moving between sets of grandparents for childcare during working days, and often wondered if her behaviour was related to slight attachment issues or lack of interaction with younger children.

I hear you. Dd is similar. We try to say stuff like you only kiss family. You can hug your family and the grown ups at school and afterschool club. Encourage high 5s.

@Unihorn we do interact with her a lot. But I appreciate it might not be enough? I'm a sahm and my husband is working from home most days so she sees a lot of us. We read books, play games, go out together. We put her into a nursery since she was just under 2 and she never needed settling, she was just so happy being there, interacting with everyone. She's been going to nursery even through the last few lockdowns, 3 times a week. I think that is really plenty of interaction with both young children and adults.

I think it's your responsibility to keep closer to your child in these situations. I am a nanny and constantly have other children following us around the park/ library / wherever we go because I am constantly interacting with her and other kids want to join in on the fun.

Your child is only 3, if her and another child want to play independently with each other let them crack on, but please don't let her tag along with other family's because I promise you they don't want an extra child to look after! Especially confident children who tend to take over when I'm being paid to look after my charge who is rather shy and doesn't want boisterous strangers muscling their way in!

Sorry for the rant I'm sure you appreciate your child being entertained by others but it's really annoying to be the adult on the other side.

[quote Dopeoplesharethis]@Unihorn we do interact with her a lot. But I appreciate it might not be enough? I'm a sahm and my husband is working from home most days so she sees a lot of us. We read books, play games, go out together. We put her into a nursery since she was just under 2 and she never needed settling, she was just so happy being there, interacting with everyone. She's been going to nursery even through the last few lockdowns, 3 times a week. I think that is really plenty of interaction with both young children and adults.[/quote]
Definitely doesn't sound like the same as with us then! I thought maybe she wasn't in a nursery so was more used to adult interaction, I always thought that was our eldest's problem.

@pompompo I appreciate your rant, but it's completely irrelevant to my case. We don't want anyone entertaining DD, except for us, our relatives and her nursery teachers. I am always behind her but she interacts with other children who have adults with them and she gets friendly with everyone. I'm trying not to interfere constantly in her play as that would not be fun. But if she gets too friendly with an adult I completely remove her from the situation! It's just that it's frustrating she feels the need to hug and be friendly with adult strangers, hence my post on here.

I know a few pretty awful nannies, one in particular is in charge with one of DD's friends and we usually meet before lunch until before dinner. She never ever brings any lunch or snacks for the little girl (I'm always bringing extra snacks she might enjoy), she never offers her any water, she takes her out to meet the nanny's adult male and female friends (to make nanny's job a bit more social and fun I assume) and is constantly on her phone. I'm really not going to have a rant at you for this kind of unprofessional behaviour.

@Dopeoplesharethis I don't think it's irrelevant in your case as in your own words:

"she has a habit of befriending the parents/nannies/grandparents too and 5 minutes after meeting them she is hugging them, tries to hold their hands, follows them around the playgrounds etc."

This is what I was referring to, as the adult on the other end of this it's very frustrating and you shouldn't be allowing it to happen. I wasn't having a go, just giving advice that you asked for

I'm not sure what your friends nanny has to do with anything?

@pompompo that's why I'm posting it, to ask for advice! Not to be told how frustrating it is and that I probably enjoy my DD being entertained by others! Totally opposite, I do not want any stranger entertaining my DD.

I know it's frustrating for the other adult, very frustrating for me too. These things are happening very quickly and I remove her from the situation as soon as I can, which always leads to crying. What I'm asking is how can I teach my 3 yo boundaries so that she doesn't behave like this.

@Dopeoplesharethis ok what I meant was that you shouldn't be allowing this behaviour

"A couple of weeks ago we found ourselves following a family at the zoo, just because she befriended this little girl and wouldn't let go of her."

By following another family around the zoo you are actively encouraging / allowing this, you said yourself the other family weren't interested so you should have taken your daughter to a different area as soon as she joined them.

I know it's sad for you daughter as she just wants to make friends but after a quick hi to another child if they aren't interested in playing with her then take her to another area of the park and distract her. Sounds like she gets plenty of child interaction from nursery and play dates so she won't suffer from not making friends with kids at the park.

She sounds very sweet and it's great she's so confident and wants to make friends with everyone, it will serve her well in the future!

I have the same with my 3 Yo DD op, my first 3 kids kept themselves to themselves but youngest would go off with Freddie Kruger after 2 minutes! Tells everyone she "love you so much" straight away and loves hugs. She's in nursery a few times a week and we do a lot together but she will always seek out other kids and their families. Her older brother (half) was like it as a child and has been diagnosed with what would have been aspergers in old terms so I'm fully expecting a similar diagnosis for DD when she's older. All I do is say that hugs are not for other mummies and daddies. With her older brother, when he was a year older so 4, I used to say it was ok to talk the grown up if I was talking to the grown up but no cuddles.
I get how hard it is. 2 seconds of me not looking and a stranger mention of puppies in van and I've lost her forever. Love she's sociable but can't wait until she's older to explain why we don't hug everyone!

My eldest was similar, not fully huggy but very chatty and dads at the park in particular would look very embarrassed, they no doubt were worried about being accused of something sinister! I understand the predicament, you're glad she's confident, sociable, you dont want to crush that by dragging her away from every single social interaction as @pompompo suggests. You don't want to inadvertently turn her the other way and give her a complex, feeling that talking to adults or even other children is somehow shameful because mummy is clearly embarrassed by it.
It's about balance, gentle explanations and knowing that she will grow out of it, it takes a while. My eldest is 8 now and still confident and chatty but has gained a lot more of the natural social boundaries. I think a lot of it comes from being at school with teachers who have a certain distance and authority. At nursery all the adults are huggy and like family, even the parents at the door always hug and kiss their kids and have a little chat, so it can be a natural assumption that all adults in general are like this.

OP, I've only had this once with my DC (a particularly fun and friendly dad who was interacting beautifully with his 3yo twins and inadvertently "lured" my DC away from his boring mummy by pretending to be a lion ). I honestly think my DC would have gone home with him, it was so embarrassing . I can understand how awkward it must be if it happens on a regular basis. In our case, the dad said he didn't mind but I did remove my DC from mauling him after 10 minutes with the lure of an ice cream.

Could you ask your DD to save her cuddles for Mummy because Mummy likes them better than anyone else? Apart from that, maybe up your game and lure your child back to you with bubbles, snacks or lion impressions? The only problem is that you'll have the other kids bothering you then .

@CMSdividend thank you for your post. Sorry I only managed to read it today. Your DD sounds very much like mine. She always seeks other children and their families and leaves the boring me behind. I did think about Aspergers. At what point did you older child get assessed? Were there other red flags? x

@Spottysausagedogs thank you. Glad to hear your DD has gained some natural social boundaries. I'm trying to explain to DD that hugs are only for family and close friends and I'm gently removing her from embarrassing situations but I find it very hard and upsetting at the moment.

@Dopeoplesharethis it has only been in the last year or so and he's 11, always displayed the same behaviour but his mum and dad just buried their heads about it (whole other thread). He did things like hug ride attendants pre-Covid, everyone was his best friend straight away, made a beeline for groups of kids who were quite obviously engrossed in a game and tried to dominate. Gets involved in things adults are doing. Struggles to make long term friends as he takes over or sulks. But as I said, they ignored the situation. I can see the same things in DD so am getting the right support in place, her nursery are fantastic.