Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Wise MN Ideas for Kindly Turning Down an Invitation...

20 replies

SingingInTheShithouse · 05/08/2021 11:44

We have couple friends who are part of our wider social circle. Get on fine with both, don't dislike either of them, but I have really struggled with what can be very full on attention from the wife, who for some reason pin pointed me as best "girly" mate material & would literally corner me when ever we went out as a group, to the point where I stopped going as it was so bloody tedious & she's very thick skinned, so never took hints.

TBH there was a time she totally got on my tits, but I've realised over the years, she not actually a bad person, she's actually really nice, kind etc & part of her full on bluntness is cultural & id say a large part she was a very spoilt MC only DC, so can be quite entitled in her behaviour at times, something that never sits well with me.

We are just very different people & I honestly can't say we have any common ground at all bar polite chit chat. They have no kids (from choice), she's never had a career & they are wealthy so she's never needed to work, but has done part time voluntary work for a few years, which recently came crashing down with her having accusations of improper behaviour thrown at her. Lots of dramatic posts about it on Facebook etc & tbh, knowing her, I can absolutely see that she probably did do as accused, but just didn't realise it could be seen badly & break rules.

TBH in her support, it was a very OTT reaction from the charity manage who banned all staff from speaking with her. I don't know the full ins & outs, we aren't close & I'd prefer to keep it that way, but I suspect she borrowed a donated item & it was seen as theft.

I feel bad as DH & I have wondered if she's okay from some of her posts & maybe even drunk when posting, she had some drink issues in the past. But conversations with her in the past tend to be one way & literally wear me out. She talks at me, presumes interests I don't have & finished my friggin sentences for me, generally pinning me in a corner that required loo breaks to escape & then she'd follow me to wherever I escaped to after the loo.

I think my ex career interests her & makes her think we have, common ground as she always want to talk clothing & make up etc. Asks my advice on say a scarf colour combination with her outfit & then answers for me, say she knows I'd get it & agree as I have such good taste etc, when I literally can't get a word in edge ways Confused

I liked a post of hers on Faceache last night which has lead to her sending me several messages overnight, inviting me for a "girly get together, just the two of us" & the whole idea fills me with dread. I have good reason to say no for the next 2 weeks as my vaccine won't have kicked in until then, but I know she won't hear no, but not now & will push for a meet as soon as I can

Admittedly I am an anti social cow, health problems/disability have taught me to spend my time wisely & not put myself in situations I'm not happy with. I can be very blunt & take no shit when the person is an arse, but she isn't, she's just not my cup of tea & the only way I could get through a meet with her is to be completely false & happily chat about stuff I've no interest in etc, but that's just not me. I have little spare energy to see actual long time close friends, let alone make new ones with people I don't really gel with IYSWIM

I don't want to upset her though as she isn't a bad person, especially if she's fragile atm, but meeting up fills me with dread as I know how it will go, plus it will put me in a best mate box as far as she's concerned & it won't be a one off

Ideas on how I can politely, but very firmly say no, not now, not ever, without risking hurting her, which I really don't want to do, especially atm

Help Blush

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 05/08/2021 11:51

You've said she isn't an arse, at the end of a long post giving multiple examples of why you think she's an arse.

Most fb 'let's meet up!' messages aren't intended to be taken seriously. Just make vague mumblings then don't arrange anything. Or simply ignore.

SingingInTheShithouse · 05/08/2021 11:58

Oh she absolutely can behave like a bit of an arse, but I genuinely don't think she has a bad bone in her body & doesn't mean it in the way it comes across . It's very difficult to explain

OP posts:
Stormyequine · 05/08/2021 12:15

I don't think there is a way of doing it without hurting her feelings to be honest. I think I'd just keep telling her you are busy, but you may end up having to be blunt and just tell her the truth.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 05/08/2021 12:18

Just do the British ‘what a lovely idea’, but busy at the moment, perhaps in the autumn...

Kinsters · 05/08/2021 12:18

Try and be non-committal but if that doesn't work then you'll have to bite the bullet and either tell her the truth or suck it up and hang out with her. That's all you can do really.

romdowa · 05/08/2021 12:21

You can't meet as you are so busy with appointments, diy, etc etc etc and really bore her with all your mundane domestic tasks. So hopefully she won't ask again 🤣🤣

Mamette · 05/08/2021 12:28

She talks at me, presumes interests I don't have & finished my friggin sentences for me, generally pinning me in a corner that required loo breaks to escape & then she'd follow me

Sorry but how is she not an arse? Just fob her off, she sounds crackers.

cherrypiepie · 05/08/2021 12:35

You needs to practise your fob offs!

Just say "oh yes that would be fab- I will let you know next week-leave jt with me"

Which is code for "you will never hear from me again"

Add a 👍🏼 to seal "the conversation is over" message

Galassia · 05/08/2021 12:36

I’ll let you know when I’m free.

Simple and go the point.

Galassia · 05/08/2021 12:36

^^ to

Flyinggeese1 · 05/08/2021 12:47

OP you say ‘we’ but don’t say who that refers to. If this is a mutual friend then do it can be tricky and you’ll maybe need more tact.

If only you affected then I’d do as others have suggested and give noncommittal replies.

SmallChairs · 05/08/2021 12:47

She sounds as if she will require bluntness, to be honest. I’m also a bit puzzled at you concluding she’s ‘not a bad person’, as literally everything you say about her makes her sound awful, even aside from the serious-sounding volunteering situation.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 05/08/2021 12:50

“I can’t just now, but I hope you’re keeping well x”

SingingInTheShithouse · 05/08/2021 14:10

Thanks everyone. I had some slim hope of a magic answer to avoid hurting her feelings as from her posts I can see she is missing her old friendships from her homeland. She was there recently & clearly had a great time with old friends & I suspect that's prompted her to reach out, especially as I can see she's bored & a bit lonely with losing her charity work & her DH out at work

Excuse not tagging people, but in answer to a few questions

"We" means DH & I. & TBH there wouldn't be ramifications within that friendship group, because she isn't well liked. Though her DHs long time best friends wife saw her as I do, bloody annoying, but actually a kind hearted & sensitive person & that part of her issues are cultural & also probably being a spoilt OC & she can be just so unaware, to the point we've even questioned if she was on the spectrum, but decided that was unlikely. Given there are no real other traits. Sadly that friend is no longer with us, or I could talk to her

She can be obnoxious, but unlike others I've known who are self obsessed, she's genuinely heartbroken if she realises she's upset or annoyed people. As I said, it's very difficult to explain unless you know her.

The English fob off wouldn't work as even having lived here for decades, she would take it as a yes & would remind me again & again... tried it years ago & eventually used work commitments & distanced myself

I'm just going to have to take the bull by the horns & be blunt aren't I Sad

Thinking of maybe blaming myself for being an antisocial cow & that I don't do meet ups as I don't enjoy them not with her at least can't drink etc, so I'm not good company & fingers crossed the kind side of her doesn't then see me as a project to drag out of my shell

I've now had 7 messages, last one saying how much she's looking forward to spending time with me 🥴 I feel rotten, but I just can't

OP posts:
Derbee · 05/08/2021 14:15

I would stop “liking” her posts - she’s clearly getting mixed signals from you. Or at least it’s confusing for her.

“Thanks for the invite, but I don’t really fancy it” should be enough?

Beachbabe1 · 05/08/2021 14:19

Your post exactly defines why i have ditched facebook and reduced my circle. Why waste life pretending to like people you clearly aren't suited to!! You say she's part of your wider circle so you must meet up regularly? Approaching 40, I realise I have no time for people like this. Why don't you take the same approach?

SingingInTheShithouse · 05/08/2021 14:21

@Derbee

Good point & one I've realised myself. Unfortunately I don't think she really gets Facebook & seems she takes likes & comments more seriously that the rest of us do. She tags & comments "thank you, glad you like my photo" to anyone liking her posts for example

OP posts:
SingingInTheShithouse · 05/08/2021 14:28

Approaching 40, I realise I have no time for people like this. Why don't you take the same approach?

I'm older & trust me, as a rule I really do & don't pull any punches either. But, she genuinely isn't a bad person, just very different to me, but she somehow seems to have missed that & atm I'm concerned she seems quite fragile. Her DH is really lovely too & he worships her, & I don't want to cause him any additional stress, when she's already having a hard time

We don't meet up anymore as I generally don't go along, just very, very occasionally if there's a good reason to & not fir a long time given lockdown etc.

OP posts:
SingingInTheShithouse · 05/08/2021 15:11

Oh well, ive bit the bullet & have been honest to a point, without hopefully hurting her feelings 🤞🤞

Thanks for your help

OP posts:
Flyinggeese1 · 07/08/2021 19:37

Good luck Singing, hope it works out.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread