Tips on how to summon the patience needed to parent

[Londono]

I've had (like us all) a very difficult 18 months and I've got a lot on my plate at work/home/financially etc. I am snappier with the DC, 13 and 10, than I'd like to be.

I know the flashpoints are often when we are running late - so I snap at them - at bedtime when they are pushing their luck or simply when something doesn't go to plan/they make more mess doing something like baking than I'd like.

I'm on a low dose of citalopram but I'd like to be less snappy with them although I find that I ask them nicely generally at least once before I bark at them.

What do you do to preempt these feelings/situations?

Things I'm thinking about that could help

1. Being stricter with bedtimes - I know I'm too slack with them
2. Less screen time for us all - arguments can surround me asking DD to put her phone down for five minutes
3. At least an hour exercise every day - we do usually do this and we are all more settled afterwards
4. Clearer about my expectations with them
5. Get them to share the duties of the household more than they currently do. So then I won't feel so pissed off that it is me cleaning the kitchen yet again.

Any other tips/advice are gratefully received!

If running late is a common flashpoint then do what you can to avoid this. This could be:

Making them get bags/outfits ready the night before

Telling them you need to be there half hour earlier than you actually do

Doing less, maybe you're running late because you're trying to fit too much in?

Letting them be late and experience the consequences of that

Doing fewer activities that require a set time arrival.

Sitting down as a family and making a plan to be better at time management. Let them have a say/give ideas so it's a team effort rather than you nagging them.

And do the same with bedtime and mess.

Make bedtime later (but don't tell them so they still think they're getting away with it).

Come up with a team plan, take their views into consideration.

Move showers/bedtime activities earlier in the day e.g. showers and PJ's at 8pm, but bed not till 10pm etc.

Also, just take a deep breath, look at the sky and say through gritted teeth 'this too shall pass' or 'I was like this at their age, they will grow out of it'.

Thanks @NuffSaidSam.

I think if I can crack the bedtimes then the mornings might be easier but DD in particular is such a slow coach getting ready and has missed the school bus more than once for example. Which means I have to drive her which makes me late etc.

And it is me that cares about her being late for school/activities that I've paid for more than her!

I definitely need to get them on board more so plan to put these suggestions to them and ask for their ideas too.

Get good sleep yourself

Get them helping with everyday chores

Stay off or limit alcohol - it makes me snappy the next day

Be out of the house for a few hours at a time

Much more exercise

'And it is me that cares about her being late for school/activities that I've paid for more than her!'

What happens of she's late for school? Will she get a detention? That's what needs to happen she needs to feel the consequences. Could she walk to school if she misses the bus?

With activities is there any consequence for being late? Try and find a way so that she feels the consequences not you!

@NuffSaidSam - she couldn't walk to school (too far and windy country roads) but I could make her wait until I was ready to leave for work anyway. And yes, that might mean a late mark or similar which she wouldn't like and perhaps that's what needs to happen.

No consequences for being late for activities except having a stressed mum in the car as I hate them being late! I could create a consquence though, if we don't leave on time through their dilly dallying then no phone after the activity.

There’s a lot on here about what they can do but you’re the one snapping so you need to focus on yourself before asking them to change.

This is what helps me be more patient with my toddler and dh:

Pilates in a proper group class at least once a week.

Some basic yoga with breathing every morning before anyone else gets up.

Get myself to bed by 10pm every night.

Touch base with my friends regularly and join MeetUp groups, so I have one or two evenings a week where I can socialise seperate from the kids / dh outside of a fitness setting. This has actually helped me the most.

Daily brisk walking by myself - just a brisk 30min walk does wonders to clear your head. Then you can do something later with the kids.

Count to 10 and take deep breaths before responding to anything when you’re angry.

Regular sex helps me - at least every other day but only if it’s good sex lol

Yes I would definitely let her get a late mark. She needs to feel the consequences.

Natural consequences are better so I wouldn't take her phone away, but I would maybe say that you're not paying for activities that she's missing time from because she's late. Her speak to the teacher and ask them to comment on her lateness when she arrives late. Are any of the sports? Normally they're good at encouraging commitment which includes turning up to training on time.

I do need to change but I'm trying to address the flashpoints that I know can lead to me snapping too.

I absolutely need to get myself into a better sleep routine.

I also could try counting to 10 too.

No chance of regular sex at the moment unfortunately!

Yes, mostly sports which are so good for them. I don't want to say anything that I wouldn't follow through on so I know I wouldn't cancel activities as I like them doing them.

Do the sports coaches not mind them rocking up late? If not then I don't suppose there is much you can do.

It isn't v late - often only 5 mins and play hasn't started yet. I just prefer them being there ready in time for it to start.

I’ve started telling my children when they’re making me cross before I get snappy. Then they’re pre-warned that continuing on their current path will result in me shouting.

10 and 13 are old enough to learn that if they aren’t sticking to timings or listening to requests you’re going to get annoyed. You’re teaching them a valuable life lesson!

@Glassbook One part of me very much agrees with this but then their 'D'f was abusive and always said I drove him to it and I don't want to blame them for my shouting.

They are adolescents though and know how to push their luck!

Sorry their dad was abusive @Londono. It’s a tricky path to walk. Don’t be too hard on yourself though. We’re human and we aren’t perfect. We’re going to have days when we snap. (I also feel I’m far too snappy btw.)

It is a tricky path and I think it makes me too permissive in some ways and then snap when I can see it is getting late, for example.

Firmer boundaries and rules might preempt some of these situations and I'll try some deep breaths too.

@Londono that sounds like a really good plan.