I'm sorry to hear that. It makes even more sense for you to be struggling with anxiety in the way you describe - you went through a life-threatening experience and this is a natural reaction. You've been through a traumatic time.
If it's been going on for more than 3 months since your treatment ended with no sign of improvement them it would not be unreasonable to ask your GP to refer you for support.
I didn't ask the question to "get at" you, but to understand better so I could try and be more useful. I'm not judging you.
It feels like I am worry about every single thing that might happen in the future and imaging the worse
Ok, so these thoughts will be creating your anxious emotions and causing the panic. Thoughts are not facts, and they're separate from your feelings.
It is really important for you to find ways to come back to the present, as travelling off into the future and worrying about things that are not happening is no good for you.
None of those things has happened and they are not real, but your brain is reacting as if they are because you're immersing yourself in the worry so deeply.
It sounds like CBT strategies to help you untangle your thoughts and reframe things could help you in the long term - different thoughts will mean different feelings. It can also teach you strategies to cope with overwhelming moments.
Breathing exercises are good. That's a great skill to have. Keeping a notebook by your bed to write down worries and hold them for you so you can sleep is something lots of people find helpful - I used to do this a lot.I
short term...
But more immediately there are 3 things you can do to help you cope with how things are right now to get things a bit more stable before you are able to take on something like trauma-focused CBT:
- Safety
- Grounding
- Soothing
Safety - focus on things that make you feel safe again. Remind yourself you are safe if you feel a worry about the future consuming you - say out loud to yourself "I am safe" or "it's not happening right now". Just a simple phrase repeated, nothing too long or wordy.
Maybe you have a particular place or a body position that makes you feel a bit safer, e.g. While you focus on slowing your breathing down maybe it helps to have your back against a wall or to be seated or to clasp your hands together gently.
*Grounding" - this means bringing yourself back to what is happening in the present rather than your worries about the future. In the present you are safe and in the present you only need to deal with one thing at a time.
Slowing down your breathing is a great first step in grounding (do you have the Breathe app? It may help too). Then bring your attention back to where you are now - what can you see? What can you hear? What can you touch? What can you smell? What can you taste?
Pay attention to those things. Like for me right now, I can feel the chair supporting me, the carpet underneath my toes. I can feel a slight cool breeze and I can hear cars going by and a pigeon cooing.
Your mind will drift back to the future, but every time it does gently bring it back to the present. Some people use a technique called 5-4-3-2-1, which is a more structured version of the above: find 5 things you can hear, 4 things you can see, 3 you can touch, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. (Or whichever senses you want to match the numbers to.)
Soothing - this means calming your nervous system down from this hyper -alert state you're always in at the moment. Again breathing is very useful here.
Finding time each day to do one thing just because it makes you feel good is useful. It is important to find time for positive things each day.
Adopting a kinder voice to yourself. When we show compassion to ourselves it has the same effect on our nervous system as when another person is compassionate to us. Be reassuring and encouraging, "I understand that this is tough, but you're doing really well".
You could write a little letter to yourself offering reassurance and reminding you of safety, grounding, and soothing, and the techniques you use - sometimes we forget the things that are useful when we panic so having them written down in an encouraging way can help. You could save this on your phone so you can read it when away from home.
Gather a collection of things that help you when you feel very anxious or distressed. You could keep them in a special box or just have them together somewhere or even just have a list to remind you of what is useful. You could have one or two that you can take with you, perhaps one to have in your pocket at work to hold when you feel overwhelmed.
It can be useful to include things for each of your senses - so maybe a fragrance that you find comforting, your favourite snack, a soft blanket or jumper or teddy. Simple activities to distract you from your worries - puzzles, jigsaws, colouring, etc. Photos of loved ones or places that bring back happy memories (you could save these on your phone too in a folder together). Music that comforts you or brings you hope. A letter to yourself offering comfort and hope.
more generally...
Distraction activities can also be useful more generally - you can get colour by numbers apps. Puzzle apps.
It can help to set times that you are going to do nice activities, not just work and chores. Some people do a very simple timetable to help them deliberately add good stuff in, some people put things in their phone calendar. Some people just build a habit, e.g. Doing 5 minutes of colouring in every tea break as a starting point.
If you are able to go for walks and do light exercise that can help reduce anxiety. If you have friendships outside of work, spending time with people can help rather than becoming more isolated.
Keep in mind that a lot of your anxiety is your brain playing catchup to process everything you went through with your illness. You probably spent most of that period in survival mode which was what you needed to get through, but it means that your brain also suspended memory processing and now needs to catch up. Which would be why you have so many intense emotions about terrible things happening to you - they belong to the past but they got a bit out of sync.
Until our brain processes memories and tags them as "in the past" before putting them into archives, they still have a tag of "live action" so when the memories get stirred up it feels as vivid and as threatening as if it were really still happening. But it's not, and that's why it helps to tell yourself that out loud.
Although it feels shit, it is a positive sign that your brain has come out of survival mode and has started trying to process all these historic emotions - it means the natural healing process has started. If you can care for yourself through that, you will come out the other side of it.
Perhaps for now focus on stabilising how you feel (safety, grounding, soothing) and then as things freethinkers more manageable and you are getting more sleep, you can look at how to take some more steps towards bigger goals like building relationships at work?
Stay in the present and just focus on doing one thing at a time, one step at a time. Every time your mind flies off to the future, gently bring it back to the present.
I hope this makes a little sense and that perhaps there will be one or two strategies you find useful. 