Why am I like this and how to stop?

[Teetyui]

I analyse everything. It works well for my job, less so for relationships. Examples:

1. He puts one less kiss or no kiss on a text
2. He has a shorter than usual phone call with me , could be for any reason like being tired
3. He wants to go to bed early when we are apart…so we don’t have a phone call. I read into this massively.
4. He forgets to do something he said he’d do for me like checking car tyres etc
5. He texts late on in the evening after work

This is just a sample of things I worry about. I analyse it completely and always reach the same conclusion - he’s not that bothered or is feeling differently about us.

Why do I do this? How can i stop?

It’s ruined all my relationships so far and I feel this is why I am single :(

It could well be because of the way you view yourself - that you're not worthy of a relationship or that you are unloveable. Have a look at this article on core beliefs and see if it resonates with you.

This will ruin any relationship you ever have. When you start to over analyse, recognise you're being unreasonable, give yourself a good shake, and do something to distract yourself.

It might help in those moments to think how you'd feel if he questioned you for doing the same things. I bet you wouldn't be very happy with him.

It's great that you recognise that you are doing things which may be unhelpful to your relationship and happiness. Have you considered counselling just for you, to help work this through?

It sounds like you are really lacking self-confidence and have very low self-esteem.

I would look into counselling, to try and raise that a bit so you’re not relying on a relationship to make you feel good about yourself, but which ultimately makes you feel terrible because you don’t think you are worthy of their time.

@Teetyui

I analyse everything. It works well for my job, less so for relationships. Examples:

1. He puts one less kiss or no kiss on a text
2. He has a shorter than usual phone call with me , could be for any reason like being tired
3. He wants to go to bed early when we are apart…so we don’t have a phone call. I read into this massively.
4. He forgets to do something he said he’d do for me like checking car tyres etc
5. He texts late on in the evening after work

This is just a sample of things I worry about. I analyse it completely and always reach the same conclusion - he’s not that bothered or is feeling differently about us.

Why do I do this? How can i stop?

I don't think this is a problem with analysis, more a problem with self esteem & insecurity. You're always scared he won't think you're good enough and you're always feeling reactive to possible slights by him. You need to turn that on its head - let him impress you, let him show you he's good enough for you, stop second guessing everything.

Self-sabotage.
Why don't you want him to love you?

There is an excellent book for this -

Women who think too much by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema

How to break free of overthinking and reclaim your life.

It's no surprise that our fast-paced, overly self-analytical culture is pushing many people - especially women - to spend countless hours thinking about negative ideas, feelings, and experiences.

Renowned psychologist Dr Susan Nolen-Hoeksema calls this overthinking, and her groundbreaking research shows that an increasing number of women - more than half of those in her extensive study - are doing it too much and too often, leading to sadness, anxiety, and depression.

In Women Who Think Too Much, Nolen-Hoeksema shows us what causes so many women to be overthinkers and provides concrete strategies that can be used to escape these negative thoughts, move to higher ground, and live more productively. Women Who Think Too Much will change lives, and is destined to become a self-help classic.

@Teetyui

I analyse everything. It works well for my job, less so for relationships. Examples:

1. He puts one less kiss or no kiss on a text
2. He has a shorter than usual phone call with me , could be for any reason like being tired
3. He wants to go to bed early when we are apart…so we don’t have a phone call. I read into this massively.
4. He forgets to do something he said he’d do for me like checking car tyres etc
5. He texts late on in the evening after work

This is just a sample of things I worry about. I analyse it completely and always reach the same conclusion - he’s not that bothered or is feeling differently about us.

Why do I do this? How can i stop?

1. I assure you he isn't counting the number of kisses and the amount determines how much he likes you. I suggest you stop all the kisses in texts completely. They are unnecessary.

1. Some people just don't like to talk on the phone. Counting how long you spend talking on the phone has no significance on the quality of the relationship. Trying to add a time limit bar is insane and not something you should be doing past being a teenager. Don't try to make phone calls as long as possible because you think this means something. It sounds tiring and men will get fed up with the neediness very quickly.

1. Probably because you try to keep him on the phone for hours and he just wants to chill. I could see why anyone would want to escape the unnecessary phone calls.

1. Forgetting to do things isn't a big deal. It doesn't mean he likes you any less. He might just be lazy or ran out of time or busy... It's pretty odd that you are over thinking this

1. I don't understand? Do you mean he waits until late to text you? Maybe he's busy. Cooking dinner...doing work....house work etc. Or maybe he knows you will want hours of significant time spent texting /calling so he puts it off as it's exhausting keeping up with your demands.

I would say that all of these things would be exhausting for any partner. I think you need some councilling as you won't be able to move on and treat someone like a normal person and have a proper partnership until you have worked through your issues.

Generally men want someone easy going for their life partner. You do not seem easy going at all.

I'm like this.A massive over thinker.Been married 5 years and together 9 and can't believe I haven't changed.

It seems like all your thoughts around his actions are with the mindset that you and your relationship are the reason behind all his decisions. When you’re not together there will be lots of other things influencing his thought process - like which tv programme he wants to watch, what he’s going to eat, enjoying a game online etc etc.

I agree that low self-esteem is at the root of the insecurity that leads you to engage in ultimately self-sabotaging behaviour. As a short-term measure you can adopt various practical strategies to stop yourself, such as sitting on your hands, distracting yourself, not doing anything until tomorrow, mindfulness strategies, et cetera.

But ultimately you will have to address the underlying lack of self-worth, because if you don't it'll blight your life, and not only with regard to romantic relationships.

I don't know the book suggested by @Galassia but it looks extremely useful. I'd also suggest
Women who love too much, by Robin Norwood,
The Six pillars of self-esteem, by Nathaniel Barden,