struggling with childhood

Paigef98 · 2021-08-02T23:43:53+00:00

Hi this is going to be a long post about my childhood (I know nobody probably cares but if you fancy a read then I'd love some advice) I am 22. My dad left my mum when she was pregnant with me to be with another woman. My grandad (mum's dad) died when I was 3 and then my dad got his new woman pregnant straight after. When his new baby was born my dad died in a car crash 9 months later when I was 4. All of this sent my mum into absolute turmoil as you can imagine and she had a "nervous breakdown" (she was later diagnosed with schizoprehnia). She was very ill, psychotic and unable to look after me. She needed help but never got it [sad] I was taken off her to live with my nan (her mum) when I was 4 or 5.. this is one of my first memories.. about 6 police men knocking down our door whilst my mum was screaming her head off and being restrained whilst they took me to my nans. Funnily enough I don't remember being scared, I was just shocked. It's definitely installed in my brain as a core memory. Another one of my first memories is my mum telling me my dad had passed away and I still remember her eyes, she looked very scary to me and just out of her mind. I didn't feel safe with her but I loved her. I have no memories of my dad and I have no pictures of me and him together. I also had no contact with my half sister growing up.. (but when he died his family stayed in contact with her and her mum and left me with my schizophrenic mum in a house alone) Anyway so now I am 4 or 5 years old living with my 65 year old Nan who didn't want me but felt it was her responsibility and I do think she tried her best but I was very emotionally neglected. My mum would come around banging on the doors and shouting and screaming cos she wanted me back and I know she loved me more than anything and I loved her more than anything too, I would've given anything to be with her and I spent so much time as a child breaking my heart cos I wanted to be with her [sad] It was the most awful feeling. She only got 3 supervised visits a week with me, as I got older I seen her more and even spent the night at hers but then because of everything that happened I started resenting her and I blamed her for a lot (I don't now I understand mental illness). She is a bit better now, she obviously still struggles a lot but she's not screaming in the street at nothing anymore. I lived with my Nan until I was 13. I became very angry and rebellious. At age 12 I was self harming, drinking, running away, having screaming fits basically acting just like how I seen my mum act when I was little, I was very suicidal and cried constantly. Had no help given to me, was just told I must be schizophrenic like my mum [hmm] I ran away to my friends at age 13 then went into foster care. At this point I was extremely suicidal, drinking out of control. I ran away for 10 days and when I came back I overdosed. I was sort of okay for a couple years and when I was 16 I went off the rails again, I used to drink alone in my bedroom at my foster home and cry [sad] I ran off one night with my friend and ending up having sex with a 24 year old man.. (looking back it's so gross I know) and then the police found me in a hotel room with him and my foster carer gave notice on me. I had sex with him because it made me feel close to him and I liked the attention he gave me, and I never had any affection off anyone. When I had sex with him I felt like I loved him straight away cos I was so desperate for love and all i ever felt was numb[sad] my foster carer only shouted at me and told me I'm a slut. She was more bothered about the babies she fostered. I moved to another foster home in a different town, and lived with the family who I lived with until I moved out last year aged 21. I still had major problems living with them and I never really got help. I would self harm, drink til I was blacked out even alone, I was very promiscuous sleeping around and never got help. I actually did quite well at school and went to college and worked part time. So this takes us to now... I moved out with my boyfriend of 2 years last year renting a flat, found a full time job and actually am doing quite well considering what I went through and the fact I have no family or friends lol. Work gives me stability am in a happy relationship. It's just feeling so lonely and out of place that bothers me and how I always think of everything I went through as a child. I blocked out a lot but the past couple years I think about my childhood probably daily. I don't feel as numb anymore and I do cry about it which I don't know if it's good or bad... I have never had a relationship with any of my dads family.. I swear half of them don't know I exist, I have my auntie (his sister) on Facebook who regularly sees my half sister. This makes me upset and angry.. I am angry that his family didn't bother with me after he died especially as they knew the state my mum was in, but can still bother with his other daughter! I have no relationship with my mums side of the family. Sometimes I speak to my mum on the phone but we have no real relationship and I haven't seen her in almost 2 years, plus she lives 40 miles away. It's hard to have a conversation with her and although I don't blame her anymore I still have some resentment towards her, especially cos she won't talk about anything that happened when I was young. I also have no friends as I moved town when I was 16 and was quite a mess from the age of 16-20. I had a few friends I went out with when I was 18/19 but that was just to go clubbing and get drunk and sleep around 😕 I stopped hanging out with them when I got with my partner when I was 20 and now I only really have him, my flat and my job. I don't know why I'm posting this, I guess I just want to know what you would do if this was you???? I feel like I do quite well. But a lot of the time I feel cripplingly lonely. Its easy for me to fall into a depression and I do sometimes drink when I'm feeling really really down, probably cos I've done this since I was 12. I always seem like I'm happy though to other people. Sometimes I don't really feel too bothered by all of this because I'm so used to being alone and feeling alone.. sometimes I sit and just cry thinking of my earliest memories about my mum, and then I feel guilty for not staying in touch with her l, and then i resent her etc etc. And then I sit and cry about not having a dad and how he left me for his new family and how his family didn't care about me but they cared about his other daughter. [sad] it can play on my mind a lot. Being lonely can be so awful, I don't have a family to share good news with or to fall back on, or anyone expect my boyfriend to be there for me, I have no one but my boyfriend to do things with ect ect [sad] I am just ranting cos like I say I am lonely and have no one to talk to lol but any advice at all would be appreciated. Sorry for the long read xx

MistySkiesAfterRain · 03/08/2021 04:42

Firstly you sound like a real credit to yourself op. Its a sad read of what you went through and it also stands out that the best role model in your life has been yourself. I don't feel qualified to give advice but can you speak to your GP, they may be able to refer you for counselling or an alcohol service that understand the complex motives and emotions around alcohol and help you with triggers and alternative strategies.

I'm also wondering whether finding some support groups of people who understand what you went through would help with feeling less alone. There is a Facebook group run by Winstons Wish the charity for bereaved children that helps adults who lost a parent as a child, here are the details:

www.winstonswish.org/adults-bereaved-as-children/

There's also a group called Mental Health Mates where people of all walks of life and backgrounds meet up for a walk and a chat, it might not be a thing you want to do but it could be something to start as you can dip in and out when you feel like it

www.mentalhealthmates.co.uk/

Are there any hobbies or anything you are interested in? That would help with meeting people and finding friends who you click with e.g classes, groups.

I think you have a lot to work through but also try and compartmentalise, go out for a walk, cook a nice meal or have a pamper, spend time in nature, get good sleep, make short term goals, have nice days with your partner, all of these things will help keep you focused on you and the present. I wish you well

MistySkiesAfterRain · 03/08/2021 04:43

Sorry, should have tagged
@Paigef98

AbsentmindedWoman · 03/08/2021 04:43

I'm so sorry, OP. You were dealt a fucking shitty hand, and it's not fair that now you're left with the trauma from it.

How is your financial situation now - would you be able to consider paying for some therapy? If not I wonder if there are any charities who could fund some for you as a young adult who spent time in foster care?

MistySkiesAfterRain · 03/08/2021 04:48

These are the young care leavers charity, who also have link up groups and a telephone line for advice:

becomecharity.org.uk

something2say · 03/08/2021 05:29

Hello. I agree with the other poster, that you're a credit to yourself.

I work with abuser survivors and this is my take on things.

You've missed out on a fundamental part of life, a family. The two who should have had a massive impact on your stability have both harmed it.

It is totally normal for you to feel the way you feel. And to have done the things you've done. I did the same. It is normal to cry, to hash it over and think of it all the time. I too had no friends. I too cried alone in my room.

My feeling is that events have wounded you. It must hurt so much to see how your dads family go on. Like you dont even exist.

But you DO exist. And a huge plus for you is that you're so young and aware, you can start to heal it. You have many years to heal it. It hurts because it is no small matter.

Definitely find a nice lady to go and see and talk to. Pay for it if you have to. It feels so good to be the person you are, you legitimise everything by bringing it into the light. It is ok to hurt. It comes to mind so much because it has been so traumatic and it's not normal or ok, and it will help to work through it. Dont be out there coping all alone, come on into the services where the women work to help other survivors, because we know what we are doing.

One thing I did was to start thinking, how has this affected me? What have I lost? Have a look at the outcomes you're coping with, like the impact on your relationships. This will help you assess what you need to do and help drag what happened into the light.

Also look at how things are now. Being so young, you probably dont know who you are yet. Play around with ideas, who am I, what do I like, what do I want to be?

Life is long and you have plenty of time to try on personas, behaviours. Find other women you admire and model yourself on them. Gradually shape yourself. Have a look around and pick the parts of life that you want for yourself. I'd say, dont be having babies too young either, it would be nice to have ten years of adult femalehood to enjoy life for a change.

And get books, on self image, healing, self esteem, anything you are drawn to. Learn how people respond to trauma like you've experienced. See what bits of the books you relate to. Aha, I do that. It will help you understand what you should have had, what not having it has done, and how you can make things better. Self help books are full of the right ideas, kind words, explanations of how shit family backgrounds affect us. You are not alone and you're not the first to walk this path. I even wrote a self help book myself, took me five years and is now published.

And over time, build up a friend here and there. Take time, friendship is a plant of slow growth. As the years go by, you will build better relationships. Some will fall away and dont blame yourself. I thought every relationship I ever had would last forever because I had big shoes of missing family to fill, but it most certainly didn't work out that way. You read it here first, it isn't always you. In time, your life will fill with people but take it steady xx

And do it from your own centre. Do I like this person, do I feel nice with them, do I trust them. Most people have a family to fall back on, but we don't and there are more lonely times for us but this fades as the years go by. Maintain a stable home for yourself no matter what and if ever things are rough, cling onto your home.

It is good that you work, good lass, good thinking. Are you good with money? That will always serve you well. You're going to need to maintain your own stability and money will help. Work is a tonic isnt it, a safety.

I wish I could give you a big sisterly hug xxx I want you to get out your pen and paper and start making lists of things you are going to do, and today get started. You're ok and everything is going to be ok xx get started though on living with it differently. You're not wrong, you're totally normal xxx I would say tho, be very careful with the booze. It is not your friend. Dont let it control you. X

TrampolineForMrKite · 03/08/2021 05:30

I’m so sorry for what happened to you @Paigef98. Some people really get the shit end of the stick when it comes to childhood, it’s so unfair.

My dad’s upbringing sounds very like yours in many respects. He was the product of a young teenage couple (aged 14 and 15) and born out of wedlock to his 14 year old mum in the early 1940s. It was all a terrible scandal. They married when my grandmother was 16 and my grandfather 17, my dad was two.

The marriage lasted almost no time at all; within the year my grandfather was drafted into the war and at the end of his service he just never came home. Disappeared off the face of the earth. His family claimed to my grandmothers family that the had no contact with him either after he went missing.

My grandmother had a nervous breakdown at this point. She couldn’t cope at all and for several months my now 3yo father was left alone, often for long periods of time like a few days, and expected to fend for himself while my grandmother was out drinking. Eventually she had a very bad episode of what was eventually diagnosed as schizophrenia. Her parents had been trying to help her, they lived locally, but she was the eldest of seven kids, the littlest of whom was only a baby himself when my dad was born, so my grandmothers behaviour, which she had managed to conceal to an extent, concerned them but they weren’t as worried about my dad’s welfare than they perhaps should have been.

Anyway, my grandmother was locked up on what was then called an asylum when my dad was three. He was taken in by his maternal grandparents, and whilst they kept and clothed and fed him, it was a very cold atmosphere and he was under no illusions that they saw him as a burden.

My grandmother never really recovered, she was an alcoholic and very mentally troubled all of her remaining life. My dad in the meantime spent his childhood very sad and feeling very unwanted and then from the age of about 12 or 13 going off the rails; drinking and being very promiscuous. He also had a terrible temper from an early age and would fight and be very angry.

His saving grace was meeting my mum and creating his own family. They met when he was 25 and she really helped to salve his wounds. I had a very happy childhood for the most part, although my dad still had a bad temper. However, when my dad was around 40 he discovered that his father, who he had no memory of and who he never saw again after he left my grandmother, had died. This hit him very hard and he had a nervous breakdown, the breaking point after 35+ years of pushing down his feelings. To add insult to injury my grandfather had bigamistly married a woman that he met after the war and had six more kids. He had literally been living 10 miles away my dads whole life, as had his brothers and sisters, and my dad never knew. He was broken hearted. His paternal grandparents had also played a huge part in their lives too and my dad was angry and sad that they’d lived so close by but never had a relationship with him. The breakdown and subsequent fall out was disasterous us as a family. He couldn’t work and ended up having to be medically retired because he was so mentally unwell.

We had a rough couple of years as a family, but my dad sought help (after my mum issued an ultimatum and threatened to leave him and take us with her if he didn’t get help) and therapy changed his life. It helped him realise that his explosive temper was a result of his abandonment issues. Once he was on more of an even keel, we had family therapy (my parents and sister and I) and our family life became much better as a result.

My dad now says that he wishes he had sought therapy on his 20s, especially in regard to the promiscuity and drinking which made him desperately unhappy. He wishes he had had therapy before having kids because some of his behaviours were frightening to us. However it was a different era and probably wouldn’t have been as easy to access.

I tell you all of this to both demonstrate that you are far from alone in your family struggles and to advise you to seek some help in terms of therapy. If my dad had been able to seek help for his “cover up” behaviours in his 20s, there’s no doubt in my mind that he wouldn’t have collapsed like he did at the news of my grandfathers death.

It also sounds to me like you have a kind and supportive partner. Without doubt this has made my dad’s life unmeasurably better. He and my mum are clearly soulmates and her support has allowed him to grow.

You’ve been dealt a shitty hand in life from an early age, but those are simply things that happened to you, not things that need to define you all of your life. Please, seek help because there is no shame in doing so and your family situation is so complicated and marred by so many different problems, that enlisting the help of a professional to help you make sense. Your brain will be wired wrong with all kinds of disordered thinking, through absolutely no fault of yours, and therefore it won’t be operating correctly in some probably quite fundamental ways. Think of it as a car engine put together by non-mechanics. Your family situation has meant that all of the adults in your early years put the engine together poorly. What you need now is a decent mechanic to sort it out so that if and when you have kids, you don’t fuck up their engines too.

Good luck @Paigef98. You’ve had a bad hand dealt you, but you’ll be able to sort out a better hand going forward, I promise.

something2say · 03/08/2021 05:43

Just one last thing. For some, family is a refuge and a safe place to run. For others, it is an upset, another slap in the face. It is a hurdle to get over, it can make Christmas shit.

For those people, we need to think differently. We need to gird ourselves for calls or visits. We need to manage our upset afterwards. We need to watch ourselves. We need an escape plan, a friend on call, an aftercare plan.

You'll build your own family one day, but with your existing family, the way they hurt you? Plan for it. The fact that they are who they are and you can never change change it will become accepted in time, but dont ever reach for them in times of need, accept that they in fact bring you down not up, only have contact when it suits you and dont expect anything from them.

On Christmas too, I got myself a little Christmas tree and lights, and I always had good Christmases because I made them good. In this way we sort of join the human race and stop being on the outside. My counsellor said to me, you start your own family traditions then, you start things you do every year.

It is sad to have a shit family or no family, but its not the end of the world.

Guineapigbridge · 03/08/2021 05:57

You've had some lovely advice here from others, OP. I'm sorry you experienced so much trauma growing up.
You asked what I would do so I'm going to tell you. If I were you I would explore church. You don't have to commit to anything or even be a Christian. But you can use church to explore your own purpose in life and experience the warmth of a community of people. I know others may laugh or be scornful but a lot of people find great solace and hope in faith.

GiantToadstool · 03/08/2021 05:59

@something2say what a lovely post 🥰.

My story has some similarities (alcoholic psychotic mum but when I was older and lived with her) but is a different story.

However despite seeking help from anyone who would listen (probably bored people looking back with my "how awful it was" random stories) it wasnt untim I saw a trauma therapist at 40 I got anywhere. And that was time limited. If we had any money this is absolutely where my money would go.

If you can access therapy through one of the above channels please do. What youve been through is awful and it is so unfair that that then stays with us (I thought once I escaped the home I'd be okay.)

something2say · 03/08/2021 06:02

Guinea pig you are right, there is a massive warm community at church. With regular meet ups.

I also go to open mics. Huge music community.

Original poster

Paigef98 · 03/08/2021 11:49

@TrampolineForMrKite

I’m so sorry for what happened to you *@Paigef98*. Some people really get the shit end of the stick when it comes to childhood, it’s so unfair.