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Original poster

DP tearful again? AIBU?

26 replies

Hatbusy · 02/08/2021 17:23

DP (41) is under a lot of stress at the moment. He’s a worrier anyway but has a lot on with work.

Last night I suggested we got a curry (a five minute walk from the house). I was desperate to get out of the house for a bit, he’d been working all weekend non stop. He said no, he wanted to get back to work later on after dinner and therefore didn’t want to go out. I wasn’t wanting to paint the town red, just wanted a korma for 60 minutes in a different environment. I got annoyed, said he was unreasonable for locking himself away without even an hour to spare. Cue the tearful eyes, then the tears. He apologies, says he knows he is ‘being boring.’ But nothing changes.

Same situation when I suggested a night away next month. Similar response, he doesn’t know if he can etc etc. Tears.

Am I being unfair to think this is just ridiculous behaviour from a grown man? Or am i an unreasonable partner?

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 02/08/2021 17:26

What specifically is unreasonable-the tears (from a man), the stress, the nothing changing?

LibertyFLiberty · 02/08/2021 17:26

Oh bless him. Although I can see how annoying it is.

PercyPigAndMe · 02/08/2021 17:32

You're not being unreasonable and the crying (rightly or wrongly) over suggesting doing something would very quickly wear thin with me

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AMalTiempoBuenaCara · 02/08/2021 17:34

Hmm, in the nicest possible way you sound a little harsh (maybe just borne out of frustration?) However if the tables were turned and you were on your knees with stress and so overwhelmed you became tearful quite easily would you expect him to be sympathetic?

That being said it is not healthy to work all hours and not have any downtime. And it clearly sounds as if it is having a really detrimental effect on his and your well-being. That is what needs addressing first maybe? Or suggest a 10 minute walk and build up from there, thus showing that the world won't end if he is away from his desk for short periods?

topcat2014 · 02/08/2021 17:36

What is the cause? If I ran a travel agency now for example I could imagine not really being able to do anything else.

Presentation on baked bean sales less stressful.

Scutterbug · 02/08/2021 17:36

He sounds depressed and in need of help. Would he see the doctor?

Hopdathelf · 02/08/2021 17:37

Depends on how he usually is. If crying due to workload is not normal for him then I’d be seriously worried and showing a bit more kindness.

icedcoffees · 02/08/2021 17:40

I would be more concerned about him having a breakdown than I would be about calling his behaviour ridiculous.

He's clearly under a massive amount of pressure to be behaving in that way. Personally, I would be very worried about him and would encourage him to see his GP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2021 17:40

He needs help. He needs to see his GP as he sounds depressed and like he’s not coping. He needs to talk to his employer if he’s working this many hours and it isn’t enough.

You could have gone without him if you wanted a change of scenery but this work obsession is going to kill dead your relationship.

Crying isn’t the issue, unless you feel he’s doing it intentionally to be manipulative, but it might be a sign he’s depressed and really not coping.

How long have you been together and how long has his work been like this?

Faunanflora · 02/08/2021 17:42

He sounds like he needs support. If he is tearful, he sounds like he is at the end of his tether and unable to cope. If it only happens when he is really busy with work then he could perhaps contact OH to discuss how work can support him. If he is like this when work is not busy, he could need a different type of support from his doctor. If you want to go out and do more exciting things and he doesn’t feel able to, go out by yourself or with friends but don’t guilt him about not feeling able too. He could end up in a very dark place if he is already feeling low and unable to cope. Encourage him to talk about what is making him feel this way and if he finds that difficult, suggest that he talks to an OT, HR or line manager at work if it is work related or a doctor otherwise.

toocold54 · 02/08/2021 18:21

YABU he is obviously very stressed out at the moment.
Are you in the same line of work?
Is he not used to WFH?
Could he need to take some time off for stress?

Why don’t you order a curry in as a nice treat for him. If you want to get out of the house just go for a walk and leave him be. It would obviously do him good to get out of the house away from work but it sounds like he won’t listen.

Original poster
Hatbusy · 02/08/2021 18:30

Finding it increasingly hard to deal with. I’ve tried everything. He says he can’t be happy or relax until this time frame is over.

This undefined time frame as there’s no idea when it will change.

OP posts:
JaffaRaf · 02/08/2021 18:36

Even ‘grown men’ are allowed to be stressed and cry. YANBU for being frustrated that he isn’t seeking help with his stress, as it’s affecting your marriage. YABU for thinking his clear mental distress is ‘ridiculous’ though.

Teflondreams · 02/08/2021 18:37

Has he been to the doctor? It sounds like he is under a lot of stress/ anxiety which is coming out at extreme reactions to seemingly mild situations.
Sounds like something needs to change whether that’s through work or seeking outside support.

spinningspaniels · 02/08/2021 18:39

If work is affecting him to that extent, then something has to change. At the very least I'd be insisting he talks to his GP, and then some life changes happen.

That's no way to live for either of you Flowers

Maggiesfarm · 02/08/2021 18:39

I feel sorry for you and for him. If he doesn't take a break, he will break; however there's nothing you can do about it.

Why not go out for a meal with a friend or even on your own - people do. Now the weather is reasonable in most areas and the evenings are light, you could pop out for a walk and drop into a small cafe. Just thoughts. You must get out of the house or you'll go stir crazy.

toocold54 · 02/08/2021 18:43

He needs to speak to his supervisor and say he is overwhelmed. He’s going to be no good if he carries on as he is. It’s either that or he has time off for stress.

I’d run him a nice bath, order a takeaway and try and persuade him to have a night off and an early night.
I get your frustration as he’s not helping himself but maybe if you act understanding today and spoil him a bit he’ll realise you’re on his side and might get help tomorrow.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 02/08/2021 18:43

Yes, go out with a friend

Leave him to it, in a kind way, step back snd let him do what he feels he must

burritofan · 02/08/2021 18:43

Even ‘grown men’ are allowed to be stressed and cry. YANBU for being frustrated that he isn’t seeking help with his stress, as it’s affecting your marriage. YABU for thinking his clear mental distress is ‘ridiculous’ though.
This. You can go for a walk or get a curry out alone or with friends if you need the different environment. He’s clearly not in the mental frame of mind to be able to switch off and enjoy it. You could have ordered him something to eat.

I’ve been in that “tearful over work, can’t stop, don’t recognise I actually can stop by getting signed off” state. It’s horrible. I couldn’t have contemplated a spontaneous curry or a night away; it would have been a huge stress. YABVU.

girlmom21 · 02/08/2021 18:45

I think you're both being unreasonable. You're really emotionless towards him and he's clearly working himself into the ground.

One of you is growing to crack soon if this doesn't change and it's not going to be pretty whichever way it goes.

What's he working on?

TheCupboardOfChaos · 02/08/2021 18:46

It sounds to me as if he isn't coping with life generally, and work has become the focal point for this. I realise it's rubbish for you, but it's even more rubbish for him.

That said, he needs to take some positive steps to try to claw his way out of it. As PP have said, GP is a good start. You might perhaps need to spell it out to him that it's affecting your relationship. He may well say he'll "try to change" or that he "realises he's being pathetic" - but I think you have to make it clear to him that he needs to be proactive if he wants your relationship to last.

Meanwhile, I'd go out with your friends and see other people. While he needs kindness and support, his issues can't end up holding you hostage.

larkstar · 02/08/2021 18:48

What is he - a teacher perhaps?
Maybe he should get his GP to sign him off sick so he can take stock of the situation - it's difficult to admit you can't cope - the consequences of carrying on like this are likely to be undesirable for him and you. It's a sign of strength to take a step back and look at the situation and how it can be changed and improved. I think it's fair enough to loose patience if he can't see that something needs to change an nothing will until he decided to actually DO SOMETHING. Maybe he can also ask for a phased return.

Orgasmagorical · 02/08/2021 18:49

Does he use the tears when he's not stressed? What was your relationship like before all this work stress came along?

Summerfun54321 · 02/08/2021 18:57

He needs to be signed off work with stress and to get help.

VaguelyInteresting · 02/08/2021 19:01

What does he do, OP?
Is he the main breadwinner?
Is his job at risk?
Is he the boss, so others jobs are at risk?

I think he sounds overworked and exhausted, and I have every sympathy for him. It’s been a shitter of a time for anyone with a modicum of responsibility at work, who hasn’t been furloughed and/or has been responsible for keeping the show on the road, in any way.

I suspect youve given scant detail because you know this, and know you’re being a bit unreasonable.