I am horrible to my kids and DH all the time and it's fucking miserable

[HateThisLife]

I'm at a bit of a loss and need some help before the next couple of years of my life disappear into a hole of horribleness

I have 2 young children (5&3) and in my 3rd trimester with very unplanned/surprise DC3. I am so, so irritable and horrible all the time. I constantly snap at the children for doing children things (talking constantly, demanding stuff, whining, being slow, being messy, basically nothing actually bad or naughty but just irritating as fuck)

My DH is generally lovely but even him breathing makes me want to cry and scream at him to stop. He is great with the kids etc etc but does have a fairly well-defined lazy streak, so will sleep on well after they are awake, is incredibly messy, needs nagged to do anything remotely domestic. He does do a fairly long list of other stuff that needs doing so isn't a complete waste of space.

I'm in a constant fug of grumpy, horrible, tearful nagging and snapping. I need to change but just don't know how. Everything annoys me. Every. Single. Thing. My beautiful family is amazing and I love them so deeply but I am so irritated by them and can't see their good points.

I remember from my first two DC how incredibly hard the first year of a newborn's life is and if I don't change we're not going to get through this intact.

If you are a reformed grump, a chilled parent, and just a happy person please tell me how? I feel so sorry for the kids growing up with me in the house.

I Got myself onto Prozac

I didn’t want my kids to be raised by a miserable me cunt like I was

By the time I came off Prozac being sunny and patient was virtually second nature

Do you really want this baby? You sound very worried about the effect it will have on you and your family. That sounds like the essence of the issue. Plus your dh being lazy, and you're knackered with being pregnant. Your h needs to step up - not just do 50% of parenting but do much more than that as you near the end of your pregnancy - why don't you get equal lie-ins? What would happen if you slept in each day long after the kids were up? That would drive me mad.

Make sure you have some time to yourself.

I have days like this. Never used to be like that pre kids. I think it's just all too much sometimes. Time off and sleep help me. When did you last have an afternoon with no obligations whatsoever?

Have a look at what you all eat. Before going off wheat and cutting down on sugar we were both exhausted and miserable (our kids are adults ) .

Bad nights don't help of course but just upping your intake of fresh food, and filtered water, also cutting down on caffiene. Will help, don't buy loads of snacks either just keep a bowl of good fruit on the table.
There are lots of wheat free pasta etc. Rye or spelt bread is good instead of wheat too.

Oh and try and get out of the house with the kids every day. Also get your dh take them out sometimes. so you can rest for a bit.

Honestly, a year ago I was exactly the same. I snapped at DP and DSS a lot, I had no patience for anything at all. I knew I had anxiety, but even though it sounds silly now, I'd never linked the irritability to that.

I started Sertraline in January, and since then my irritability has disappeared - and DP and DSS are absolutely still lazy bastards! Before, I used to let things get to me so much that I'd end up crying, and that would happen a few times a month, with lots of frustration in between. I haven't cried since the end of January, once the meds had kicked in. It's bliss. Things wash over me, I can just deal with them now.

I avoided seeking help for my anxiety for a very long time (12 years) because I didn't want to have to rely on tablets to be normal, but I promise you, my only regret is not doing it sooner.

If they want to take these off me they'll have to bloody wrestle me!

Oh my goodness thank you everyone. I'm absolutely overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of every reply.

I am very, very tearful and have been crying on and off for the past week so I do wonder if my mental health is taking a bit if a bashing. My midwife has spoken to me before about the perinatal mental health team so I'll sort that with her.

I dropped eldest off at sports camp and camp home to a contrite DH who apologised for not getting up with the kids this morning and acknowledged we need to be a team so when we get a chance we will discuss him stepping up a bit more. It's hard because he works long, long hours but at the moment (and for the next couple of years!) I feel like I'm working 24/7. Time off is hard to come by but I'll try to sort something.

Thanks so much again. I honestly did not appreciate how difficult parenting would be. This 3rd baby was totally out of the blue and at the moment I struggle to see the good bits about its arrival - it feels like another chore, another responsibility and additional stress. Poor little thing. That said, I can't wait to give him/her a cuddle in a matter of weeks so there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, DH's vasectomy appointment is booked

I feel the same OP. I'm not pregnant though but I am single. My 4 year old keeps calling me miserable. My older dc is 6. The 4 yr old acts out a lit, screaming and crying when asked to go to the loo, when I say we need to pop out, get dressed, anything really, all of it minor day to day stuff. No amount of calm parenting makes a difference and I end up snapping, shouting and being angry. I've also cried a lot this week and am considering speaking to the GP. The suggestion of meditation by a PP is a good one, I am going to try some guided meditations , I don't know when but I will fit them in.

Following for other ideas. Sending solidarity.

You don't need to change. Your DH needs to step up. If you get more rest and help, you will be less grumpy. It really is that simple.

OP you could have been my mother 40 years ago. I still have a few memories of my angry, scary mum from when I was very little but she got the help she needed (via the GP - she was suffering from a bad depression, and medication and counselling helped her immensely), and now we have a great relationship and most of my childhood memories are happy ones. I echo all the posters who say go to your GP and ask for help.

Don’t be afraid of being open with your kids too. I have bipolar and currently unmedicated due to pregnancy and I’m a horror to live with. My daughter knows that it’s only temporary though and that I will be better when the baby is born.

@HateThisLife

Oh my goodness thank you everyone. I'm absolutely overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of every reply.

I am very, very tearful and have been crying on and off for the past week so I do wonder if my mental health is taking a bit if a bashing. My midwife has spoken to me before about the perinatal mental health team so I'll sort that with her.

I dropped eldest off at sports camp and camp home to a contrite DH who apologised for not getting up with the kids this morning and acknowledged we need to be a team so when we get a chance we will discuss him stepping up a bit more. It's hard because he works long, long hours but at the moment (and for the next couple of years!) I feel like I'm working 24/7. Time off is hard to come by but I'll try to sort something.

Thanks so much again. I honestly did not appreciate how difficult parenting would be. This 3rd baby was totally out of the blue and at the moment I struggle to see the good bits about its arrival - it feels like another chore, another responsibility and additional stress. Poor little thing. That said, I can't wait to give him/her a cuddle in a matter of weeks so there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, DH's vasectomy appointment is booked

Try not to fall into the trap of 'my husband works long hours so I have to pick up all of the slack'. Tbh you are working pretty much all the time because you're not getting any rest and probably not enough sleep.

If this was your first baby you'd be resting a lot more even if you worked full time.

It's good that your husband recognises that you need some support but you need to actually schedule time when he takes responsibility. If necessary go and stay with a friend or in a hotel on a Friday or Saturday night so he just has to step up and wake up with the children. He can set an alarm if he's worried about not hearing them.

Really it's better for the whole family if you feel rested. It really doesn't take much to get some proper rest. And don't feel guilty for being human. Your hormones are telling you you need a break!!! Listen to them.

Being pregnant in the summer with small children and a lazy DH would make anyone grumpy. Being pregnant is uncomfortable at best, and can sap you of everything, especially goodwill towards a man who is clearly not pulling his weight, and children who are whingeing.
I used to tell whiny children that they were clearly tired and that they needed to go to bed and miss out on whatever nice thing would happen otherwise ( story/funtimes) Sometimes it worked.
And DH needs to understand that you are growing a baby and need extra rest.
Take yourself off for an afternoon nap ( or early evening if he is working during the day) buy in extra help if you have the budget for it, maybe even go away for a few nights to stay with a friend/family by yourself.
You have to be tough and tell DH what you are going to do, not ask.

I actually don’t think you necessarily have a diagnosable, “treatable with pills or therapy” condition. I think you’re just rightfully exhausted and irritable. I’m glad your DH plans to step up and I think you should lie in bed in the mornings.

I went to the drs about depression/anxiety and was prescribed sertraline. It's done wonders for how I feel.

Some days I was on the edge of doing something I would regret, it wasn't like I was spending my days crying and/or angry but if something set me off I would totally lose it so I got help and I'm no longer the mess I was.

Irritability like that is a huge red flag for anxiety or depression. When my irritability flares up like that I know I need to go back on citalopram. 20mg a day has be right as rain.

Don’t think you have to live like this. See the gp and try a month of citalopram. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Use the loo method or the glass of water
If you feel yourself losing it, go to the loo, so you have time to calm down.
If you can't grab a glass of water and drink it slowly.
This gives your mind time to do something, so you can calm down,

Starting fluoxetine stopped this for me.

@Guineapigbridge

Could be vitamin deficiencies? Are you taking a multi? Folic acid? Omega 3 and 6?

But otherwise, what saved me from (at least part of my grumpiness) was getting in paid help. Can you afford someone as a mother's helper a couple of half days a week? Just while you're pregnant and with a newborn? If DH can't step up then get your wallet to step up.

It's not vitamin deficienies, for fucks sake, its being partnered with someone who doesn't do their share of the shit work!

Of course you're fucking grumpy OP.

Wow, that brought back some memories of how I used to think about myself when my two were similar ages-I felt like all I did was moan and nag and was never happy.
What helped me was therapy, anti-depressants (which I refused for years) and getting rid of the husband (admittedly that last one is not for everyone but certainly improved my life 😜).
I can honestly say that my life is much better, which is why I said it brought back memories- I had forgotten how bad I used to feel. My two are now older and more self sufficient and it is definitely easier. Don’t get me wrong, I still nag and moan but I smile and laugh too, which I used to feel was something that I never did.

I would firstly sit down with your dh and explain exactly what you need from him. So getting up with the kids at the weekend so you can have a lie in, doing bath or bedtime, cooking meals if you are resting. Be as clear as possible, explain how you are feeling so he can't use not knowing as an excuse. If he can't take on much more then look at how you could outsource it, could you afford to send out the laundry, a cleaner once a week or fortnight? Do you have any family nearby who could help with the kids one day a week so you get a good few hours rest?

I would then speak to the Gp as your irratibiilty seems heightened. Are you happy about your pregnancy, you said it was a surprise? I really would speak to them.

I'm 36 weeks pregnant, have a 4 year old and 5 year old and whilst I am having a challenging pregnancy am not irritable with my lot. It could be that I have lower expectations than you. Are you putting too much pressure on yourself to follow your normal rouine? if you are be kinder to yourself.

I'm not sweating the small stuff like hoovering everyday, laundry in the week, not a big deal if we eat leftovers for dinner or we watch a lot of paw patrol. On days where I am knackered I do what I can to get through the day..

Lack of support is a major cause of post-natal depression so I wouldn't be surprised if it's a big factor in antenatal depression too. It's no good your husband being sheepish after the fact, he needs to pull his finger out! Mine cosleeps with our wakeful toddler so that I get a full night's sleep (I'm six months pregnant) and then I take him from 6:30am so he gets a 45 minute snooze alone, on the weekends we get one lie in each. It doesn't take any time not to be messy. What is this long list of "other things" he's doing that means he "can't" do any domestic chores?

Mine is a front line NHS doctor so I understand being married to someone who does long stressful hours (and I'm a SAHP) but he does bath and stories every night, tidies round the downstairs at the end of the day, unpacks and repacks the dishwasher and washes up etc. I cook and do laundry and we have a weekly cleaner.

P.S. Meant to say, do contact the perinatal mental health team in addition to reading him the riot act... You've got up every morning for however long so he can do them all from now on would be a good start.

Irritability is a symptom of depression so I’d speak to your midwife/GP. Unplanned pregnancies can cause a woman’s mental health to spiral so I’d also recommend your DH gets the snip to avoid this happening again. The third trimester is by far the toughest and I really wanted to kill everyone from around week 32 onwards, especially when I had summer babies.

Ask relatives or friends for help if that’s an option, try outsourcing jobs to professionals if you can afford to. Your DH needs to step up more too by the sounds of things.