SAHM and Worries!

[NameChangeSAHM]

I will try and keep this post short, I just need to write this down somewhere because it’s making me unhappy.
I am a SAHM/Housewife, I’ve had jobs in between, part time and weekend jobs but because of my husbands demanding job and working away, it was easier if I became a SAHM.
The problem is there is never any money left at the end for myself to spend on anything, I have few clothes, a broken rucksack, that’s had to go in the bin, I need to see the dentist, I’d love to have my hair done again, I do not have a single penny to myself and this has been going on for years.
It’s the summer holidays and he sends me the same amount of money, even though I will need money for trips days out (I’ve had no money this month to take the kids anywhere!)
He recently spent thousands on something for himself. Yet I can’t even afford to see the dentist, or buy a new bag.
I feel uncomfortable asking him for money, when I’ve asked him to send the money back for the kids birthday presents I’ve paid out of the money he’s sent me, he’s made excuses that he’s short this month but eventually sends it back. (He does earn a very good wage.)
I know the answer is to go back to work and it’s something I’m planning to do very soon, my confidence is at rock-bottom, I don’t know how I’ll manage to fit around childcare/school hours but at the moment I know it’s something that needs to happen.

You’ll manage it, millions of parents work. Childcare is more available now then ever and is open from around 7/7.30 to 6pm so easily covers full time hours.

Why are you asking for money - do you not have access to the family money?

I went back to work when DT’s were six months old and we used full time nursery five days a week.

You should have equal access to all the money. You should not be having to ask. You are his equal and by doing all the child care you are facilitating his career. If he refuses to be clear with you about his earning and refuses make sure that you have a sensible amount of personal spending money on a monthly basis then it is financial abuse.

the answer is to go back to work

Actually no, although sure if you want to, but no one should be needing dentistry and a basic haircut and walking around in rags while the other parent spends thousands on himself.

That is financial abuse. In essence, it is selfish and horrible and wrong.

We have struggled with this because I’m on maternity leave and not earning. We don’t have the all money is family money approach either, and it is hard as I’m not used to having to ask for money but in your case, there was a joint decision to be a SAHM.

Don’t let other posters make you feel bad for it either.

OP, there's been many threads like this before and everytime it comes down to either poor communication of how things should be split up once you become a SAHM or outright financial abuse.
If you are now telling him that you are short of money and don't have anything left for yourself and he still is doing nothing about it, I'm sorry but I would say he is being financially abusive.
Was the choice taken by both yourselves to become SAHM? who was it easier for for you to become a SAHM? I suspect it was for everyone including your DH who now doesn't have to worry about domestic chores or childcare because you're doing it.
Sit him down and have a proper talk. Say the financial arrangements you had pre children were different but now we need to have a joint account where I don't have to ask for handouts. If he still is unreasonable, and I suspect he will be, then OP it's only going to get worse for you.
Get a job asap, any job, and become independent again. This is no way to live and you know it!

That's terrible. I bet he never watches the kids so you can have a break?

Honestly think about your relationship, is this how you want to live? What example are you both setting your kids? Then I'd make a plan to leave

It is definitely not how I wish to continue to live. The whole situation is depressing me, to be honest.
I spoke to him about sending extra money re the birthday presents for the children, he begrudgingly sent the money back, which is why I don’t feel comfortable asking for money.
I know I need to become financially independent again and I’m working on that now.