Pregnant, terrified and numb

[Chocolateislife88]

I've just recently found out I'm pregnant (6wks). It very much wasn't planned and the father is my ex partner of 13 years (I know, complicated). He has been incredibly supportive and has said that he would be on hand to do all he can to support me and the child and very much would play an active role in their lives and I believe him.

For much of my life I've felt a maternal pull and have a lot of patience and care for children and always imagined having my own one day, but I've also been acutely aware of how difficult it must be to be a Mother and I really value alone time and my freedom, so I haven't ever found myself at a stage of feeling really ready (I'm 33).

Since I found out I feel numb, sad and disconnected, especially when I see parents with their children. Ads on social media are now full of pictures of women happy with their babies and bumps, babies clothes, breastpumps etc and I can't bare to look at it. It feels too overwhelming and all encompassing.

All I can imagine is how hard it is going to be, that it's going to be a continuous struggle and that I'll never feel any real sense of freedom again. Whilst I know we would co-parent and my family would very much be on hand, ultimately I know the main responsibility and care will be from me and this also fills me with terror.

My relationship/work/living situation are not ideal, so these are all big factors, but I am also aware that my hormones are affecting things and I do feel a deep exhaustion and big waves of nausea right now.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else felt this way in their first trimester or had these same fears and panic about losing their freedom. Did it go away when you had your child? Can you still feel any real sense of freedom with children? Is co-parenting a nightmare?

(Thank you if you made it this far!)

Hey, OP, sounds like a tough situation. Just to say that I think literally everyone feels a bit like that in the first trimester. My son is two now and I have no regrets.

I hope you get some clarity and peace on your situation.

Hi OP. I felt like this with my first pregnancy too, even though it was very much planned. My child is now 1.5 years old. Some of the things I worried about no longer matter to me and my definition of “freedom” has changed. For example, I can no longer book a night out without notice, but I’m equally less interested in going out socialising every night (tbh - I don’t have the energy!).

Ultimately of course it is your decision, but do feel assured that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Oh gosh, I'm sorry OP. I have nothing to add as I don't have children, but didn't want to read and run.

I hope you get some advice soon

Everything you're feeling is completely normal. DD was planned but when I actually found out I was pregnant, I kept thinking I wasn't ready, it wasn't the right time, whether we'd made a mistake because everything would be changing. I don't think I was properly excited until around 20 weeks, but honestly she's the best thing ever and I don't know why I thought so negatively, life does change but you just get used to not being able to have spontaneous nights out or whatever. Do remember you have choices and you need to do what is right for you

Honestly, you’ll never be ‘ready’ you’ll never have the right circumstances. As long as baby has love, a roof over their head and food in their belly that’s all they need.

Things will never be the same if you have baby. Your priorities will change and you won’t be able to just walk out of the door to do something you want to do.
However, with a co-parent and family to help you will still get freedom.

My son has disabilities. I spent my twenties and now early thirties and will spend the rest of my life caring for him, going to hospital appointments and I home educate so never get a break. I have no help or support. I have no freedom, no money, no time. I would not change it for the world. He is an inspiring, amazing, wonderful young man who makes me proud every day. I’m 33 and pregnant with my second. I know it will be difficult but it will be worth it.

Thank you for your kind messages. It's reassuring to hear others have experienced those similar fears and feelings, but that it can shift.

It's quite frightening to feel so disconnected and shut down. My hope is that it would shift, that I would feel that deep love for them and that as you say @snowy0wl that my definition of freedom will just change.

It feels like such a giant leap into the unknown and I'm finding myself desperately wanting to hold on to familiar ground and only thinking of all of the difficult aspects of being a parent.

@Mymapuddlington I am in awe of the love and care you have for your child and your remarkable strength, I can imagine it has been and can be challenging doing it all alone, but it sounds like the love you have for him makes it all worth it and carries you through.

I do hope I have some of that strength and capacity for love and care within me, I once believed I did but now it feels quite elusive.

Thank you, he was unplanned and I never thought I’d have children. No experience of kids, was very much an independent party girl, he has made my life so much better.
Maybe co parenting is an ideal situation for you, when he has the baby you can have your alone time. Hormones are crazy things and nobody knows how they will be or how they will feel but you seem to have a good support network.
Also babies are tiny for such a short amount of time and before you know it you’ll be sharing your hobbies and passions with a little person.

It sounds like it really was quite a life transition for you and it makes me feel more reassured that despite the fact it was, having him made your life better.

I hadn't fully considered the benefits of co-parenting, but you're right it would mean I could have some alone time which is what I fear losing the most.

Thank you