How to help DS with homesickness

[Brigittebidet]

DS (12) had to come home early from Scout camp yesterday and has missed loads of fun stuff because he was so homesick. He's always struggled and was so disappointed in himself and cross this morning. He said I don't know what it's like to feel that bad, so homesick that you feel physically sick. I asked him if we should have said he had to stick it out but he said no because he was so miserable.

How do I get him over this so that he can enjoy times away? He's had sleepovers but not enjoyed them. He has stayed with my parents many times and is generally fine there but still struggles a bit.

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Oh I know exactly how he feels, it's horrible.

I'm afraid I just grew out of it. I can't pinpoint anything that helped, except alcohol - and he's too young for that!

I was like this, I did grow out of it but it did take a long time

I don’t know, OP - but you did the right thing getting him early and when you get to be an adult it’s totally fine and acceptable to not like staying away from home on ‘sleepovers’ (guests in other people’s houses - see every MN thread where people choose a hotel over being hosted ).

My youngest DC struggles too - likes their own bed, even will choose it over ‘camping’ in the lounge and whilst I’ve never had to collect early from a sleepover they always tell me how much they miss us/home even whilst having lots of fun and staying places they live like grandparents or close family. Coronavirus has accentuated it because it’s been all home all the time. PGL next academic year… we’ll see…

And I think maybe the best reassurance is that he never has to stick it out if he doesn’t want to? Just knowing you have an option and no one will be cross with you is very valuable - you need to be secure enough to let go. And all kids have different baselines for that, which is OK.

Is the scout camp fairly local? If so, can you drop him off each day so he doesn’t miss out.

Is it mainly the nighttime he hates?

Maybe if he knew he wasn’t stuck there, he would enjoy it more.

I was like this. I could not even stay the night at a friend's 5 minutes down the road! Once I was 15 I grew out of it. I just missed the familiarity of my own room and belongings and the fact I could call out to my parents should I need to!

Time is the answer. Our son became homesick at 22, after he’d been away many, many times before. It was missing seeing his sister off for university and the last evening meal with family friends etc. It took him two months to get over it - when he came home. Not been homesick since.

I think they just grow out of it or it passes once the trigger has disappeared.

In fairness scout camps tend to be uncomfortable, not particularly nurturing and it’s been horrid weather, which does make it harder to be positive.

I remember my sister being terribly home sick when we were younger, she did eventually grow out off it but it took a while.
I've never really felt home sick apart from once when I moved to a small village up the line and I literally hated every second off it, couldn't wait to move back to my home town

I think you do grow out of it. I went camping when I was nine and cried so hard and had to come home. I was fine a few years later but still worried about it.

One of my kids told me she'd run away if I sent her to camp . They went and had a great time but were very glad to come home. Luckily their leader is lovely and was able to distract!

Our leaders have always been very accommodating thankfully.

Can you ask him to break it down, what things does he miss specifically?

Parents
Siblings
His bed
A light in his room
Familiar foods
Trusted people around him
Etc

Then if he can pinpoint some of his triggers, you might be able to come up with portable substitutes that mean he can be less homesick, he can then build up to actually enjoying being away

But if he never sticks it out, how will he ever experience the homesickness easing?

All feelings are transient, the body can only sustain intense feelings for a limited period even if in the moment it feels like it will never end. All emotions also come with physical sensations, that's normal as they are part of our body.

If you always bail on things before the wave of emotions naturally ends then you never learn how to ride it out or that you can ride it out. Which then makes it more and more daunting to try again, which is what your son is describing. It's a vicious cycle.

General advice is patience and recognising that homesickness is about a temporary period of adjustment to an unfamiliar situation. It always passes if you stick with it.

Each time it feels overwhelming you tell yourself "this is temporary" .

Three other practical tips:

1. When struggling, make a plan for the next hour or afternoon or night etc. Pick a manageable period of time (whether 5 minutes or 5 hours) and make a plan for what you are doing in that time and anything you can do that will make you feel better. Having a shower, joining an activity, having a snack, airing your bed, whatever. Then make another plan for the next manageable chunk of time.

This creates a sense of control and achievement. Both are important.

1. At the end of each day write down 3 things you enjoyed that day and 3 things you are looking forward to tomorrow. Doesn't matter how small or trivial they are. Write them down.

It helps keep things in perspective and gives greater weight in your mind to the positive parts.

1. Don't phone home, especially on short trips like a scout camp. It makes homesickness worse because it stops you adjusting. You think it will make you feel better, but it is usually what makes you feel much worse.

Even children who weren't feeling homesick usually end up struggling and crying after phoning home. Unless you're going away for a significant length of time it is counterproductive and unnecessary.

Oh, and on the parental side - always wave them off happily and cheerily.

Don't fuss, don't drag it out, don't tell them you'll miss them or what you're doing without them, don't tell them you'll come back if they don't like it, don't let them see if you're feeling anxious or weepy.

Be bright and breezy. Keep your body language and voice bright and cheerful. Wish them a lovely time. Tell them you're excited to hear about their adventures later. Leave happily.

Children who have an anxious goodbye from a parent who put thoughts in their mind about it being sad or too difficult or leaving early, become anxious and ask to leave.

Children with cheerful uneventful goodbyes cope markedly better.

I was like this, I grew out of it by about 14. Thinking back, the level of control over the environment was a huge thing for me. I was a bad sleeper and my worst fear was being awake when everyone else was asleep.

For that reason, I didn't like 1:1 sleepovers because I was more likely to be the only person awake. I also didn't like camp-type environments where there were more rigid sleep rules/a less comfortable environment. If I was at a group sleepover where we could stay up most of the night I could sometimes do it before 14.

Do you think your DS would open up about why he feels this way? It might help you to work on some ways to help him cope. I know I started bringing a book, mini torch and my Gameboy + headphones to sleepovers so I had 'just in case' options which was a huge help.

It will pass - best not to make a big deal out of it or try and find a way to cure it. That will make him uncomfortable. Just say "That's OK, good to see you. There will come a time when you feel happy to do this."

For me being homesick was to do with introversion. I've always needed to be able to get away from people and in a scout camp it's just not possible. I wasn't scared I didn't miss my parents I just feel absolutely exhausted if I can't get time on my own. Even now holidaying with friends, I simply cannot go if I can't have my own room or tent. But I would happily travel on my own for ever. Half a day is as much company as I can stand without a break.

@SeaToSki

Can you ask him to break it down, what things does he miss specifically?

Parents
Siblings
His bed
A light in his room
Familiar foods
Trusted people around him
Etc

Then if he can pinpoint some of his triggers, you might be able to come up with portable substitutes that mean he can be less homesick, he can then build up to actually enjoying being away

Good advice.

I had this on several occasions.

Once at an activity camp when I was about 5 - the leader must have instinctively picked up on it (as I reached for my book and was going to hide away) and gave me a run down of the days activities and what we were doing next - can you inform the camp so they know to keep him busy? I think distraction, encouragement at the time from the staff.

DM said she had it at boarding school and the school mentor said it's ok, you're just homesick, try and get involved in activities, you'll feel much better. This really helped her.

I don't know whether contact with home helps or not, I have a feeling it doesn't as it reminded me of everyone who wasn't there and I then felt cross and sad!

I think at scout camp it’s probably about being uncomfortable, cold, tired wet, lacking privacy, and an odd culture. If you think about it logically, who would want to be there?

I changed my view over the years from ‘let them work through it’ as a very young adult working on summer camps to a much clearer recognition that forcing them to work through it was unkind. He doesn’t need to be at scout camp. He doesn’t need to learn to deal with it. Homesickness is cured by going home usually and forcing a child to put on a brave face or not having contact isn’t kind and isn’t helpful. A tiny bit of cajoling or distraction, perhaps, but usually all you’re getting is a distressed child hiding their homesickness to appease the adults.

It felt much better once we understood we weren’t bad at keeping children at summer camps happy and some children became so homesick that they needed to be supported to go home. We felt kinder and child was happier. Sometimes they’d return the following year and be fine. Why force a child to be happy in a situation they don’t need to be in?

Poor boy. I remember the feeling well, and up until 14/15 I hated camps/sleepovers etc. I was quite a shy and insecure child.
During teenage years I changed a lot and grew in confidence. By the time I was 14/15, I enjoyed sleepovers with my best friend, and going on sport camps with the sport I was doing at that time. I felt at ease with the group of people, which I rarely felt in primary years.
It might be different for your son but for me it was definitely a confidence thing. And sorted itself out eventually.

I remember being exactly the same at Guide camp, really homesick, crying a lot, didn't really enjoy the camping and activities which everyone else seemed so comfortable with.
I don't think there was anything in particular that I or my family did to help me but I did definitely grow out of it as I got older. I ended up being quite a prolific solo traveller for some years and even emigrated alone to the other side of the world in my twenties.

Thank you all so much - hearing that people grew out of it definitely helps. We have said to him just to build on it and if he can go for two nights next time that’s great but if not no worries. @user16395699 - amazing tips - thank you.

I was the same. I remember being desperately homesick on brownie camp and it was only Friday evening until Sunday lunchtime, about 14 miles from home!! In my defence, I think I was only about 7.

I was the same on all school trips though, and when I went to university.

However, I agree with those who say you should let them plough through it. It is indeed a period of readjustment, and you need to learn that the feeling will pass.

The other thing is that I used to get worried about the fact that I was homesick!! I think having the feeling validated and explained as being normal would have helped. I almost felt guilty for not enjoying myself enough.