Didn’t know where else to put this.
I was raped 16 years ago when I was 17. It was the first time I had sex and had a lasting impression on me, how I see myself, the relationships I had going forward, I gained around 70 kilos over several years as a way to protect myself after someone told me 6 months later “you’re so fat no one would even rape you” (my traumatised brain said “clearly I’m not fat enough for that to happen”!). My highest weight was 176kg and although I’m down 50kg I’m just SO angry at all the years lost because of my weight.
I hated and blamed myself for it for about 8 years then realised it wasn’t my fault, since then I don’t think about it on a day to day basis, rarely at all tbh. I told a friend for the first time since it happened last year which was a huge deal but otherwise I don’t think about it much except for the anniversary of when it happens when I spend a couple of days really low abs need to be left alone.
I’m angry about it and angry about how my life would be so different if it hadn’t happened and it’s all consuming.
I kbow it’s coming and just deal with it but I feel like I “allow” myself to only think about it on the anniversary.
Is this normal?! Why don’t I think about it any other time (mostly). Shouldn’t I think about it other on the anniversary? Isn’t that a bit...morbid?
The anniversary is next week which is why I’m suddenly thinking Bout this and if my response is strange especially after all these years.