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Original poster

If I spend time alone with a man

26 replies

Intherightplace · 29/07/2021 17:04

Is he and others going to assume it's a date?

I'm single again after 30 years. I have a fairly wide circle of friends through a sport, but all the single ones seem to be male. I do see the women sometimes, but the ones with plenty of time on their hands, like me, are men.

There are a few I get along with as friends and could invite to various events now things are starting to open up, but I really don't want to be "involved" with anyone atm. Also, I can do without the gossip, being fairly recently bereaved.

I could, try and organise some group things, but that always seems such hard work, I just want to be able to message someone and say "if you're free on Weds do you fancy xyz event?" without it being a big deal, as I would with a female friend/acquaintance. Most often would be a local band or an event tied to our sport.

OP posts:
Datingandnoideahowto · 29/07/2021 17:06

My best friend is male and he and I go to things. However, strangers or casual acquaintances think we are dating even though we are not.

Make of that what you will.

Comedycook · 29/07/2021 17:07

Lots of men will see it as a come on...sorry but it's true.

TonkinLenkicks · 29/07/2021 17:08

My best friend is male. No one has ever commented and we meet up on our own. Both of us married but that’s not an issue. Saying that, people will always find something to chat about so I just wouldnt worry what anyone might think

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Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2021 17:09

Also, I can do without the gossip, being fairly recently bereaved.

You're the one who has to decide, but isn't living like this just silly? You can't control what other people think, and a gossip will always conjure up something to gossip about, true or not. Why restrict your life because of these ignorant fools? Who cares what they think? Don't be a prisoner to anyone or anything. Life is too short.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 29/07/2021 17:10

Other people may assume that it's a date because they assume you're straight. I'm a single person and quite frankly what other people think doesn't bother me.

Presumably you know the people you want to invite so they are aware of your need for a friend rather than date?

I hang out with men on my own doing things but we both know it's a friend thing so there's absolutely no confusion there.

VeganVeal · 29/07/2021 17:21

Be honest, just say ' I find you sexually repulsive but do you do you fancy xyz event?'

What could go wrong with that?

Marmitemarinaded · 29/07/2021 17:25

My genuine male friends… I could probably arrive naked wrapped in a fur coat only and they would not think I was coming to them. They’d laugh. Just as my close female friend would.

That’s a bona Fide friendship with no undercurrent

If you can’t be sure of the above, then I probably would not ask them if you really don’t want to deal with drama etc. It’s a risk

Marmitemarinaded · 29/07/2021 17:26

Although If you don’t mind the risk
Could be a risk worth taking

Ingridla · 29/07/2021 17:29

This is so depressing. I spontaneous have drinks locally with older men in my community who I'd regard as somewhere between acquaintances and friends, I guess people may regard this as gossip fodder and it makes me fucking sick. It's pathetic, why is the world like this Envy

Comedycook · 29/07/2021 17:53

@Ingridla

This is so depressing. I spontaneous have drinks locally with older men in my community who I'd regard as somewhere between acquaintances and friends, I guess people may regard this as gossip fodder and it makes me fucking sick. It's pathetic, why is the world like this Envy
Sorry but I bet a good proportion of those men secretly think one day they might have a chance with you.

Age has taught me that many men keep women as friends on the off chance.

Ingridla · 29/07/2021 18:33

For fucks sake. They're my dads age, 70 ish or at least a decade and a half older than me and I know their wives and daughters. If they do then they have extremely high opinions of themselves, I cannot fathom it, you think they really believe I might fuck them one day Confused

Ingridla · 29/07/2021 18:37

Sorry for the swearing.

Demilunary · 29/07/2021 18:39

@Aquamarine1029

Also, I can do without the gossip, being fairly recently bereaved.

You're the one who has to decide, but isn't living like this just silly? You can't control what other people think, and a gossip will always conjure up something to gossip about, true or not. Why restrict your life because of these ignorant fools? Who cares what they think? Don't be a prisoner to anyone or anything. Life is too short.

Exactly this. Gossip is unimportant. It’s worth a go, surely?

But if you restrict it to single men only, then surely it’s more likely to be misunderstood as a date? Aren’t any of the coupled up people (of either sex) up for the kinds of outings you mean? I have a male operagoing friend and a male friend I see art house films with. One married, one newly divorced.

Comedycook · 29/07/2021 18:53

@Ingridla

For fucks sake. They're my dads age, 70 ish or at least a decade and a half older than me and I know their wives and daughters. If they do then they have extremely high opinions of themselves, I cannot fathom it, you think they really believe I might fuck them one day Confused
Don't be so naive...some will be genuine I'm sure but yes, lots of older men really are quite deluded and think they may stand a chance one day.
Comedycook · 29/07/2021 20:13

And let me ask you @Ingridla do you know any older women who go for drinks with men young enough to be their sons?

Original poster
Intherightplace · 29/07/2021 21:18

I happy to socialise with married people of either sex, but they don't have the free time in the way that single people do. Those spur of the moment, I've got nothing to do tonight shall we go to the pub/the pictures/the gym, they tend to do with their partner, as I would have done with DH.

I have one close male friend who is married but our "outings" are planned weeks in advance.

OP posts:
AllTheSingleLadiess · 29/07/2021 22:33

@Ingridla

For fucks sake. They're my dads age, 70 ish or at least a decade and a half older than me and I know their wives and daughters. If they do then they have extremely high opinions of themselves, I cannot fathom it, you think they really believe I might fuck them one day Confused
Why do you think middle aged/old men regularly look for women who are decades younger on dating apps etc? Not all men but many men.
SleepingStandingUp · 29/07/2021 22:37

Op just ask. I think for guys it can be even harder to ask if you genuinely only mean friendship incase the woman gets offended and tells everyone you're a sleaze.

Life's too short to worry about gossip.

Ingridla · 29/07/2021 23:29

@Comedycook

And let me ask you *@Ingridla* do you know any older women who go for drinks with men young enough to be their sons?

This is unhelpful and out of context. Knowing neighbours and seeing them for a half in the pub garden on a sunny day when you're walking past is hardly going for drinks, terrible take.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/07/2021 08:48

Ignore people telling you these men are jist expecting sex @ingridla. Sounds like you live somewhere where everyone knows each other and everyone os familiar even if not strictly friends. You're not traipsing through Tinder looking for 70 year old men to take you for half a pint, you're having a drink with essentially family friends

Ingridla · 30/07/2021 09:53

@SleepingStandingUp thank you, sense at last!SmileThanks

Demilunary · 30/07/2021 10:49

@Comedycook

And let me ask you *@Ingridla* do you know any older women who go for drinks with men young enough to be their sons?
My DH’s female best friend, now dead, was a former colleague almost 30 years older than him. They went out for drinks, dinner and the theatre all the time.
Comedycook · 30/07/2021 10:56

Well that's very unusual. Even if men don't think they'll have a chance, they like the social kudos of sitting with a younger, attractive woman.

jewel1968 · 30/07/2021 11:01

@Ingridla you made me laugh. My view is even if they have fantasies about having sex with you in their head (which I doubt) you will never know so no point worrying about it.

OP I would just do it. You need friends and men can be good friends. I know sometimes some try it on (has happened to me) but that is the risk you take. Just home your intuition and trust your judgement.

Demilunary · 30/07/2021 11:10

@Comedycook

Well that's very unusual. Even if men don't think they'll have a chance, they like the social kudos of sitting with a younger, attractive woman.
That’s a thoroughly depressing and reactionary view, @Comedycook.

No wonder so many posters on Mn complain of loneliness if they are discounting half the human race as potential friends because they genuinely think men only socialise with women they shag or hope to shag.

DH’s friend was in fact strikingly good-looking, and approaching retirement at the time he joined the company — alas she didn’t live to retire.

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