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Original poster

Worried about foster sister- money and housing

27 replies

CocoNoopie · 28/07/2021 20:57

Hi,
My foster sister is 20 years old and moved out of my parents house. Social services gave her an allowance to buy things for her new place and she is living on universal credit.
Its very hard to speak to her, but I know that she spends all her money in one go and then calls to say she has no money.
I am not in a position to help her out all the time.

My parents are living on their pension and are in their 70's. How can I help her? Social workers are always changing and she has a new one constantly. She is not working, not studying.
Her allowance goes on her nails and other beauty treatments. She buys all her groceries in Londis or Waitrose- thus her money doesnt go far.
I try to give her advice, have taken her shopping, told her to get more student budget meals etc but every month she will call to say her money has run out.

She feels that its the family's duty to support and help her. I am at my wit's end and the responsibility seems to be coming to me as my parents have grown frail...I have my own financial concerns, job, young kids....Im worried she will be told to move out of London as social housing is so scarce.
Any help/advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
PolkadotSkies · 28/07/2021 21:45

That's such a tricky situation. You can't keep bailing her out continually as you're then enabling the behaviour and not helping her to learn to stand on her own two feet.

Next time she asks for money I'd sit down with her and make a spreadsheet, go through her whole budget. Basics first - rent utilities - then what is left she can allocate to fun stuff. She needs to take ownership and set an amount for food each month and stick to it. Suggest she keeps a diary of what she spends so she knows where her money is going, and make it clear that next time she comes to you to ask for money you'll need to see this diary to understand why she's skint.

If it happens to be because of unexpected expenses that aren't her fault I'd help. If it was because she'd blown it all on nails etc then I wouldn't.

It's hard when you're from a difficult background and nobody's taught you these skills but she does need to learn how to manage her money and being hungry for a few days is a good lesson on that (if she does receive enough to cover the basics and is wasting it instead as you've said).

I say this as someone who has been extremely broke in the past and struggled for money for food or electricity. I'd always help a friend or family who was genuinely broke but if she's wasting money then she will have to learn the lesson the hard way, that if we want luxuries we need to work/ study to get to a situation where we can afford them.

Such a difficult position for you to be in OP, I really feel for you. But you have a family to look after too and will do her no favours if she starts relying on you to be her bank.

PolkadotSkies · 28/07/2021 21:49

I know lots on here have the "she's 20, she's an adult!" view but obviously if she's had a tough life she won't have the same life skills as an average 20 year old. I'd make it very clear you're there for emotional support but there have to be boundaries about money and the circumstances in which you will or will not help her out, so that she gradually learns to manage her finances. And I'd be honest about the impact this has on you and your family. If you're not comfortable giving her help with budgeting - and it sounds like social services are being useless in their duty to support her transition to adult life - I'd make her an appt with the Citizen's Advice Bureau. She might get less upset going through it all with a stranger.

PolkadotSkies · 28/07/2021 21:51

Also can she cook? For some people no confidence with this is a big barrier to budgeting sensible amounts for food. If not, can you teach her the basics? Being able to make cheap, healthy meals from scratch is a game changer and would help her far more than you giving her more money to spend on her nails etc.

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Knittedfairies · 28/07/2021 22:08

She may be entitled to more support from her local authority:

www.gov.uk/leaving-foster-or-local-authority-care

Nightmanagerfan · 28/07/2021 22:10

Look into the Spear Programme for her - they are experienced in working with care leavers and have a supportive yet challenging ethos.

Babyroobs · 28/07/2021 22:10

She can ask for her Uc to be paid fortnightly or even weekly maybe to enable her to budget better. Places like CAB I think can also provide budgeting advice, she may take more notice of a stranger perhaps?

mayblossominapril · 28/07/2021 22:12

There should be help from the council if she has left care and is neet. Also worth trying the princes trust.

Maiyakat · 28/07/2021 22:21

This charity may be able to offer support practically and emotionally: www.reesfoundation.org/projects.html

toocold54 · 28/07/2021 22:58

I definitely think anyone at any age should be helped out if they’re struggling but as she’s 20 she really needs to learn how to manage her finances better. There must be something that UC provides to help people manage their money I know they used to. There’s usually lots of advice on the web about managing your money so I’d be hoping the social workers were helping her with this.

In the meantime I would help but reduce the help. So if she has no money left and wants to borrow £50 you/your parents say I can only lend £30 type thing - so you’re still helping her out but she’s learning how to budget.

Original poster
CocoNoopie · 29/07/2021 17:13

Thank you everyone for your advice, social services have offered budgeting advice etc but she doesnt engage....

OP posts:
AnyOldLion · 29/07/2021 17:23

@CocoNoopie

Thank you everyone for your advice, social services have offered budgeting advice etc but she doesnt engage....

Tell her very very clearly that you absolutely cannot afford to financially assist her, and direct her to SW every time.

Maggiesgirl · 29/07/2021 17:25

Is it possible that she can only take so much a week from her bank? You used yobe able to. That way she can split her UC into weekly amounts. Or coukd she draw ut all and give it to you to give her weekly.

Still a lot of responsibility for you, but might be a way if teaching her to budget

Howshouldibehave · 29/07/2021 17:28

You need to say no and she needs to stop buying her shopping at Waitrose. We earn two good salaries and can’t afford to shop there!

She feels that its the family's duty to support and help her

Does she think this support is going to continue forever?

MySecretHistory · 29/07/2021 17:31

The civil service have apprenticeships ring fenced for care leavers. Would that be worth a try. (paid at a decent rate with good career prospects)

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 29/07/2021 18:08

Is she ever expecting to get a job? What kind of qualifications did she leave school with? What are her ambitions?

Generalpost · 29/07/2021 18:09

Has she ever been without? I'm thinking if she had to go without an essential for a few days such as no gas or something like that. If she gets to feel what it's like to actually go without hot water or even food for a couple if days she may be shocked into being more careful.

How long has she lived on her own? Was she bought up on waitrose no money worry etc?

Original poster
CocoNoopie · 31/07/2021 18:40

@ArchbishopOfBanterbury- she left school with no GCSE's. She was excluded from her school at 15 for awful behaviour. Went to another school and did her GCSES there. My mum begged her to have private tuition but she flatly refused.

She doesnt want a job, happy to live off benefits and me!

OP posts:
Allllchange · 31/07/2021 19:00

I would say for her to get her UC paid twice a month (approx fortnightly) then rent taken out directly from her UC so she protects her housing above everything. And then there will need to be some tough love and she will need to go to a food bank if she hasn't stuck to her budget with you telling her that you love her and doing it so she can learn as you can't afford it.

Wishingwell75 · 31/07/2021 20:01

Can I ask what she was doing between being excluded from school and CS finding her a place to live?
If she didn't go to college or work was she just watching other young people get started on their lives?
I think sometimes it's the leaving care that is harder than being in care. All of a sudden the world see's you as an adult but you may only just be coming to terms with the fact that you don't have the same support networks as others do.
This is in no way a critique of your parents or you OP, it's obvious that you love and care for her but despite new initiatives Children's Services are still woefully inadequate at helping care leavers adjust.
Something you said - about her getting her nails done, is that something she would be interested in studying?
Because I think it's the bigger picture that is going to be the most useful here.
She's not working or at college and that gets boring especially if you can't buy the things you want, go out for meals, get nails done etc. So, she probably gets her money and has one or two good days and then is skint for the rest of the month.
Her social worker really needs to help her with figuring out what she wants out of life, and then make a plan to get there.
There's nothing worse than feeling like life is passing you by when you've already had your fair share of life kicking you around and your own family not being there for you.
I am sure your parents have been fantastic but it's not the same and she might have more time to be dwelling on this stuff.
Still not your responsibility though OP.

Original poster
CocoNoopie · 01/08/2021 08:38

@Wishingwell75 I agree with you 100%. Some of her friends have done really well, not necessarily academically. They are driving, earning etc.
She has a sister. My parents fostered them both. Her sister worked in a nursery and worked her way up. She is earning, saving and I am so proud of her. I dont compare her to her sister at all. Just putting it on here for context.

OP posts:
Original poster
CocoNoopie · 01/08/2021 08:40

@Generalpost
No she hasnt been without. She will either come to me, my mum or her elder sister.
I think we all need to show her tough love.

OP posts:
DancesWithTortoises · 01/08/2021 08:43

You all need to agree that it stops. If just one of you weakens then the cycle will begin again.

LIZS · 01/08/2021 08:53

If she has no gcses I'm surprised she is not being encouraged to at least continue with Maths and English at college, which would be free.

Whingey · 01/08/2021 09:14

She will have been encouraged by social to waste money. All the pampered little dears refusing to buy cheaper new clothes off market stalls because they are too lazy to ask for a receipt. £600 per week for each child and foster carers still try and get more expenses

MutteringDarkly · 01/08/2021 09:16

I'm wondering about support for you and your family to navigate this, as it's neither simple nor easy? The two sisters have maybe got different trauma, or different effects from trauma, and so one is finding it harder than the other to make the transition to independent living. I'm sure you know that problems processing information, planning ahead, and regulating impulses can all be common when children have experienced trauma (which most care users have). This is going to make for a problematic situation when trying to manage money and pay bills. I think she needs a support worker tbh, but I'm not sure if that has been tried already?

I wonder if a trauma-informed therapist would be able to help her, but I appreciate she would have to decide for herself whether to engage. I guess I'm just thinking about support for all of you to increase her support network, ease the sole dependence on you, and for her to feel she can trust you enough that you will still be there for her even if she does cope successfully. A bit of me wonders whether the drama is a subconscious way of testing that you will still take care of her? Would it help you to think of it as "this is X showing me she is scared to be in the world on her own" rather than "this is X treating me like a cashpoint"? I am not saying you have to give her money, that's not sustainable for either of you.

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