Surviving a holiday with MIL (lighthearted)

[NoEffingWaytoSurvive]

Just come back from a week with my MIL. Before I get bashed over the head with the ungrateful mallet. She is lovely, kind and loves DP and myself, and the feelings are reciprocated.

However, she has lived on her own for some years, and has seemingly developed certain ways of doing things.

She eats like a sparrow, seriously. Nothing all day until 8pm when she eats a small snack. I had to resort to driving to the petrol station and sneaking in snacks! She lives in the middle of nowhere which meant no shops in a five-mile radius. I had to go and buy breakfast items, and tinkly laughed as I put them in the kitchen.
She has never driven, but spent the whole week sighing as I drove 'the wrong way' to everywhere. I have never lived there, and used the sat nav to get about. She also didn't know the way, but was convinced I was driving aimlessly!
She smokes indoors, the house reeks but she told me that roll ups don't smell . I don't smoke and spent the week quietly spraying air freshener in our room to try and keep the room fresh. I was forbidden from opening the windows as 'it let's the flies in'.
She lives 300 miles away so this is a yearly event. By the summer of 2022 I shall have forgotten the trauma and will be driving for four hours to do it all again .

Anyone else's MIL drive them slightly batty? My patience has been tested a bit but she's awesome in a unique way.

I feel your pain, but it’s my mum! She eats tiny amounts, but makes a meal and leaves it next to the (very hot) Aga all day and then overnight then tries to serve it up at every meal time. 🤮

Then she goes to bed super early, like 7pm, so wakes up at 3am and goes downstairs for a cigarette. The house stinks, she doesn’t like leaving the back door open so sits in the kitchen and smokes in an enclosed area, but opens the door to the hallway so the smoke rises to my bedroom. Circumstances mean I haven’t been to see her since Christmas.

I find it hard to drive 5 hours to get to her house, my bad leg seizes up and I have to stop and walk round for 15 minutes every hour, so the journey is bonkers long. If I don’t take the car, we’re stuck at hers-I need to investigate hiring a car next time, but I don’t want to stay at hers despite the multiple spare rooms. Ugh.

Do you mean you were staying at your MIL's house, or you were away somewhere else on a holiday with her?

What does your DH think? I'd take my own snack and meals if staying at hers and she doesn't eat anything till 8pm!

Also, if the smoking is an issue, I'd stay in a hotel.

Were you staying at your mother in law’s house without your husband??

Oh dear, I feel for you, but my situation it's a bit different. I have been on holiday with MIL in the pass and it was fine, until she stayed over for 2 month in my house( which used to be hers), 1 month before I had my first child( now almost 5) and 1 month after he was born to help out( I have no family in UK), as hub didn't want me to stay on my on. It was the worst mistake I ever made, my relationship with her completely change( my side of curse). Her jokes, bad manners and the way that she used to change my house around for her on likes drove me crazy!!! No even to mention that she didn't help much in the end, us she doesn't cook or clean, and was always " as longes baby was at sleep she would look after him lol". Sense then she gets on my nervous. I am expecting my sem o now, and already told hub that there is NO WAY what we are doing this again, I would have my FIL any day to help me out, but NOT HER!

Sorry if my op wasn't clear-we were staying at MILs house (at her request). Last year we stayed elsewhere but she was upset we weren't there 24/7.

Last year we stayed elsewhere but she was upset we weren't there 24/7.

For fuck's sake, op, make some boundaries. Staying in a smoker's home should be a total deal breaker. The answer is FUCK NO, and if she gets upset about it, that's her problem. Grow a backbone.

@Aquamarine1029 erm, thanks

[quote NoEffingWaytoSurvive]@Aquamarine1029 erm, thanks [/quote]
Good response, OP

You don't have to go ... it is your DH's mother, why doesn't he go alone? My DPs used to live a long way from us and I realised it wasn't fair to drag my DH with me every time I visited. Encourage your DH to go alone ... or stand firm about staying somewhere separate. I have an adult DS, I would never expect (or want!) him and future wife/partner to feel obliged to come and stay with me.

It's incredible to think that anyone smokes in their own house now isn't it? Like something from decades ago ... just incredibly old fashioned.

How can she not realise that her family needs to eat even if she doesn't?

The smoking would be a deal breaker for both of us, so I would find a hotel or holiday let nearby. As for food. I wouldn't be sneaky about it. I would just bring my own food or go out for a meal.

What does your husband say?

TBH I don't understand people who like to martyr themselves to other people's very unreasonable behaviour. I am not rude, just politely assertive.

DH can make the annual trip alone and then perhaps the three of you can have a short break together somewhere neutral.

My MIL is lovely but sooo different to me. She kept (she's in a care home now) her house at 25 degrees and would only have one small lamp on in the evening. She was also very tidy and always wanting to be helpful. She'd come and stay when our children were babies and do things like scrape the food waste into the normal bin and wash and clean it so everything was neat. She once poured my freshly pumped bottle of breast milk down the drain (my twins were initially bottle fed but then had a dairy allergy which took a year to get diagnosed, I was trying to build up enough to feed them exclusively and they'd cry in pain when they had formula. I've never cried so hard over spilled milk). On one occasion, I was sorting through the huge piles of second hand clothes we'd been given. During the small windows they were asleep I'd run through it by size, piling them up round the living room. Then one of them would wake up, I'd end up taking them out for a walk and I'd come home to find incredibly neat piles of clothes somehow with all the sizes mixed together again. This went on for two weeks.

It’s fine for her to eat once a day but it’s odd that she doesn’t realise that’s not what most others do. I suppose the smoking suppresses her appetite. The smoking would be difficult to be around. I think I’d be on days out as often as possible with a nice lunch thrown in!

You’ve more patience than me! Sounds awful.

She honestly doesn’t eat a thing until 8pm and didn’t have any food in the house for you and her son?

If she lives in the middle of nowhere, can't drive and without shops in the vicinity, how does she usually manage? I think you should use your energy to try to persuade her to move somewhere more practical.

Just thought, does she not eat because it's too much hassle to get food in?

My mil is similar- although even though she doesn’t eat herself she does push food on everyone else at the rate of one biscuit to 3 slices of toast every 40 seconds 😅😂

We stay in a hotel/air bnb. She doesn’t much like it but it’s how it is.

My MIL also refuses to eat anything. We have taken her out to dinner before and she has refused to eat. So we won't do that anymore.
If we go to her place She feeds us off out of date food because she likes the clearance section at the supermarket. My dh avoids any meals there as they are usually awful and suspicious but she puts so much effort into it. The out of date stuff is reserved for our family and she buys dh sister luxury goods and cuts of meat. Dh now declines invites to eat there.

She has cat litter trays all over the dining room so you can't sit down anywhere. We are expected to balance around them which is really off putting and unhygienic.

My children went to stay and she forbid them from leaving their rooms until she was awake and up and then they watched TV all day to avoid touching anything. They came back quite stressed and haven't returned for a sleep over. They have been invited so I think it was just all too much. She also refuses to see them in school holidays but only wants to come here and be waited on by me. I have a lot of responsibilities at the moment so it's just not convenient.

She saves me her recycling rubbish so the kids can do crafts with them. Plastic pots, boxes, you name it, I get delivered thousands of items of rubbish. In the bin.

She is eccentric but she masks it by pretending to be kindly. I always thought it was just me being irritable about her and then over time I realised actually she just has a specific world view and at times it is incompatible with ours. She also only wants to do things her way. For example, she wanted to visit so she could dig up my garden plants and give them to her dd. What on earth? She probably thought to herself that my garden is part of the family garden collection and it's fair to share around plants.

I would never stay in a smokers house. You don't have to put yourself through that. You could stay somewhere local instead.

Oh I hear ya! My MIL doesn't like to eat but also throws in judgement and scorn for anyone who dares to express they might be hungry. Especially if they are a woman or a child. Men are allowed to eat what they want (of course).

To answer some questions-

The house is stuffed to the rafters with food courtesy of Sainsbury's deliveries.

There are no hotels nearby, the nearest airbnb is over 10 miles away.

The local pub closed 5 years ago.

Eating out usually involved her watching us eat .

She would never move. She has all of her facilities apart from a sense of smell.

She smokes about 30+ roll ups a day, it's a full time occupation and probably dulls any appetite.

I didn't feel I could bring meals with me, but did stash some cereal bars and chocolate in my suitcase. I hid the wrappers! She weighs about 7 stone dripping wet, and doesn't understand why people eat lunch or breakfast.

At least this year I came prepared with snacks. Last year I was just hungry!

I am the only driver, it would take DP approximately 7 hours on a train, and still would require a taxi at the end-think planes, trains and automobiles level of difficulty.

So, why don't you eat the food in the house? Or do a supermarket shop en route? Is your husband this passive as well?

I just wouldn't put up with it. Have you looked at Airbnb? They have listings in all sorts of places.

Next year, try a renting a holiday cottage or even a hotel

You're on 'holiday', but you're on neutral ground.