Help me. I’m starting to resent my 5 year old

[CastMeAdrift]

She such hard work. She’s so angry and flys off the handle all the time sometimes getting violent. She goes mad if things aren’t how she wants them to be. She’s horrible to her little brother which I know stems from frustration that he won’t play exactly as she wants or interrupts her games or even doesn’t understand what she’s saying. Causing her to be so angry. She’s also so loud and boisterous so others find it hard to cope with her.

I’m constantly researching ways to help her with her emotions and validate them while explaining she can’t hit etc. But it’s all consuming and exhausting. All this while trying to parent her brother who is similar and run a house and work. It’s too much. I’m starting to resent how fucking hard she is and that’s not right as it’s not her fault.

Help me. What do I do? I feel like I’m falling apart and things are getting worse by the day.

That sounds horrible. Does her school say she's problematic there, or is she ok there? If she's ok there she's playing up for you and you need to find out what will work to help her behave better. Is she jealous of her younger sibling and seeking attention? How old is her sibling?

School have said she can be emotional, especially when things don’t work out as she expected. She also forgets (refuses) to follow the golden rules sometimes. But they haven’t flagged an issue and her school report was positive.

I feel most of it stems from being angry when she’s not in control. Which as a five year old means your not in control of things most of the time.

Have you read the explosive child? Thats v good. I found it quite helpful in adjusting my mindset.

Where's dad in all of this?

Are there ways that she can be allowed to have some control? Can you give her choices to help her?

If your son is the same have you considered that it may be something like ASD rather than behavioural?

I have considered that perhaps she is not neuro typical. But not really sure what to do about that. Besides, she is a lovely girl a lot of the time. Especially out of the house with other people. She seems to be able to play with other children and is starting to compromise and cooperate with her peers. So she seems to be doing ok. It’s just at home she lets loose.

I try to give her as much control as I can. But often it’s just because something hasn’t gone as she wanted it to. She raged at me (including hitting) for 30 minutes this morning because the dog disturbed her game on the floor. She wouldn’t let us work to a solution like shut the dog out of the room, she just flipped. Then proceed to list all the ways it was my fault and how she was going to send me away/to jail etc etc

She calms down eventually and we always have a chat and a cuddle after. But it seems to be getting more frequent and is so, so draining on top of everything else that I’m finding myself dreading the day and resenting her for that. Maybe it’s just school holiday effect?!

Her Dad works away a lot so I don’t know if that back and forth contributes.

Are you giving her time out? taking her into another room to tell her when behaviour is unacceptable? do you set the rules? is there consequences for unacceptable behaviour.
Regardless of the detail having two small children is HARD work. It does get easier. So hard if you have to do most of it on your own.

I tried time outs in the past and they just escalated the situation and heightened her anger. We always talk after about unacceptable behaviour and she has consequences. She’s always removed from situation if she’s getting violent.

Would a gp would be the person to talk to? Though with the state of things now nothing is ever going to happen anyway. Just not sure where else to turn for support.

My DD2 was like this at her age, and can still struggle with things going wrong now. I've found what really works, is instead of trying to find solutions, just sympathise 'Oh no, I know how annoying that must be that the dog messed up your game. I'm sorry'
I found my daughter was just expressing anxiety that she didn't understand so was blaming it on little things throughout the day as an excuse to vent her frustration. She didn't want me to fix any of the things that went wrong, she just wanted to be heard and sympathised with. That approach helps the situation for us 9 times out of 10. Hang in there. It gets better.

It really sounds difficult. If her behaviour is acceptable outside the home and in school and she can also form positive relationships with others including playing with other children then it sounds as if something isn’t working for her at home or with your parenting. Tbh you sound very lenient. Why was she allowed to hit you hit 30 mins!

She didn’t hit me for 30 minutes. She kept coming back and forth to tell me how it was all my fault for half an hour and swiped me a couple of times. The hitting side of things has slowly got better over time and it happens less often and less forcefully. I can also see her often stop herself lashing out which is a positive.

But I’m just not sure how to parent her to be honest. I’ve tried a super strict and the more softly approach.

Super strict definitely makes her worse. She seems to push back and rage against perceived injustice. I do sympathise and try not to fix which has helped a bit. I also validate her feelings which has helped to.

I think my problem is that I don’t have the time or energy to parent the way she needs. Sympathising and validating and de-escalating is exhausting. If she was an only child and I was a sahm maybe things would be easier? None of these things are her fault of course, so it’s up to me to figure out what works for her that I can also manage. But it’s breaking me a bit at the moment.

If she can behave appropriately outside the home, then it would suggest its not an impulse issue or something she has no control over.
It maybe that she knows she can continue like this without consequences, it could sound a little spoilt, if she is behaving like this when she doesn't get her own way or things dont go her way.

Or it maybe that she hasnt been given the tools or isn't equipped to deal with her emotions in a better way.
Is she being listened to before she explodes?
It must be exhausting for her to be behaving like this and not a very happy time while she is doing it, bless her.

Kids need to be taught a bit of resilience, not everything will go their way, they won't always get what they want and they wont always win at stuff, the quicker they learn thats ok and we move on from it, the better.

Another vote for The Explosive Child.
It really helps you understand what is going on for them and for them to learn how to express themselves more appropriately.