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I think my new line manager doesn't like me

15 replies

namechangejuly · 25/07/2021 00:38

My previous line manager left and a colleague from another department has been promoted to the position.

My new manager and I worked together for around a month at the start of the year. I'm 25 and he is around 30. I was new so was quite quiet/reserved whilst I settled in. There were a few instances when I first started that made me think that he didn't like me. However, I also wondered if perhaps it was because I was quiet that he couldn't warm to me. He can be quite quiet himself most of the time but he can chat happily away to colleagues. I didn't really care before but now he is my line manager we will be working in a small team of 3-4 people all day everyday I'm feeling a little nervous and apprehensive about it.

A few examples are:

  • A colleague and I both went to an event together. He knew we both went. When he next saw us my colleague and I were stood together and he came over and he addressed my colleague by name and specifically asked him how it was despite me being stood there too. It was like he deliberately ignored me. He has done this a couple of times in different contexts.
  • A colleague and I were helping him with something that involved passing him paperwork. Every time my colleague passed him it he would say thank you, with me he wouldn't say thank you.
  • If we are alone in the office he just won't talk and seems really sulky. He won't tell me where he is going and then colleagues come looking for him needing him ASAP and I have no idea where he is. He went home early ill last week and didn't tell me. In our workplace it's important we know where everyone is at all times during the workday.
  • If he ever does refer to me by name he won't look at me. It feels like he is mentioning me begrudgingly.

I think it's just a personality clash but I'm feeling really uncomfortable at work at the moment. I know the examples I've given are small things but there is a really obvious and apparent difference in how he treats me and the other 2 colleagues in my team.

OP posts:
Pixissmoke · 25/07/2021 00:56

Could it be that he fancies you? He could also be a dick that looks down on younger female colleagues.
If I was in your shoes I would probably make an extra effort to engage him. Ask him questions and engage him in conversation. If it still seems like he doesn't like you then I would outright ask him if he has a problem with you as he seems to be treating you differently from your colleagues. Write down any examples so that you have them to hand if he denies it. If things are still bad after that then I would escalate it to HR/his manager You have a right to be treated fairly and it sounds like he's creating a poor working environment for you, that kind of behaviour could be a form of bullying.

PinniGig · 25/07/2021 00:59

He sounds almost textbook in his efforts to rattle you and make you feel intimidated / pick up and notice how he deliberately ignores you and only addresses the second person you're with.

Pretend you haven't even noticed it and carry on going about your business like you barely notice he's there. Don't let him pick up on you picking up on it or feeling worried.

Carry on and scratch your arse regardless.

WorraLiberty · 25/07/2021 01:01

Yes, from what you've said it does sound like he can't warm to you or possibly doesn't like you.

That's ok, we can't warm to everyone or like everyone (live isn't like that) but he shouldn't let it affect your working relationship and how either of you do your jobs.

NigelWithTheBrie79 · 25/07/2021 01:30

As other PP's have advised keep making notes (times, dates, situations, what you said and did and who else was there).
Be friendly and cordial.
Join in even if he continues to side line you. Act like he addressed you anyway. If your colleagues are brought into it they can confirm you contribute and don't sit there in silence.
I've had this very situation happen to me.

Polkadots2021 · 25/07/2021 08:10

@namechangejuly

My previous line manager left and a colleague from another department has been promoted to the position.

My new manager and I worked together for around a month at the start of the year. I'm 25 and he is around 30. I was new so was quite quiet/reserved whilst I settled in. There were a few instances when I first started that made me think that he didn't like me. However, I also wondered if perhaps it was because I was quiet that he couldn't warm to me. He can be quite quiet himself most of the time but he can chat happily away to colleagues. I didn't really care before but now he is my line manager we will be working in a small team of 3-4 people all day everyday I'm feeling a little nervous and apprehensive about it.

A few examples are:

  • A colleague and I both went to an event together. He knew we both went. When he next saw us my colleague and I were stood together and he came over and he addressed my colleague by name and specifically asked him how it was despite me being stood there too. It was like he deliberately ignored me. He has done this a couple of times in different contexts.
  • A colleague and I were helping him with something that involved passing him paperwork. Every time my colleague passed him it he would say thank you, with me he wouldn't say thank you.
  • If we are alone in the office he just won't talk and seems really sulky. He won't tell me where he is going and then colleagues come looking for him needing him ASAP and I have no idea where he is. He went home early ill last week and didn't tell me. In our workplace it's important we know where everyone is at all times during the workday.
  • If he ever does refer to me by name he won't look at me. It feels like he is mentioning me begrudgingly.

I think it's just a personality clash but I'm feeling really uncomfortable at work at the moment. I know the examples I've given are small things but there is a really obvious and apparent difference in how he treats me and the other 2 colleagues in my team.

It's not a personality clash - he is meant to be your manager and appears to have no management skills. i'd log it with HR, not as a formal complaint but just so it's noted, also ask them for advice. If it continues you need to bring it up with him, and if that doesn't work, with HR. Its his job to be capable of communicating with you effectively and hes failing at his job. You might also get a couple of colleagues to advocate for you? I'd they ask him why they say thanks to them but not to you, etc.
ChunkySloth · 25/07/2021 09:26

I think it sounds like he perceived you to be rude/snobby/aloof etc in that first month.

NotYourNachos · 25/07/2021 09:43

So when he spoke to your colleague about the event you both went to, did you join in the conversation?

It might be a clash but if you are also staying quiet and not speaking to him your both doing the same thing

I would make a point of engaging with him and seeing if this improves how you work.

You could go to HR but I’d try and make an effort first as you might be able to change the situation

Btw I’m not saying I think you’ve caused an issue and he could just be a massive wanted but this is just what I would try first from what you’ve said

NotYourNachos · 25/07/2021 09:43

Wanker not wanted Grin

girlmom21 · 25/07/2021 09:45

Maybe he thinks you don't like him either if neither of you are engaging in conversation.

DanielTigersMummy21 · 25/07/2021 09:48

When be leaves the office and colleagues come looking for him, don't cover. Tell them he left without telling me where he's going.

NeonJellyBaby · 25/07/2021 09:52

Have you tried actually talking to him? No way would I allow some rude fucker ignore me like this.

namechangejuly · 25/07/2021 13:04

I will try and engage him in more conversation. I will be honest, I find it difficult to talk to him as he mumbles and with face masks I find it hard to understand what he's saying. I also find it hard to start conversations with people when they are cold and aloof to me and appear to not like me. I have worked a lot on my shyness but that kind of dynamic is something I still struggle with. I will try though.

I talk a lot with my other colleagues so I'm thinking maybe he sees me being talkative with other colleagues but quiet with him so he gets offended and takes it personally. I will make more effort.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/07/2021 13:08

If you do speak to HR in the end, don't say "He seems to treat me differently" - say "He treats me differently."

moovinon · 25/07/2021 13:17

It does sound like he doesn't like you.
He is treating you horribly.

Personally, I would ask him if you can have a word and I would tell him how you are feeling. He can then decide to change the way he is with you and he will also be aware that you've noticed it and could potentially take it further.

PinniGig · 25/07/2021 20:14

I'd catch him on the hop with very light, cheerful and friendly conversation especially the odd time you're alone with him in the office and want to cut right through that uncomfortable awkwardness. I'd chirp up with a bright and breezy “How are you finding and settling in the new job so far? Not easy being the new person no matter what and I'm sure you don't need it but if there's anything I can help you with or you're not sure about give me a yell any time. OK I'm gonna make myself a brew do you want one whilst I'm there?”

It might be that he's just socially awkward and not good at breaking the ice and getting those initial chit-chat conversations started but if he is, you'll know from his reaction to you being warm and friendly.

If he's still a sour puss grumpy faced sulking sort you know it's his issue – not yours. You've made the effort and gave him a warm welcome letting him know if he needs anything he can ask you no bother.

The more I feel someone is making an effort not to talk to me or has decided already they don't and won't ever like me, the brighter, breezier and harder I make it for them to sustain it. I once took over as the new manger in a care unit that until then had been run entirely by and for the convenience of staff and they had all decided before even laying eyes on me that I was the devil, they would never like or respect me as the new boss and no matter what anyone says they did not consider themselves answerable to me.

I knew they were all at it and quietly carried on like I had no idea and had shit for brains. Tickled me the way one girl got visibly angry at letting her guard down and losing focus when she engaged and had the odd moment of an actual friendly back and forth conversation.

The OP did remind me of a bloke that was very similar going out of his way never to be standing directly alongside or near to me when in the room. If I was sitting down he had to stand up almost looming over me with his manliness. If I was standing up when he was sitting, he got up but moved to the other side and crouched or leaned oddly against the wall or furniture.

Clocked what it was all about eventually. I'm tall and at just over 5'11 was very slightly taller than he and he didn't want it to be made obvious by allowing us to stand tall side by side. Some men just have an inherent belief and genuinely think women are pathetic creatures and incapable of anything. Others know different but find it threatening so try to assert themselves and feel more confident by bringing out their manliness and showing us how it's done. Sad really.

I had one of my dogs with me one day when he rocked up and remember her wiggling and wagging her tail excitedly and I went “Come here daft sod sit yourself down” and she carried on with super excited wagging cos she loves meeting new people.

He gave a low loud manly “Sit down” and she sat down still wagging her tail on the floor. Really properly pleased with himself and did a shoulder shrug kind of thing See? That's why men make better dog trainers and handlers they know how to command respect. You women are too soft I mean not even yours take a blind bit of notice but it knows different when I say summat!

Me “Yeah? Maybe I dunno... Dog. Watch him” Dog pinned and fixed her eyes on him cos she's done protection training and knows “Watch him / them” means do not take your eyes off that person and if they move back them up again don't let them shift from outside this space unless and until I say.

He shit his pants. “Get out g'on giddout of it ya bad bugger!!!”

Me “OK that'll do sweet. Come here good girl” and she went right back to wagging and arse wiggling cos she was now able to meet and make a new friend.

He was so up his own arse that he really thought her sitting down when he bellowed "sit down" was because she respected him more and he was therefore best placed to tell me the ways of the force and teach me all I need to know.

Can't imagine show exhausting life must be for someone like that. How do they get through a day??

No matter which side your new manager falls you'll at least know any further issues or problems that crop up aren't on account of anything you did wrong.

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