Separating but work at weekend...Childcare!

pastabest · 24/07/2021 19:40

@Iflmkids

Hi. First time post. I've separated from DH and starting to negotiate childcare. I gave up well paid job to be SAHM for few years. Last year I started PT work inc few hrs on Sunday AM. I will need to increase that over time so can become financially independent again. Because DH will need to look after our 2 boys [most] Sunday AMs he says he's doing me a favour and consequently I should pick up boys from school every day (2 eves pw they'll go to his to stay). I can do this but rather hoped to have a day I could work through. AIBU?

What age children?

PotteringAlong · 24/07/2021 19:41

Well yes, in a way you are.

You need to sort your access arrangements out: when are you having the boys, when is he?

Then, when they’re with you it’s up to you to sort out your childcare. When they’re with him, it’s his job.

If he and you are happy with every Sunday as his time then crack on. If you would rather a different split (50/50 or EOW) then that’s another conversation.

ChristmasShearwater · 24/07/2021 19:44

Can't you tell him no. They're his sons, he's not doing you a favour by having them for part of the weekend and to bloody well pick them up when he needs to.

pastabest · 24/07/2021 19:45

Sorry posted too soon.

Nah, that's completely unfair on you. Call his bluff and say you have childcare sorted for Sunday AM so he's back to doing school pick up the 2 days he has them.

He gets to reduce the amount of maintenance he pays based on the number of nights they stay at his. If he's not doing the running around on those days doing pick ups/ feeding meals etc then it's not at all fair.

Presumably he will also want them at weekends sometimes?

ChristmasShearwater · 24/07/2021 19:53

PotteringAlong - her ex is manipulating her. He's been told he needs to look after his sons on Sunday AM so OP can kick-start her working life. He's being awkward.

PotteringAlong · 24/07/2021 20:22

But it’s not up to him to facilitate kick starting her working life - if they were married then yes. But they’re not. So it’s not.

Imagine it was reversed and the man said “I’m working, so you need to facilitate childcare”. Do you really think the mumsnet world would be telling the mum she had to suck it up for the sake of his career?

Original poster

Iflmkids · 24/07/2021 20:23

I'm in NZ so financials bit different and currently isn't an issue. I don't think it's in best interest of kids to stick them with a stranger esp when theyre just having to get used to our separation and we don't have any family to help. We couldn't afford it anyway.
He will have them Monday eve/ night after football and Wed for dinner onwards. They'll walk to school from his (its 5 mins down the road).

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 24/07/2021 20:24

But you’re still saying “we”. There is no “we”. There’s you, and there’s him. And that’s what you need to get your head around.

Viviennemary · 24/07/2021 20:25

I think you'll have to do a bit of give and take. It won't be easy to get childcare at the weekends and even if you did it would be more expensive.

Original poster

Iflmkids · 24/07/2021 20:28

@PotteringAlong

But it’s not up to him to facilitate kick starting her working life - if they were married then yes. But they’re not. So it’s not.

Imagine it was reversed and the man said “I’m working, so you need to facilitate childcare”. Do you really think the mumsnet world would be telling the mum she had to suck it up for the sake of his career?

I've just facilitated his career for several years. I'm now starting again at 50

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 24/07/2021 21:02

Can you negotiate with work that you work alternate weekends and he can have them alternate weekends. I don't think it wiĺl get you anywhere saying what you have done in the past. It's the here and now that matters. You need an arrangement that suits you both more or less. And that means give and take.

PotteringAlong · 24/07/2021 21:31

I've just facilitated his career for several years. I'm now starting again at 50

But you were together. A partnership. And now you’re not. You cannot apply the same goalposts to the game.

RandomMess · 24/07/2021 21:36

You need to agree his time in 24 hour blocks so Monday, Wednesday, Sunday from 9am to 9am the following day.

Let me guess he expects you to look after the DC in the school holidays on his days??

zoeydollie · 24/07/2021 21:36

So how about he has them Sunday morning - drops them at school Tuesday.
You pick them up tues and drop off Wednesday morning.
He picks up from school Wednesday and drops off Thursday.
Then you have them Thursday after school til Sunday morning.

Ifixfastjets · 24/07/2021 22:18

This works for my friend...
Parent A has them from saturday night until Wednesday morning school run.
Parent B collects them from school Wednesday and them until sat night.
This gives them both 1/2 a week to work long days, as they dont need childcare.
And they both get quality weekend time with their kids.
Their work pattern is the same every week, so bosses are happy.
Kids have "home clothes" and "school clothes" at both houses.
I think they agreed this at the start of their separation.
Both sides legal people said it looked good for all 3 parties. Him, her and most importantly, the kids !

ChristmasShearwater · 25/07/2021 01:45

But it’s not up to him to facilitate kick starting her working life - if they were married then yes. But they’re not. So it’s not

She's the mother of his children so unless he's a complete waste of space (which he may well be) it's perfectly acceptable for him to look after his children.

*Imagine it was reversed and the man said “I’m working, so you need to facilitate childcare”.

It's called doing your part in raising our children.

God you set the bar low for reasonable behaviour.

PotteringAlong · 25/07/2021 07:57

Raise children: yes.

Dictate when access can be based on your working arrangements? Not so much.

It needs to work for everyone. Most importantly the kids. And if it does then great. But, as I’ve said, if it were a father saying “I have to work these shifts so your access is then and only then and you have to work around it” I’m not sure the answers would be the same.

timeisnotaline · 25/07/2021 08:05

So Monday and Wednesday he wants you to take the children and drop them at his at 6? Then he drops them back at 9 or do they stay the night?
I’d send a couple of written messages/emails along the lines of so to be clear you aren’t happy about feeling like you have to see your children every weekend? What would you suggest as a fair arrangement? Every other weekend from Friday pick up to drop off on Monday, plus one night each week?
To see what he would say..: how old are the dc? Any back up options for Sunday am?

Original poster

Iflmkids · 26/07/2021 10:56

Thank you everyone for your opinions and suggestions. I really appreciate your contributions as it's really great to hear different views.
I'm working on a collaborative approach to separation so yes give and take is an important part of that (thanks for reminder viviennemary). Taking the 'that was then and this is now' is not an approach Courts take (from what I've researched) else I guess SAHM would be completely screwed and working as a partnership can only be good for the children. In fact on reflection I'm more willing now to compromise than I've been for years

OP posts:

Separating but work at weekend...Childcare!

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